This would be funny if I wasn't so upset. Don't know what to think

Primrose

If he rings tonight, I'd be perfectly pleasant but you may want to suggest cancelling the weekend away to take the pressure off him. He sounds as if he's not very articulate and has problems communicating at a very personal level. As a matter of interest, do you know why his first marriage ended? It may be that communication problems were at the heart of it, in which case that would be a real red warning light to me as he hasn't yet learned how to overcome the problem.


If it gets to a serious conversation about communication difficulties and he admits to it, you might try asking him whether it would help if you raised key questions when talking about the issue, or whether in fact he finds this intrusive. Some people find it helpful to have somebody else "lead" the way which helps them assemble their thoughts. Others may find it too intrusive.


I would be wary about committing to deeply to this liaison at this point , if only because effective communication is at the very heart of all good relationships, especially when problems occur and if somebody doesn't have this particular skill, you could run into difficulty every time an issues arises. Often in fact, it can even cause difficulties in the first place.

MXW

Primrose wrote: »

If he rings tonight, I'd be perfectly pleasant but you may want to suggest cancelling the weekend away to take the pressure off him. He sounds as if he's not very articulate and has problems communicating at a very personal level. As a matter of interest, do you know why his first marriage ended? It may be that communication problems were at the heart of it, in which case that would be a real red warning light to me as he hasn't yet learned how to overcome the problem.


If it gets to a serious conversation about communication difficulties and he admits to it, you might try asking him whether it would help if you raised key questions when talking about the issue, or whether in fact he finds this intrusive. Some people find it helpful to have somebody else "lead" the way which helps them assemble their thoughts. Others may find it too intrusive.


I would be wary about committing to deeply to this liaison at this point , if only because effective communication is at the very heart of all good relationships, especially when problems occur and if somebody doesn't have this particular skill, you could run into difficulty every time an issues arises. Often in fact, it can even cause difficulties in the first place.

Thanks for your reply primrose.

I don't know the ins and outs of it, but his wife had an affair. It hit him hard as he could only see his children at the weekend, and I think one night during the week. He comes from a very large family, and not living with his children took it's toll. In addition, his ex made it difficult for him to see the children. They are grown up now, but they visit him regularly, and he cooks Sunday lunch for them every week.

I am the first person he has had a relationship with in 13 years (since he split with his wife). When I first started seeing him, he was very nervous, but to be fair, this time round he has been like a different person. Everything was perfect.....Until Saturday night!

I am a very open person, and if there's an issue will deal with it. On the other hand, he buries his head in the sand. First time round I could actually hear the panic in his voice when we were talking about our relationship....Like I said, this time round he is much better.

As I said, I know I overreacted, but it's how he's dealt with it that upsets me. I admitted I was in the wrong, but did explain why I reacted the way I did.....I just assumed we could move on from this.

I've decided that if he's being vague about what he wants and we can't come to any sort of resolution (if that's the right word), I will end it myself. I will be very upset to do it because I care deeply for him, and we've had nothing but wonderful times together, but I can't live with the uncertainty of what our relationship is (if that makes sense)?

svain

MXW wrote: »

Thanks for your reply primrose.

I don't know the ins and outs of it, but his wife had an affair. It hit him hard as he could only see his children at the weekend, and I think one night during the week. He comes from a very large family, and not living with his children took it's toll. In addition, his ex made it difficult for him to see the children. They are grown up now, but they visit him regularly, and he cooks Sunday lunch for them every week.

I am the first person he has had a relationship with in 13 years (since he split with his wife). When I first started seeing him, he was very nervous, but to be fair, this time round he has been like a different person. Everything was perfect.....Until Saturday night!

I am a very open person, and if there's an issue will deal with it. On the other hand, he buries his head in the sand. First time round I could actually hear the panic in his voice when we were talking about our relationship....Like I said, this time round he is much better.

As I said, I know I overreacted, but it's how he's dealt with it that upsets me. I admitted I was in the wrong, but did explain why I reacted the way I did.....I just assumed we could move on from this.

I've decided that if he's being vague about what he wants and we can't come to any sort of resolution (if that's the right word), I will end it myself. I will be very upset to do it because I care deeply for him, and we've had nothing but wonderful times together, but I can't live with the uncertainty of what our relationship is (if that makes sense)?

Why do you need to "label" your relationship. You get on great, you have had wonderful times etc .... why not just go with the flow and enjoy it??

MXW

svain wrote: »

Why do you need to "label" your relationship. You get on great, you have had wonderful times etc .... why not just go with the flow and enjoy it??

