This would be funny if I wasn't so upset. Don't know what to think

MXW

Primrose wrote: »

I think the remarks by the psychologist are very true and these traits are probably not unusual in people who have lived on their own for a long time. Every small domestic routine is set in concrete and because there is nobody around to challenge your habits, everything can run smoothly. The moment that routine is changed for any reason it becomes a major issue, often out of all proportion to the incident itself and often having to adapt to even small changes with somebody else involve can cause real mental upset.


I suppose it's a lesson to bear in mind for everybody who lives alone. Even somebody with a different bedtime routine can be a major disturbance to a life that runs on regularly oiled wheels and the person who institutes that change can be viewed as disruptive.


Much as you care for this person, it sounds as if it would be very very difficult for him to get out of the massive rut he has dug for himself. It would probably take only a few minor domestic incidents or changes in routine for him to have felt massively out of his comfort zone. There is nothing you have done wrong. He just couldn't cope with change.


It may be that reflecting about this will cause him to give some serious thought about the rut into which he has dug himself, and in time he might be prepared to take some small steps to change but I suspect the dye is probably now cast. It's up to him to decide whether a lifetime of future loneliness is a price worth paying for never having his routines disrupted. It's obviously sad for you that it has taken two panic attacks on his part to show that he can't cope with disrupted patterns. You probably have to ask yourself whether you could cope long term with somebody who goes into a panic every time life throws up some kind of unexpected or disruptive event. As we all know, it has a habit of doing that all too frequently and if you were with him on such occasions in a longer term partnership you would probably find him totally unable to give you any support at all. Is that what you would really want?

I think the thing I find difficult is that I am quite a strong person.....I've had to be, I've brought my 2 son's up single handed, with virtually no outside help. I've had a lot of things thrown at me over the years, but despite being in real despair sometimes, I've always pulled myself together and got on with it. I am very honest and straight talking, and at first I think he found that quite intimidating, but he has said that he has got used to that now.

When I first started seeing him, sometimes he was like a rabbit in a cars headlights! He was very nervous, and if we just had a conversation on a personal level, he saw that as confrontation, and it was obvious that he was getting uptight and anxious. He told me that he never really talked much, but that he could talk to me easily, and had never talked to anyone so much. He said in a crowd of people, he usually took a back seat and was a people watcher, rather than joining in. Having said all that he is very well known, and liked in the area where he lives, as he comes from a very big family.

When we got together this time he was a very different person, much more confident. I asked why he was so different this time, and he said he was much more confident (I'm not sure what he meant by that).

I do really care for him, but am well aware of the challenges, being a straight talking, get on with it person, I don't know if it could work.

We had agreed that he would pay me the money for my share of the holiday money we had paid do to the cancellation. I sent him the rental agreement yesterday, which should that we would not get a refund, and he didn't respond. As he will be working away from Monday, I wanted to get it sorted. I text him this morning and politely asked him when he thought he could pay me the money, and I could get my things from his house. He said he would sort it Friday. He ended the text by saying, I'm so sorry for everything. Maybe that's the remorse setting in, who knows?

getmore4less

MXW wrote: »

No, it was definitely not that kind of a relationship. I choose not to stay over. I have kids and don't want them to see me coming home the morning after. It may be a bit old fashioned, but that's the way I feel.

What sort of relationship were you not sure of then?

You seem a long way from anything that would be considered commitment.

You won't stay over but then accuse him of not wanting you to stay.
Blokes don't need that confusing !!!! in their lives.

When you were bedding at your place did he stay over?

MXW

getmore4less wrote: »

What sort of relationship were you not sure of then?

You seem a long way from anything that would be considered commitment.

You won't stay over but then accuse him of not wanting you to stay.
Blokes don't need that confusing !!!! in their lives.

When you were bedding at your place did he stay over?

We were most certainly in a committed relationship. I chose not to stay over because I have 2 son's at home, who wouldn't want to see me the next day turning up after a "sleep over". He had no problem with this whatsoever. My kid's were not used to seeing me in a relationship, and I think they found it a little hard, although they never said anything.I would have stayed over when I knew they were comfortable with it.I never said that I had a problem with him not wanting me to stay, I said I got the impression that he wanted me to leave early.

justme111

Why you so surprised one day he was saying one thing and another day other thing? Usually humans have mix of emotions, they tend to voice most convenient ones or just different ones depending on the mood. Hence complimentary ones while relationship was tickling and negative when he had enough of it. Interesting that you kind of glossed over his grievances with you and are trying hard to find explanation in something wrong being with him. Even to the extent of running it by children of your friends . It happens often that people who class themselves as straight talking are quite righteous, blinkered and not see other's opinions/perspective.
Interesting that you do not see anything wrong with you deciding when you left him to it at nights (after having a nap as well - quiet an awkward layout if you ask me) but do not see it as irreasonable that you went into a strop when it just looked to you as if he tried to decide when you go.

