A whole new world, for now

Buffythedebtslayer

Just sending love XXX so much to deal with. XXXX 

in_need_of_direction

Thank you all for your support. I’m just finding life a bit overwhelming and a bit directionless. I also see people on here who deal with so much more every day and am ashamed that I’m having such a pity party.  

Last week I hit what I hope was rock bottom and spoke to my gp. Obviously this was by phone but in a way that helped as I didn’t even try to put a brave face on things.  When she heard recent events, she recommended bereavement counselling. For once, I didn’t just go along with this but explained that this predated the bereavements considerably. I’m now on what’s probably a long waiting list and have been prescribed anti depressants. In the past, the need to take the meds has made me feel even more inadequate but I think that this time I’ve admitted to myself that I just can’t keep going. When I was dealing with the nightmare client every day, the choice was somewhat taken out of my hands. I just did. Now I don’t seem able to do anything that isn’t a set in stone commitment. 

We also had a bit of an issue last week when our bathroom leaked into the electrics in the kitchen. Finally got hold of an emergency plumber, courtesy of a client, who discovered that the damage was done at installation last August and, of course, that highly paid person doesn’t respond to calls. The plumber we got was great and is coming back to do some other bits and pieces.

we have also sourced someone to tackle the buddleia and other plants growing in our chimneys. This requires a cherry picker which is parked part way into the garage to get the best reach.  Of course, snow halted work! We have no idea of the cost but it’s not an optional extra and we have the emergency fund.

workwise, I submitted a tender and another job cancelled. I went on site to a client last week and it went ok.  I had agonies before hand wondering if I was still capable of the job. The nightmare client still hasn’t paid and still hasn’t responded to my complaints or my solicitor. I’m hoping the meds kick in quickly enough to allow me to fight. I just don’t have the stomach for it at present. 

Health wise, the back continues to be a problem and I’ve been referred back for physio while taking different anti inflammatories. 

My gp suggested 30 mins exercise 5 times a week to help with depression.  In theory I agree but I’m struggling to even walk round a small supermarket. Swimming should be an option but it’s so cold and I’m a wimp.

moneywise, I have been given an interim payment from what was left by my mum. This means that the mortgage will be cleared without withdrawals from the mortgage neutral fund currently sitting at just over £4K.  We have decided to leave that alone as I only have one penalty free withdrawal a year and currently have no other plans for that money. 

I have two invoices to issue and then it looks like I will have enough to make my target payment to my pension before the end of the tax year.  That will leave the business account fairly depleted but it is what it is. If I need to, I can borrow from the emergency fund. I think it’s best to get the tax benefits of paying into my pension.

so, it’s actually looking that by my 55th birthday, I will be debt and mortgage free for the first time since I was 19. I have a pension, I have premium bonds and just over £4K in savings. I am an adult. I kinda thought that I’d be happier and I know just how ungrateful that sounds. 

Today, with dh’s help, I am tackling two jobs that have been more than 2 weeks on the list. I just can’t get started by myself. I am going to burn nice candles or incense while I do this. This is the start of the love it or list it campaign.  I have been in team list it for quite a while but having searched in a 20 mile radius within a £150k price range and not been able to see what we want in 48 pages of listings, I’m minded to get the house the way we want and then make a decision.

on other news for today, I had my weekly mr wii conversation and there’s a slight downward creep of my weight. Not enough to get my into a new pound but there’s still the possibility of a new stone by my birthday. 