What I mean by that, is where he is in terms of the relationship. Up to this point, that's exactly what we were doing "going with the flow", and it was wonderful. Up to Saturday, he was telling me how he missed me, I brightened his life, he missed me......And this was all in the last week. Yesterday he told me, he didn't know if his feelings had changed for me or not, and that he thought this 2 weeks ago, but contradicted himself by saying, when I asked him if he was feeling like this Saturday night, and he said, no of course not, you know that. I just want him to tell me where his head is, and if he wants to continue with this relationship. But that's easier said than done, as I can't get a straight answer out of him. Like I said, I've been here before.

Primrose

How do you help an acutely nervous person to start trusting again? That seems to be one of the cruxes of your issue.
Maybe you have to pose this this question to him at some point since it seems to be his issue to address.
If you ever get to have this conversation, maybe he could come up with three or four things he would be looking for to help him regain his confidence in a trusting relationship again. i.e. What would lead him to believe that things were different this time?

Maybe he simply had a panic attack as some stray thoughts flashed though his mind and totally undermined his confidence, causing him to believe history was about to repeat itself. Would you be able to ask him sympathetically to help you umdwrstand what triggered the sudden change in atmosphere?

This sounds like a case where you may have to VERY patient if he is to come back on board. Obviously that depends on the depth of your feelings for him and your preparedness to go the whole way and then still find that he isn't able to navigate all the hurdles.

MXW

Primrose wrote: »

How do you help an acutely nervous person to start trusting again? That seems to be one of the cruxes of your issue.
Maybe you have to pose this this question to him at some point since it seems to be his issue to address.
If you ever get to have this conversation, maybe he could come up with three or four things he would be looking for to help him regain his confidence in a trusting relationship again. i.e. What would lead him to believe that things were different this time?

Maybe he simply had a panic attack as some stray thoughts flashed though his mind and totally undermined his confidence, causing him to believe history was about to repeat itself. Would you be able to ask him sympathetically to help you umdwrstand what triggered the sudden change in atmosphere?

This sounds like a case where you may have to VERY patient if he is to come back on board. Obviously that depends on the depth of your feelings for him and your preparedness to go the whole way and then still find that he isn't able to navigate all the hurdles.

Thank you for your wise words

If he rings me tonight, I will try my best to get some answers, but I know if I push too hard he will just clam up.

He has told me that he is the happiest he has been for many years and that he constantly thinks about me all throughout the day. Surely to goodness he will have enough sense not to throw this away. He's 57 years old, and the chances of him meeting someone else is very slim, mainly because of his work and how he chooses to spend his leisure time...And to be honest he's definitely not the kind of man to go out looking for a relationship. His social time is spent at his local having a couple of points with his mates.

I'll do what it takes to get things on track, I feel deeply for him and just can't believe we've gone from how we were to this!

MXW

Well, I've had the phone call and the relationship is over.

I was told very matter of fact my that due to my behaviour on Saturday night....He had thought about it, and there was no way he could go on holiday with me and the relationship was over.

I was told he had lived alone for a long time and could manage on his own. There was no emotion in his voice and no compassion, just anger.

I said what about all the things he had said to me, such as that I had made him happier than he had been in years, and that he couldn't have meant it. He said that he meant it at the time. I said surely you couldn't change how you feel about someone overnight!

I had never seen him like this. I think he booked the holiday, regretted it, and Saturday was an ideal opportunity for him to cancel! I told him that this was more to do with him wanting to be on his own, he replied maybe....I don't know!

getmore4less

but I can't live with the uncertainty of what our relationship is (if that makes sense)

In modern terms I think you could have been classed as friends with benefits(FWB).

I have to go from memory(post gone) but the Sat night situation, not staying but having a benefit moment, but then you wanted, sleep and cuddles.

Was this different to your regular benefits time.

perhaps if you fell asleep and he woke you up, that would have been a good time to get up have the shower, if still too early to leave a chat and cup of tea or get ready to go home.

edit: should have read to the end before replying, sorry to here things are over.

Primrose

I am sorry. You must be feeling low. I think you can only console yourself with the thought that he probably wouldn't have adapted well to a relationshipwhere continual adjustments have to be made to accommodate another person,s temperaments or personality. Booking the holiday where you obviously have been in close proximity to each other's personal habits was obviously his ,ight bulb moment. You will feel very sad, but try and remind yourself that genuine love between two people is a test of their patience to accommodate and live with each others' habits. He failed the test and in terms of your emotional wellbeing it,s better he failed now than after a longer period when yiu might have moved in together and had your whole love completely thrown upside down.