MXW

justme111 wrote: »

Why you so surprised one day he was saying one thing and another day other thing? Usually humans have mix of emotions, they tend to voice most convenient ones or just different ones depending on the mood. Hence complimentary ones while relationship was tickling and negative when he had enough of it. Interesting that you kind of glossed over his grievances with you and are trying hard to find explanation in something wrong being with him. Even to the extent of running it by children of your friends . It happens often that people who class themselves as straight talking are quite righteous, blinkered and not see other's opinions/perspective.
Interesting that you do not see anything wrong with you deciding when you left him to it at nights (after having a nap as well - quiet an awkward layout if you ask me) but do not see it as irreasonable that you went into a strop when it just looked to you as if he tried to decide when you go.

Have you been drinking?

getmore4less

MXW wrote: »

We were most certainly in a committed relationship. I chose not to stay over because I have 2 son's at home, who wouldn't want to see me the next day turning up after a "sleep over". He had no problem with this whatsoever. My kid's were not used to seeing me in a relationship, and I think they found it a little hard, although they never said anything.I would have stayed over when I knew they were comfortable with it.I never said that I had a problem with him not wanting me to stay, I said I got the impression that he wanted me to leave early.

that's not what you said in your opening post

In a nutshell I told him that he made me feel like crap, and it was clear that he wanted me out of the house

you accused him of wanting you to leave.
(you had already got up, got dressed, and gone downstairs)

Wrong thing to say, you are walking out and it is his fault...

The psychologist probably has homed in on a core issue but missed of the important bit by the time you hit your 50's you learn that you don't have to "cope" with conflict and cr4p like you did when you were young, you can just remove it from your life.

The last thing he needs is you blowing a tantrum every time you don't get a cuddle after a romp.

MXW

getmore4less wrote: »

that's not what you said in your opening post

In a nutshell I told him that he made me feel like crap, and it was clear that he wanted me out of the house

you accused him of wanting you to leave.
(you had already got up, got dressed, and gone downstairs)

Wrong thing to say, you are walking out and it is his fault...

The psychologist probably has homed in on a core issue but missed of the important bit by the time you hit your 50's you learn that you don't have to "cope" with conflict and cr4p like you did when you were young, you can just remove it from your life.

The last thing he needs is you blowing a tantrum every time you don't get a cuddle after a romp.

Think you are missing the point of what I am saying. His actions made me feel like he wanted me to leave early, he was awake.when I was getting dressed he didn't ask what are you doing/going, he never said a word. I went down stairs afterwards.

I think the issue is, that he has done this before, apologised and wanted the relationship to continue. The last time he couldn't even remember why he had done it, other than the fact I had said something, but he couldn't remember what it was. Men in their 50's should be able to address anything they see as an excellentissue, one way or the other, not just end it, and then in 2 weeks time say he had made a mistake, and it's because he has been single for too long.

getmore4less

Holly *** it's all about me

Works both ways you got up and dressed and did not say anything ...

probably there thinking what's pi33ed her off this time....

you waited till he comes down, tries to broach the subject and you lay into him.

What was wrong with something like "we are both tired probably best I go early today".

Before you got up...

MXW

getmore4less wrote: »

Holly *** it's all about me

Works both ways you got up and dressed and did not say anything ...

probably there thinking what's pi33ed her off this time....

you waited till he comes down, tries to broach the subject and you lay into him.

What was wrong with something like "we are both tired probably best I go early today".

Before you got up...

Holy?

I've already explained many times why I did what I did, and that I overreacted.
During all the time we have been together this is the first time we have had a blip.....We have never so much as had a cross word, he ended it without warning, like he did the first time round (and there hadn't even had a blip then. No normal person ends a relationship over one misunderstanding, which they have received an apology for. I couldn't have discussed this with him on the night, because he would have probably just shut down, and probably ended it anyway. All relationships have a disagreement, but surely when things are going so well (and he has said they were) you wouldn't end it when it was a first time disagreement. It doesn't make sense.

Pop_Up_Pirate

MXW wrote: »

Think you are missing the point of what I am saying. His actions made me feel like he wanted me to leave early, he was awake.when I was getting dressed he didn't ask what are you doing/going, he never said a word. I went down stairs afterwards.

I think the issue is, that he has done this before, apologised and wanted the relationship to continue. The last time he couldn't even remember why he had done it, other than the fact I had said something, but he couldn't remember what it was. Men in their 50's should be able to address anything they see as an excellentissue, one way or the other, not just end it, and then in 2 weeks time say he had made a mistake, and it's because he has been single for too long.

If someone came to my house for a bit of hows your father and would never stay over, I would get peed off.
It might have been that it upset him a lot that you shared intimate times, rolled over, went to sleep, started snoring, but he felt he couldnt relax because he knew you wanted to go home.
Maybe it all got too much for him and he thought he was being used. He didn't verbalise his upset...men often don't....but you decided to have a strop instead of accepting that sometimes other people get into moods of their own and you didn't let it go.

As the poster above said, all you needed to do was accept he might have been having a hard time of you not wanting to stay all night and say "Time to go. I'll speak to you tomorrow" and leave happy.

I can see why he ended the relationship/