Visitors when you've just had a baby

haras_nosirrah

I had a straight forward natural birth with my second child (he was out within 2 hours of arriving at hospital)

born at 1am on thur and was out 4pm friday as they wanted to see that feeding was under control and all the doctor checks had to be done on both of us. They said I could stay longer if they felt I needed to but I wanted to get home.

Who said they kick you out after 4 hours? especially if you are a first time mum I would be supprised if this was the case

trailingspouse

Nightmare. It's your first baby, and that won't happen again, so do it the way you want to do it. Don't be guilted in to doing anything you don't want to do.

But you need to be firm. Pleasant, smiley, confident - and firm. And when you do invite the family over, take all offers of help, and make the most of it. They're holding the baby? Go and have a shower. They're not holding the baby? They can put the kettle on.

Some people are just easier to get along with, it's a shame your various parents aren't. There's not a lot you can do about it, apart from manage the situation.

All the best for the birth.

barbiedoll

Don't worry, you won't be "kicked out" after 4 hours, even after a bog-standard, normal birth! You can leave after 6 hours IF you and baby are deemed fit and well and if you want to. But, if like most of us, you're simply too knackered to even think about getting dressed after 6 hours, you can stay longer if you want to. And they'll want to make sure that you can feed your baby properly, especially if you're planning to breastfeed.

I visit new parents as part of my job and while some new mums are only too glad to have their parents come and stay for an endless visit, others insist on no visitors whatsoever. And of course, some visitors are much more helpful than others.

You mention your OH's relatives being "abroad" and that they will expect him to wait on them while they are there, so I'm assuming that there are some cultural issues here? (At a guess, Indian or similar?)
Your OH has paternity leave in order to support you and to bond with his child, NOT to be a servant to visitors, no matter how important they think that they are in the family hierarchy.

As for the order in which the grandparents meet the baby, what a ridiculous thing for you to have to worry about. If your mum starts making a fuss (or your MIL come to that), just tell them not to be so bloody stupid, it's not like the baby will have any memory of their first meeting, is it?

Don't get bogged down with silly stuff like this, if you want, tell them all that they're going to have to wait until you're ready and then forget about them and concentrate on yourself and your baby. You're about to embark on the most amazing, wonderful, scary and stressful journey of your life, so don't sweat the small stuff. Do what is right for you (you may find that you're on the phone to your mum, begging her to come over!) and your family. Don't be bullied or cajoled into having a houseful of visitors if you don't feel like it.

And don't boot out the lodger, she may be more helpful than you think! (thoughtless remarks notwithstanding!)

cyantist

comeandgo wrote: »

Goodness, is this what the young generation have come to. It's just giving birth, it's a baby, it's a lovely experience for all the family, grandparents too. You seem to be expecting problems, I take it this is your first child? They sleep, feed, Shxt, sleep, feed, shxt. Oh and cry when they want. It's not rocket science.

I'm no expecting any problems though as every person from my NCT class has had problems with their birth (from 5 day labour, to the cord ripping and baby losing lots of blood, to the head-down baby not actually being head down at all and requiring an emergency c-section) I'm not ruling out the possibility. I already know that baby has a cyst which is going to make things harder as it's likely to cause discomfort and pain.

Even if everything goes perfectly I'm pretty certain labour is quite tiring and that I will probably be sore for a while. I want hubby to be looking after me and his baby, not after our parents.

Haras_nosirrah/barbiedoll. I was surpised you're not given longer but both the midwife and the hospital have told me I will leave between 4 and 6 hours after birth unless there are complications.

barbiedoll wrote: »

As for the order in which the grandparents meet the baby, what a ridiculous thing for you to have to worry about. If your mum starts making a fuss (or your MIL come to that), just tell them not to be so bloody stupid, it's not like the baby will have any memory of their first meeting, is it?

Isn't it?! She has already made a fuss. She mentioned something that suggested she expected to visit straight away. When I said we would want a bit of time to get used to things, and hadn't decided who would visit when anyway, she made a huge deal. Starting !!!!!ing about MIL and questioning how many times MIL calls us to see how I am compared to how often my parents call!

There's no cultural difference, hubby is white British but some family emigrated and the rest just seem to think that when they are in our house they can sit back and get him to do everything.

