Visitors when you've just had a baby

sulphate

I’ve seen various versions of this debate crop up on different forums a number of times and it always grinds my gears.

Do you know who else will only meet the baby once? The baby’s parents, you know the ones who actually created the child.

In my antenatal classes I was also told that we would be kicked out after 4 hours because I’d had an straightforward easy pregnancy and therefore my baby would pop out with no fuss! I guess after a traumatic birth which included 5 hours of pushing, my baby's heartbeat crashing, an excessive amount of blood loss and split episiotomy stitches, they changed their minds :rotfl: I was in for 2 nights, got no sleep at all during that time and when I arrived home I could barely string a sentence together let alone entertain people for hours on end.

Here's my advice.

Serve notice to your lodger. She'll probably want to leave anyway once the baby starts to wake her up every 2 hours.

Do not invite family members to stay with you unless you believe their offers to "help" are genuine i.e. are they going to actually HELP you or merely get under your feet, demand tea and biscuits on a constant basis, and say maddening things like "shall I hold the baby while you cook dinner?" :mad:

Do not feel bad about not having people to stay. You're about to become a parent and that comes with enough guilt as it is.

Do not worry about who comes first. This is one thing that really does not matter in the grand scheme of things. The baby will not remember nor care which set of grandparents he/she meets first, and you probably won't either. After baby is born, call both parents to tell them the happy news and give them the details of the nearest premier inn and dates of when you would be happy to see them.

If anyone complains, gently remind them that you would not usually be expected to host people after, for example, another major physical/emotional event.

Most importantly, make the most of the first few days/weeks with YOUR baby and do not be afraid to ask for what you need and ensure it happens. These are precious days and you will not get that time back again.

cats2012

Cyantist our baby girl is literally 3 days old today so I am speaking direct from experience! Our family are local so we always were willing to see them fairly soon but I always said definitely no hospital visitors and maybe even a day or two to ourselves first. However, I had her at 9.10am on Tuesday - and it was a pretty traumatic delivery with lots of complications - and by the evening I was on such a high I wanted to show her off! Both her grandmas came, separately, and just for 30 mins each but seeing them cry over her was beautiful.

We got home from hospital late afternoon Wed and both sets of grandparents came again for an hour each, in hindsight we should have probably put them off til Thurs but we had expected to leave hospital earlier.

Yesterday we then had an official no visitors day. Today we're popping round to our neighbour and OH's sister will come for an hour.

All I can say is we are exhausted from the nights and I am overwhelmed with trying to breastfeed, but we don't actually have a lot to "do" when she's this tiny. So visitors give us some social interaction, let us get excited and show her off, get us some.help with odd jobs and break up the day a bit.

So, in summary, I have totally surprised myself with how I feel on visitors. I would however absolutely not have anyone stay with us. The nights are horribly tough - day and night almost become irrelevant - so that space is needed. Your lodger obviously can't be helped and I assume is staying, but anyone else would be very full on. We've also been strict on telling people they're only allowed to stay for an hour (or whatever suits).

Sorry for the ramble - sleeping baby at 6.39am - and I appreciate your situation has some specific issues but hopefully this might help a bit. Remember how excited all your family will be too - they just want to be a part of this amazing experience, and I really have learnt they can be as long as it's on our terms.

Pop_Up_Pirate

The best lesson you can teach your child from day one is to embrace and nourish family.

It's a few days. Why be a grouch about it?

warby68

When I went in for my first, we allowed both unbelievably excited grandmas-to-be to 'camp out' at our house together. They did a wonderful job tidying up and doing little jobs as it turned into a bit of a marathon. Eventually it got too much and they sneaked to the hospital trying to wait unobtrusively but nearby - total fail, OH spotted them. In the end it was wonderful to see them just after and wonderful for them. They happily departed within 5 minutes to spread the news.

None of that was in the plan - we planned to go solo and everyone else was to 'wait for instructions' but all of a sudden that all felt a bit selfish and my mum especially wanted to be near her child as well as her child's child out of worry and love for me as well as for baby.

I do know though that both would have left in a second if asked to.

Things sometimes have a way of working out - I hope one does for you OP. Try and get them to buy in to the joy - that you will want them but just can't say where and when and for how long and will they please be on standby and a bit flexible. You never know, it might bring out their better sides lol

bap98189

Firstly stop being childish and ignore the silly behaviour of anyone else. It is quite normal for grandparents to want to see a new baby practically the second it is born.

Your parents live 2 hours away. They can easily visit and go home again the same day. Ask them to just come over for a couple of hours.

Tammykitty

Think about how you will feel in 25 years, when your baby is having a baby.


Will you want to be there and see them as soon as possible to ensure they are OK and to see your new grandchild?

tensandunits_2

sulphate wrote: »

Do not invite family members to stay with you unless you believe their offers to "help" are genuine i.e. are they going to actually HELP you or merely get under your feet, demand tea and biscuits on a constant basis, and say maddening things like "shall I hold the baby while you cook dinner?" :mad:

Only a very inconsiderate and socially-stupid person would behave like this.

I think a huge mountain has been made out of a molehill, as often happens on forums. People are over-thinking things and assuming the worst.

Marvel1

I think people need to stand up themselves and those including their parents what they want and if they don't like then it's tough.

cyantist

Congratulations minimoocow – it sounds like your family are a lot like mine so your suggestion seems very sensible.

Thanks sulphate. I know family will be excited, but not as much as us and despite what others here think, I very much doubt there will be genuine offers to help.

In terms of showing off – we don’t want to show off our baby. I know that might seem weird to a lot of people but the ‘showing off what you made’ thing feels so awkward to me. If we’d had our way we wouldn’t even have told anyone we were having a baby until he/she was safely here!

I know 2 hours isn’t far bap98189. When you live in London travelling that far becomes normal but my parents absolutely wouldn’t do this. They make driving to be such a big deal that doing here and back in one day would never be an option for them. But then they can stay in a hotel but whatever happens, them seeing the baby practically the second it is born is definitely not happening!

Congrats on your little girl cats. It’s good to hear from people who are in the same position. Maybe I will change my mind regarding how I think I’ll be with visitors, so waiting to see how we are after the birth makes sense.

Tammykitty - if my child ever has a child, honestly I would want them to do whatever they are comfortable with. It would be their child, not mine and obviously I will want to meet them as soon as the parents feel up to visitors but then I wouldn’t make a fuss about having to see the baby before the in laws, and (obviously dependent on distances involved) we’d happily drive down to see them for just an hour or two then go home.

Tensandunits: the problem is this is what they are like now and how they have always been. Even with me being pregnant and unable to do almost anything they haven’t helped when visiting and have still expected hubby to do everything even though he has had additional things like house renovation to be doing at the same time. It may well be that once a baby was here they would completely change the habit of a lifetime and genuinely help but if they haven’t when I’ve been pregnant and needed it, why would it change? Especially now there’s a baby to coo over giving them even less incentive to do anything that is a genuine help. I don’t want to invite people to stay banking on them doing things they have never done, and then us both ending up getting frustrated with them at a time when we will be sleep deprived and possibly completely overwhelmed.

Loz01

Oh god. Having people stay when you've just birthed a human sounds like my idea of hell. Just be honest, if you can't cope with people, YOU DONT HAVE TO. Popping in for a cup of tea is ok but having people stay..... wow. No thanks.