Go on valuing yourself and be kind to yourself. Do you have friends or family who can support you?

clint_S

If anyone is interested here is the deleted post:

I apologise for the long post, i'll try and keep it as short as I can.

Last year I started to see a boyfriend that I went out with when I was 15 (I'm now 53). Things were going really well, and then on my birthday, after having a really lovely night together, I noticed that he was a little distant, and he went home rather abruptly. To cut a very long story short, I rang him the next day and asked what was wrong, I couldn't really get a straight answer out of him, and then he said he didn't know how he felt about me any more, he hadn't been in a relationship for a long time and felt it was getting "too deep". I asked if he wanted to end the relationship and he said he didn't know, and could he think about it. I told him no, and that he either wanted to see me or he didn't, asked if he wanted to end it again, and he said that it would be for the best if it ended.

I was very upset, It was the first relationship I had been in for a very long time (the same for him), and although we hadn't been seeing each other for very long I had put my trust in him.

He rang me two weeks later, and said he had made a mistake, it was all his fault and that he had not been in a relationship for so long that he was scared. He wanted us to try again. To be honest, with him working away a lot & one thing after another it never got up off the ground.

I then tried internet dating, but that didn't work out very well, so decided to stay single.

In September he contacted me again, said he missed me, that he had made a huge mistake and could we meet. I told him we could meet but didn't want to bring the past up. We went out for a drink, and had a lovely night, and I have been seeing him ever since.

Since September until now, we have grown really close, texting everyday, regular phone calls and seeing each other at the weekend (when he wasn't working away). He has made it clear he is smitten.....and that's the same for me. We have booked a romantic long weekend away at Easter. He really hasn't put a foot wrong!

Last night, we had a night in at his house. Went to bed (I wasn't staying the night). He got up out of bed and went to look for his phone to see what time it was, got back in bed, with his back to me...at the other side of the bed (no cuddles like normal). He got up again and checked the time (it wasn't late to the normal time we would go home from each other's houses). I took that as a que that he wanted me gone...I got up and got dressed, he didn't ask where I was going, I went downstairs and phoned for a taxi. He followed me downstairs and asked me what was wrong, In a nutshell I told him that he made me feel like crap, and it was clear that he wanted me out of the house, and that he had laid on the other side of the bed with his back to me.All he said, was that he was tired. I went outside to wait for the taxi, and he stood in the doorway and asked me to go inside to talk, I said I didn't want to.

I hadn't heard from him today, so text him to ask if I could ring (he always has his kids for Sunday lunch, so didn't want to interupt them.
I didn't get a reply, so later on rang him, and his phone was switched off (which he did the last time because he doesn't like confrontation.) I left a message to say that I didn't want to fall out over this, but needed to clear the air, and his phone being switched off brought memories back of the last time we ended the relationship.

I spoke to my friend about it, and she said straight away, it's because you were snoring, and he couldn't get any sleep, he went to the other side of the bed to get away from it. She went on to say that she snores and it is a problem in her relationship, although they have overcome it.

He text me, to say that I could ring, so did. I explained how I felt, he said that wasn't his intention, and that I had fallen asleep and was snoring so he couldn't get to sleep, and so he woke me up.

That then escalated, and he said he didn't know if his feelings had changed....came out with all sorts of excuses...him working away...us liking different things etc etc. I asked him when his feelings changed, and he said a couple of weeks ago...this was when he was saying he wanted us to book more weekends away, and was thinking we could go abroad next year. I pointed out that it was only last week that he was telling me that he loved everything about me, the time went so fast, and he didn't want to go home! I asked if he was feeling this way last night....he said definately not...you know that...so he had contridicated himself already. He then said' everything was fine until the end of the night and "he couldn't be doing with it". I asked if I could go to his house today and sort things out when the kids had gone home, he said that he didn't want that, he needed to clear his head and he would ring me tomorrow and talk. I said..so I have to wait until tomorrow to see whether or not you want to end this relationship? He said no, that's not why I am ringing, it's not going to be either one or the other, and that things are still the same between us????

I sent him a text and said, that I suspected this was all about my snoring, and he replied that he didn't know, but that I may be right, but that he would ring me tomorrow for a chat .

I am so upset, it's like history repeating itself, I really don't know what's going on in his head, and if I can put myself through this again.

I text back and said I didn't know if I could do this or not, and that I didn't know how I felt any more, and that I was confused and upset.

He's definately far from being a player, but hates confrontation of any sort. I haven't heard any more from him, so am assuming he will just ring me tomorrow.

I haven't got a clue what to think, or what to do. I do care for him deeply, and am very hurt by what he's done.