Right, if I don’t go, I’ll still be indulging in screen time at dinner time.

today I am grateful for
a tiny weight loss
reasonable financial stability 
those who read, thank and comment. It is truly appreciated 

teapot2

Hugs, sorry you are struggling at the moment.  There are some real positives and achievements in that post, hope you will be able to see them in time.  X

milann

I’m so pleased you’ve spoken to the gp. You’ve been battling on for a long time but your recent losses have brought it to a head. You’re not in a pity party at all but the normal grieving process…I’m a great believer in tackling things or they come and bite you in the behind at a later date after being in storage…..voice of experience 😉 Don’t tackle too much too soon….give your body time, rest and space. Love it or leave it sounds like an exciting prospect though…..just pace yourself 👍
Love your positive notes are still there 👍👍

jwil

I'm glad you've spoken to your GP.  Don't trivialise your problems though.  There will always be someone in a worse situation than you, but it doesn't make your problems any less real.  You've had some really challenging situations to deal with recently, so be kind to yourself, you are not a wimp, and venting away is not having a pity party, but something I find quite cathartic to do.

Take things slowly, and don't beat yourself up if you have a duvet day.  Hopefully the meds will kick in soon.

You've made loads of progress with everything, and being debt and mortgage free by 55 is a massive achievement, and even if you don't feel like celebrating, you will have set yourself up nicely for the future.  Hopefully project 'love it' will help you enjoy your house too.

Cherryfudge

Some wise words above, you have been pulling a heavy load for years and now you're owed time to heal, unwind and regroup. 

beanielou

I take AD's.  JUst what I need to do!
Good news on debt & motgage free.
Take care of you xx

in_need_of_direction

So I’ve pretty much just treaded water for the last week. On a plus, money transferred to me so we have cleared the mortgage. We still need to get it officially closed which will probably take another £250 but it’s essentially gone. I thought it’d feel better or even make me relieved but it hasn’t. Maybe when the pills start doing their work, it’ll hit home.

the other big positive is that my weekly conversation with mr wii showed a 2lb weight loss. I’m not entirely sure how but it means I am sitting at 12 st 8 days before my birthday. Fingers crossed that I can get into the 11 by then.  

Slightly smaller positives are finding a pair of jeans which are an improvement on what I was clinging onto.  It only took me to try on 6 different styles and even so, these are a compromise. 

I really need to settle to getting some work cleared but the client from hell is just constantly dragging me down while still not paying me. I also had a funeral to attend mid week that left me feeling antsy.

I spoke to dh yesterday about my need for something to aim for. I’m still not sure that he gets it but without a target, I just drift. 

With regard to the house, the cherry picker remains in situ but no further work has been done.  The weather hasn’t been conducive to roof work. We completed one task last week so that small area of the house is now set for just routine cleaning.  I dropped two bag loads to the charity shop and have another bag to go later today - I’ve actually found somewhere that opens on a Sunday. Small inroads have been made to a room of doom.

right, I suppose I need to get the day properly underway.

I am grateful for
clearing the mortgage 
new jeans
having money available for car insurance and rates bill when it hits
lovely msers 

Cherryfudge

Perhaps the mortgage pay-off will hit when it's officially closed? Perhaps it won't - maybe you aren't in the right mental space - but even if it doesn't, it's nice to have the money that would have been paid into it! Perhaps an option might be to put that money into  separate account for a while and watch it mount up?

I'm realising that it took years to get to the point where I am (off work and having counselling) and it won't get better overnight. Broken bones take weeks or months, and they are simpler than pressure and stress. The advice given to me (may not be right for you) is to (find and) focus on things that build me up. Not even to work on therapy, but to 'find myself' because I do tend to be someone who defines herself in terms of others without working out what I really want. Working on therapy will come after I've got some positives up and running (literally: I got the GP to check I'm fine to run again).

It seems you are doing a number of very positive things so don't overload yourself with a feeling you should be partying as well. This isn't the time for that. Go gentle on yourself.

teapot2

Good news re the mortgage and weight loss.  Maybe having the nightmare client still looming large overarches everything just now?  Also I've found that sometimes things I expected to feel excited or relieved about when they were over just felt like a bit of an anti-climax in the event.  A funeral can also definitely put things into perspective.

Hope you can find some joy or enjoyment in the coming weeks and be gentle with yourself 🤗