Visitors when you've just had a baby

Pop_Up_Pirate

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Probably not what you want to hear but I say just tolerate it. They only get to see their grandchild for the first time once and its great they are so keen than showing no interest. Its a couple of days max by the sounds of it.
If the grandparents use some sense they will offer to stay in a hotel / make the visit brief of their own accord. They once had a newborn too.
Be proud of your new baby and thankful you have an excited and interested family.

I agree.
These are the Grandparents and if its their first, they will be just as excited as you are.

You're having a baby. It's something to share with family and not something to create fallings out over.

Pollycat

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Probably not what you want to hear but I say just tolerate it. They only get to see their grandchild for the first time once and its great they are so keen than showing no interest. Its a couple of days max by the sounds of it.
If the grandparents use some sense they will offer to stay in a hotel / make the visit brief of their own accord. They once had a newborn too.
Be proud of your new baby and thankful you have an excited and interested family.

I agree with this too. ^^^^
I'd say they were welcome to visit but only if they stay in a nearby hotel.

cyantist wrote: »

Our first baby is due in 2 weeks and we aren’t sure how to handle visitors in the early stages.

We had originally said we didn’t want anyone coming round for at least a week (preferably 2) to give us time to settle and both sets of parents can be frustrating at times. All my family lives 2 hours’ drive away, hubby’s live 5-6 hours' drive away or abroad.

One issue is that my parents (well my mum) think for some reason they are more important and should get to come and stay with us and see the new baby before hubby’s mum and stepdad do. With the distances they all have to travel getting both to come for a short visit on the same day would be impossible.

To slightly complicate things, we have a lodger who when my parents visited recently said to my mum “I’m going to see the baby before you do, ner ner ner ner ner” which upset my mum a lot (and did annoy me and hubby as I felt there was no need for such a comment). I’d ideally like both sets of parents to see the baby before her almost out of principle now, though as this is where she lives I appreciate this is probably not possible and is just me a being a bit childish really.

Any suggestions on how I handle this?

I think your lodger was pretty crass with that comment and I'd have let her know that she's caused unnecessary upset by it.

I think the bit in bold has the potential to cause issues in the future if you don't nip it in the bud.

Good luck with your new baby - when he/she puts in an appearance.

GlasweJen

Sounds like your lodger is the only sensible one of you!

Your mum makes a fuss about not seeing the baby first before the in laws and your lodger rightly pointed out that others will see baby first purely because of logistics i.e she lives there.

Your baby will encounter doctors, midwives, nurses, other patients, possibly breast feeding support volunteers, neighbours, etc all before your parents if they aren't coming to the hospital so your family really need to get a grip.

Oh and if someone expected OH to wait on them hand and foot when I was sitting like a burst ball having just given birth they'd be told "he's busy with me, go make your own tea you know where the kettle is".

Pollycat

GlasweJen wrote: »

Sounds like your lodger is the only sensible one of you!

Your mum makes a fuss about not seeing the baby first before the in laws and your lodger rightly pointed out that others will see baby first purely because of logistics i.e she lives there.

I guess it depends how the lodger said it.
If it was - as you infer - a case of the lodger pointing out that she lives there, may she is the sensible one.

cyantist wrote: »

To slightly complicate things, we have a lodger who when my parents visited recently said to my mum “I’m going to see the baby before you do, ner ner ner ner ner” which upset my mum a lot (and did annoy me and hubby as I felt there was no need for such a comment). I’d ideally like both sets of parents to see the baby before her almost out of principle now, though as this is where she lives I appreciate this is probably not possible and is just me a being a bit childish really.

But if it was as the OP describes - and the mention of 'out of principle' seems to back this up - then I think the lodger has created an unnecessary issue and therefore isn't the sensible one at all.

PeacefulWaters

I can't believe the desire to keep these people away.

Identify a cheap but adequate hotel nearby that includes a breakfast. Recommend it to both sets of grandparents and suggest they all come around on the same date at the same time for the same few hours.

And send hubby out to get a KFC if they need feeding.

If they don't want to stay in that hotel on those dates, tough.

justme111

But op describes exactly lighthearted joke by a lodger, why she got annoyed by it is not clear

Pollycat

justme111 wrote: »

But op describes exactly lighthearted joke by a lodger, why she got annoyed by it is not clear

I can't see where the OP referred to it as a 'light-hearted joke'.

And as we don't know any of these people, we don't know what they class as banter and what they will take offence at.

But the OP has said it's upset her Mum and that she and her partner were annoyed about it.
So maybe not so light-hearted and not so funny.

cyantist

GlasweJen wrote: »

Your mum makes a fuss about not seeing the baby first before the in laws and your lodger rightly pointed out that others will see baby first purely because of logistics i.e she lives there.

