Visitors when you've just had a baby

patchwork_cat

When I had my first child my mum had just had a mastectomy 3 days before and was in hospital 70 miles away, but my FIL insisted that he come and visit, when my son was 36 hours old, despite my husband trying to put him off.

I was on a very quick discharge, but hadn't slept for 3 nights by this point due to labour and a disturbed new born.

They arrived enmasse and took up all the chairs so I was forced to stand ( I nearly fainted) brought a gift for the baby, but offered no help and didn't bring us anything. It turns out in the car on the way home they complained to SIL that they hadn't even been offered a cup of tea. They had brought Champagne, so it didn't occur to us, anyway, we didn't know which way was up and they knew where the kitchen was.

We finally had a falling out that Christmas and haven't spoken for 23 years. So my advice is be firm , do what you want and follow that through with no emotional blackmail or bullying making you alter your path. Anyone who comes should bring with them a meal for you and support you and the baby. If they just want to hold a baby then tell them to get stuffed, if they are there to help, embrace them because you will need it.

seven-day-weekend

Why not get both sets of parents to visit you in hospital and see the baby there, take photos etc, then say 'NO VISITORS FOR X WEEKS please, while we are getting into a routine'. Then they can't say they have not seen the baby (and before the lodger).

(ETA: didn't realise they kicked you out after four hours these days! Ignore previous comments!).

TBagpuss

I think if you decide that you can't cope with them coming, you need to tell them that.

Alternatively, could you tell them that you would like to see them but that you won't be able to 'host' them, so will have to ask them to help with cooking etc when they are there, and limit the time to (say 48 hours) for each set of grandparents . You could say to them that you won't be offended if they prefer to sleep at a local B&B or travelodge.

And stick to whatever you ad your husband agree to do. If you've decided that you can't run around after them, then don't. You can, if need be, deal with that in the moment. After all, they can't make you or your husband run round after them. I would have that conversation with them before they come (each of you speaking to your own parents will probably work best) but also be direct when they are actually there - e.g. you can explicitly ask them to help cook a meal, or give them the bedclothes and ask them to make up their own bed, or say "please help yourself" when they hint for you to make them cups of tea etc.

lush_walrus

My parents were secretly quite worried about me when I had our first child and so couldnt wait to see me to make sure I was ok. Perhaps yours are too?

Why not say nothing commit to nothing and see how you feel once you have your baby. We stayed in for a week with our first child and without visitors it would have been quite a dull experience.

patchwork_cat

lush_walrus wrote: »

We stayed in for a week with our first child and without visitors it would have been quite a dull experience.

Seriously, dull? I can think of a lot of words to describe the first few weeks and dull is nowhere!

GwylimT

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Seriously, dull? I can think of a lot of words to describe the first few weeks and dull is nowhere!

We found poo, milk and crying fairly dull.

patchwork_cat

So you find chaos, no sleep, complete and utter awe and adoration, dull? Well we are different people that is for sure. So you didn't have doctors, midwives and health visitors calling regularly?

lush_walrus

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Seriously, dull? I can think of a lot of words to describe the first few weeks and dull is nowhere!

Yes, being in hospital for a week with a baby is dull. I was very pleased for visiting time to come around to have my husband and others to talk to.

I assume from your surprise your experience of being in hospital for a week was different to that?

lush_walrus

patchwork_cat wrote: »

So you find chaos, no sleep, complete and utter awe and adoration, dull? Well we are different people that is for sure. So you didn't have doctors, midwives and health visitors calling regularly?

Goodness, 'dull' has really sparked an interest for you.

Chaotic, no our hospital was not chaotic, it's a very professional environment.

Staff of course came and went throughout the day and night, however they were professional enough not to hang around our room for hours on end entertaining me. They seamlessly came checked what they needed to check and left without bother exactly as I would expect medical staff to behave. Sorry your experience of hospital was chaotic with less professional staff, perhaps the two are linked?

Sleep, newborns sleep for approximately 20 hours a day so no I wasn't sleep deprived in the first week. Quite the opposite.

I am in awe every time I think of any of our children, they are the most amazing thing to both of us but no I do not entertain myself for a week focusing on that alone now or then.

GwylimT

patchwork_cat wrote: »

So you find chaos, no sleep, complete and utter awe and adoration, dull? Well we are different people that is for sure. So you didn't have doctors, midwives and health visitors calling regularly?

No chaos, feeding one end and cleaning the other isn't exactly chaos. Why would doctors or midwives call at all, nevermind regularly? I'm not sure how a twenty minute visit from a HV is anything but dull!