This would be funny if I wasn't so upset. Don't know what to think

Pollycat

MXW wrote: »

I don't think I have been contradictory at all, I have very openly acknowledged that I am upset....That was in the title of my post. It is you who is like a dog with a bone (as you accused me). If I'm upset, then I should get over it because it was me that caused it.....If I pull myself together and try and handle it well (despite my upset), then I am trying to prove a point? I think you are right that it's time for you to bow out.

Sorry, it was me who made the comment about dog and bone.

I think you want answers (and I'd be exactly the same in your position) but I really don't think you'll get them.

FWIW, I think you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like he's got loads of issues and I don't think he'd ever really give 100% in a relationship.

MXW

Pollycat wrote: »

Sorry, it was me who made the comment about dog and bone.

I think you want answers (and I'd be exactly the same in your position) but I really don't think you'll get them.

FWIW, I think you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like he's got loads of issues and I don't think he'd ever really give 100% in a relationship.

Yes, I think your probably right. All my friends tell me the same thing, They know how he was with me, and are astounded that he says his feelings have changed for me overnight.

getmore4less

MXW wrote: »

Yes, I think your probably right. All my friends tell me the same thing, They know how he was with me, and are astounded that he says his feelings have changed for me overnight.

How do they know?

Is it what you have been telling them?

Seems unlikely it is because they actually know him as you have seen him probably less than 20 times in 5 months so how many time have they met him if at all.

You continue discount the possibility the relationship was not what/where you thought is was.

The weekend away could have been a gesture to move it on was made in an attempt to placate the low level of contact as you had raised that subject.

Living that close to each other and not seeing each other much is a fairly clear indicator there was still a long way to go no matter how much you want to believe otherwise.

MXW

getmore4less wrote: »

How do they know?

Is it what you have been telling them?

Seems unlikely it is because they actually know him as you have seen him probably less than 20 times in 5 months so how many time have they met him if at all.

You continue discount the possibility the relationship was not what/where you thought is was.

The weekend away could have been a gesture to move it on was made in an attempt to placate the low level of contact as you had raised that subject.

Living that close to each other and not seeing each other much is a fairly clear indicator there was still a long way to go no matter how much you want to believe otherwise.

I told them exactly what had gone on, they made their own conclusions.....and yes they have met him. One of my friends dislikes him for what he did to me the first time round. Maybe I was a fool starting up a relationship with him again, but you can't help who you care about.

You seem to forget, I was in a relationship with him before this, when he ended it in exactly the same manner, and without explanation. He then contacted me 2 weeks later to say that it was all his fault and he had been on his own too long.

The weekend away was his idea, as was the suggestion that we go on more and holiday abroad next year. I have never, ever put ANY kind of pressure on him to see me more, and never would. Given the way it ended the way it did before, I didn't want to push things. If he wanted to see more of me, then he should have said so.

He told me that I had really hurt him, which I truly didn't mean to do. He seems to forget how much he has hurt me in the past (and now).

Primrose

I think people living alone probably have a very high sensitivity level to things that other people might do to upset them because most of the time under their own roofs there is nobody to upset them. They can live calm uninterrupted lives.


The moment you start interacting with other people, especially in a close relationship, there is always the opportunity that somebody else will do or say something that impacts and disrupts your idea of what your calm life should be. It's inevitable. He had the option to de-sensitise himself to this slowly and gradually with activities like weekends together or holidays, but it seems even this was too much for him to cope with and he has chickened out.


I wonder how he reacts to his children. Does he get equally upset with them every time they disagree with him or challenge his views?

MXW

Primrose wrote: »

I think people living alone probably have a very high sensitivity level to things that other people might do to upset them because most of the time under their own roofs there is nobody to upset them. They can live calm uninterrupted lives.


The moment you start interacting with other people, especially in a close relationship, there is always the opportunity that somebody else will do or say something that impacts and disrupts your idea of what your calm life should be. It's inevitable. He had the option to de-sensitise himself to this slowly and gradually with activities like weekends together or holidays, but it seems even this was too much for him to cope with and he has chickened out.


I wonder how he reacts to his children. Does he get equally upset with them every time they disagree with him or challenge his views?

He adores his children, there is no doubt about that, and that is one of the reasons I cared about him so much, because my children have never had that.
When I had a small disagreement with my eldest son, I told him about it. I explained that when you have your children 24/7, it can be very hard. He acknowledged this, and said that he said that he just has the good times with his children. But going back to your question, he did tell me that when they were younger and arguing & fighting (as siblings do), he wouldn't have it, and told them that he only had them for a short time, so didn't want anything to spoil that.

Primrose

Sounds like he does like to live in an Alice in Wonderland world where nothing ever unpleasant happens and that he gets seriously upset when it does. He perhaps is risking disappointment if he invests 100% of his emotional energy in his children. As they grow older they could suffer the familiar problems of illness, redundancy, divorce, etc and if he is unduly thrown by outsude disturbances , he's going to be no more capable of giving support to them than he has been to you.

getmore4less

MXW wrote: »

You seem to forget, I was in a relationship with him before this, when he ended it in exactly the same manner, and without explanation. He then contacted me 2 weeks later to say that it was all his fault and he had been on his own too long.

I had not forgot because I do try to reread to check what was written,, long threads there is a lot to remember..

You said, he said it was things you had said, which is the same as this time.(OK he forgot what, but that's blokes react and forget)

He reacted badly to the accusation, dumps you then may or may not calm down and come back.

nagging for answers won't help.

If you want to carry on you may have accept that this is the way it will work for some time, every now an then there will be a misunderstanding the followup will be short break.

With your current encounter rate the desensitization process will take a very long time.

This is really common in relationships it is just the extreme version of silent treatment mode.

He may need to be less sensitive to things you say but you need to be less sensitive to the way he reacts.

Or move on.

MXW

getmore4less wrote: »

I had not forgot because I do try to reread to check what was written,, long threads there is a lot to remember..

You said, he said it was things you had said, which is the same as this time.(OK he forgot what, but that's blokes react and forget)

He reacted badly to the accusation, dumps you then may or may not calm down and come back.

nagging for answers won't help.

If you want to carry on you may have accept that this is the way it will work for some time, every now an then there will be a misunderstanding the followup will be short break.

With your current encounter rate the desensitization process will take a very long time.

This is really common in relationships it is just the extreme version of silent treatment mode.

He may need to be less sensitive to things you say but you need to be less sensitive to the way he reacts.

Or move on.

I take your point. However, I have not nagged him for answers, apart from in the initial telephone conversation. If asking someone why they are ending their relationship out of the blue, is classed as nagging, then I am guilty. Since asking him to sort out my belongings, I have made no contact with him, so I don't think that I could be classed as nagging.

I can't really be less sensitive to the way he reacts, if he is ending the relationship every time something happens that he's not happy with.

In terms of him saying he can't remember what I said when he ended the relationship first time round.......would you seriously forget what had been said, if you had ended your relationship on the basis of that comment?

Pollycat

MXW wrote: »

I take your point. However, I have not nagged him for answers, apart from in the initial telephone conversation. If asking someone why they are ending their relationship out of the blue, is classed as nagging, then I am guilty. Since asking him to sort out my belongings, I have made no contact with him, so I don't think that I could be classed as nagging.

I can't really be less sensitive to the way he reacts, if he is ending the relationship every time something happens that he's not happy with.

In terms of him saying he can't remember what I said when he ended the relationship first time round.......would you seriously forget what had been said, if you had ended your relationship on the basis of that comment?

Talking generally, a woman possibly wouldn't forget but I'm not sure it would be the same for a bloke.