Your baby will encounter doctors, midwives, nurses, other patients, possibly breast feeding support volunteers, neighbours, etc all before your parents if they aren't coming to the hospital so your family really need to get a grip.

Oh and if someone expected OH to wait on them hand and foot when I was sitting like a burst ball having just given birth they'd be told "he's busy with me, go make your own tea you know where the kettle is".

But she didn’t just point out that she would see it first because of logistics. If she’d said “I’m really excited I’ll be pretty much the first person to meet the baby” no one would have had any issue. It came out of nowhere and she said it in a very childish and quite nasty way. I think the “ner ner” bit highlights that. But she has said things before to me and she doesn’t mean those (I hope anyway! She said when the baby is here, I’ll wake up and not know where he is cos she’ll have taken him somewhere!).

I agree my mum needs to stop being silly and making a fuss about it being so important who sees the baby when. And I will be more bossy with the visitors cos hubby will need and deserve a break. I can blame hormones if anyone has a problem with being told to get off their !!!! and do something to help!

OldMotherTucker wrote: »

My best advice would be to be really vague about committing to anyone visiting - "lets see how it goes once the baby arrives', 'Of course you want to see the baby but lets see how it all pans out'.

In a stroke of genius I took my MIL to one side and told her "I'm actually going to need you more than anyone when Hubby goes back to work' :rotfl::rotfl:

Good luck - it's all uncharted territory - if the worst come to worst, retreat to your bed with the new arrival and let everyone fend for themselves!

Thanks. I think I will be vague for the moment. Firstly we don't know when baby will arrive anyway so can't plan too much, and I have no idea how I'll feel.

When they do visit I'll bear in mind the retreating to bed with just the baby, especially if they outstay their welcome.

Sometimes living far away from all your family has it's benefits but sometimes it's a pain.

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

I agree.
These are the Grandparents and if its their first, they will be just as excited as you are.

You're having a baby. It's something to share with family and not something to create fallings out over.

It’s MILs first (and probably only ever – unless we have another) grandchild – so I do feel it’s more special for her and I’m sure she thought she’d never get any at all. It’s my parents’ fourth. Another sore spot is my mum could have had 2 more but didn’t want them. So her being as excited as us about a new grandchild is frankly rubbish.

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

I can't believe the desire to keep these people away.

Identify a cheap but adequate hotel nearby that includes a breakfast. Recommend it to both sets of grandparents and suggest they all come around on the same date at the same time for the same few hours.

And send hubby out to get a KFC if they need feeding.

If they don't want to stay in that hotel on those dates, tough.

I did mention, no cheap hotels where we live. Cheapest would be ~£100 unless you book a decent way in advance, that's without breakfast. However if they want to see their grandchild and we can't cope with too many visitors, then it's tough!

I haven't been able to eat KFC all pregnancy and I've said that that and steak is pretty much all I'm eating for the first 2 weeks after baby arrives so there a good chance visitors would be expected to dine from a bargain bucket or 2 anyway!

In terms of them having sense to limit the visit and offer to stay in a hotel - they wouldn’t. So we will have to make this part very clear to them.

toniq

Why not say wait till you are home and see how you are feeling before deciding on when.

No point saying yet xxx date etc, you wont know how things are till you are home.

I actually enjoyed the visitors and fussing after my little lady was born, loved showing her off and seeing all the love for her.

If it was me I'd go with the flow and not fret or plan it so much, enjoy the moment it's special.

So what if there is a few dishes to do or beds to make it's no big deal in the scheme of it all.

x

Kaye1

Here is one thing that is definite- nothing will go to plan, I guarantee that!

You and OH just need to work together as a team. He needs to be a bouncer if need be.

You may spend the first week weeping or you may have the energy of 10 people. Baby may feed easily, it may not. Baby may sleep, then might not. Husband may feel elated, he may feel overwhelmed. You might be fine, you might have stitches and be sore. You might be thrilled to show of your new baby, you may want to crawl into bed.

Play it by ear and if necessary, don't be afraid to say no.

Remember, the way your family speak to you and treat you will be seen by your young child in the future. You both need to be prepared to be a little firmer- not rude, just a little firmer.

I had to let someone in my OH's family know that they way they spoke to my OH was no longer acceptable- as what they thought was 'banter' was just plain unkindness and I could see my children watching everything that was said. He is now Daddy and saying those things about him are not ok. (I was never fine with it- but it was difficult for him to see that.)

Good luck!