ThumbRemote

Once the baby is born, I'd give the parents a date and time when they can visit - eg pop in during the afternoon on Wednesday, but only till 5pm (or some such).

Don't forget that new babies don't do that much. You may welcome the company.

barbiedoll

To be honest, your best bet (with your mum at least) might be to have a bit of a tantrum, put your foot down and tell her that no-one will be visiting without an invitation. And if they do turn up unannounced, they'll be left on the doorstep, staring at the knocker.

She'll sulk at first but she'll soon come round. You're going to be a mum, you need to start getting your bossy boots on!

(What hospital are you going to...PM me if you like? Your midwife/hospital sounds dreadful, we wouldn't dream of threatening to push women out in a few hours if they had a "normal" birth, unless they wanted to go. They do try to encourage women to go home asap but not to the point of evicting them after 4 hours!)

cyantist

ThumbRemote wrote: »

Once the baby is born, I'd give the parents a date and time when they can visit - eg pop in during the afternoon on Wednesday, but only till 5pm (or some such).

Don't forget that new babies don't do that much. You may welcome the company.

I wouldn't mind a couple of hours.But telling people to pop in on a wednesday afternoon, and that they can then only stay for a couple of hours, when it's a 5-6 hour drive isn't easy.

barbiedoll wrote: »

To be honest, your best bet (with your mum at least) might be to have a bit of a tantrum, put your foot down and tell her that no-one will be visiting without an invitation. And if they do turn up unannounced, they'll be left on the doorstep, staring at the knocker.

She'll sulk at first but she'll soon come round. You're going to be a mum, you need to start getting your bossy boots on!

I am good at tantrums at least! We will need to get strict and I am getting better with my mum in this respect. I need to make sure hubby is on board with this especially with his parents because he is not very good at standing up for us or asking them to do anything. He just always does everything, gets stressed and tired, then spends ages moaning that no one did anything to help. But we are both usually too stubborn to ask because "we shouldn't need to".

[Deleted User]

I think your loger is in for a rude awakening and might easily volunteer to leave. Never mind being so hurtful to your mum.

I'm below a couple with a new born (suspicions verified yesterday) with thin walls when the cries come even unfortunately when you could least do without out it's awful, I'm not even in the same property. You'll soon get your own back!

OldMotherTucker

cyantist wrote: »

I wouldn't mind a couple of hours.But telling people to pop in on a wednesday afternoon, and that they can then only stay for a couple of hours, when it's a 5-6 hour drive isn't easy.



I am good at tantrums at least! We will need to get strict and I am getting better with my mum in this respect. I need to make sure hubby is on board with this especially with his parents because he is not very good at standing up for us or asking them to do anything. He just always does everything, gets stressed and tired, then spends ages moaning that no one did anything to help. But we are both usually too stubborn to ask because "we shouldn't need to".

I had a month in hospital before my first and after a difficult birth I came home to a house that looked like a !!!! hole and a ton of well wishers who all knew what was 'best for baby' :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: All I wanted was to be left alone - I couldn't even sit on the toilet in peace - family members even had opinions on that :eek::eek::eek:

My best advice would be to be really vague about committing to anyone visiting - "lets see how it goes once the baby arrives', 'Of course you want to see the baby but lets see how it all pans out'.

In a stroke of genius I took my MIL to one side and told her "I'm actually going to need you more than anyone when Hubby goes back to work' :rotfl::rotfl:

Good luck - it's all uncharted territory - if the worst come to worst, retreat to your bed with the new arrival and let everyone fend for themselves!

FBaby

I craved being left alone much more after my babies were two weeks onwards than the first two of their lives. For one, they didn't start to suffer from colic until after 10 days, so found it much easier before, but also the effects of sleep deprivation had not kicked in yet whilst I was still pumping some adrenalin, so was much happier to have family/friends visiting the first two weeks than afterwards.

My family stayed at my house for a few days but they were great at helping around the house. I would have loved for my mum to come back when babies were 1 month old by just taking over for a few days, but that didn't happen as not so interested once they'd had their first cuddles. Still, I was delighted that family was there as soon as they could as I felt very proud to introduce them my babies.