This would be funny if I wasn't so upset. Don't know what to think

MXW

getmore4less wrote: »

but I can't live with the uncertainty of what our relationship is (if that makes sense)

In modern terms I think you could have been classed as friends with benefits(FWB).

I have to go from memory(post gone) but the Sat night situation, not staying but having a benefit moment, but then you wanted, sleep and cuddles.

Was this different to your regular benefits time.

perhaps if you fell asleep and he woke you up, that would have been a good time to get up have the shower, if still too early to leave a chat and cup of tea or get ready to go home.

edit: should have read to the end before replying, sorry to here things are over.

No, it was definitely not that kind of a relationship. I choose not to stay over. I have kids and don't want them to see me coming home the morning after. It may be a bit old fashioned, but that's the way I feel.

MXW

Primrose wrote: »

I am sorry. You must be feeling low. I think you can only console yourself with the thought that he probably wouldn't have adapted well to a relationshipwhere continual adjustments have to be made to accommodate another person,s temperaments or personality. Booking the holiday where you obviously have been in close proximity to each other's personal habits was obviously his ,ight bulb moment. You will feel very sad, but try and remind yourself that genuine love between two people is a test of their patience to accommodate and live with each others' habits. He failed the test and in terms of your emotional wellbeing it,s better he failed now than after a longer period when yiu might have moved in together and had your whole love completely thrown upside down.

Go on valuing yourself and be kind to yourself. Do you have friends or family who can support you?

I have just posted a long reply to this, but lost it.

Yes I have lots of friends for support that have been great. They are all of the opinion that he has some kind of mental health issue, by that I mean that he seems to have very deep moods.

What I experienced yesterday, is almost exactly the same when he ended the relationship the first time. He was very angry and hard faced, and I could almost feel the adrenaline. He kept saying that I had hurt and upset him, and that when I had gone he had to sit down, have a cup of tea and think about what had just happened.

He ended the relationship first time round on my birthday, he left early without any explanation. When I rang him the following day to see what was wrong, I pretty much had the same conversation with him as yesterday. He said yesterday that he had left early on my birthday because I had said something to him. I couldn't recall saying anything and asked what I had said. He said he couldn't remember....So he had ended the the relationship because of something I had said, but couldn't remember what it was!

I have apologised unreservedly for getting hold of the wrong end of the stick and over reacting. Most people would be annoyed, say so, and move on, not end the relationship!

I've gone from blaming myself for over reacting to actually thinking that it's him that has over reacted.

In terms of the fact that he has lived on his own for some time. I have never asked him where he is going or what he is doing. I've always encouraged him to go out with his friends and have a good time. I have never, ever pressurised him into seeing me, it was always him making the arrangements to see me. One weekend he should have been working away, but drove 7 hours home and 7 hours back so he could see me.

He used to go to the local on a Friday to have a drink with his mates, but just for a couple of hours, he stopped doing that while he was seeing me. That was nothing to do with me because I always go out with the girls on a Friday night.

Maybe I'm just thick.....But I still don't get it, and neither do my friends.

MXW

Just another thought with regards to him living alone for some time...

I asked if I had treat him well while we were together. He said there's no doubt of that, you couldn't have been any better. Then went on to say that all the times we had spent together had been wonderful.

[Deleted User]

I think you need to stop trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and try to move on in your life. Obviously you can't change his reactions. He's done this to you twice now. Whatever reason he has, its not sorted and probably never will be.

svain

Mental issues or not ... he sounds a nightmare and any relationship with him will test your sanity and continually question yourself. Its not worth it and your better off without him

Pollycat

deannatrois wrote: »

I think you need to stop trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and try to move on in your life. Obviously you can't change his reactions. He's done this to you twice now. Whatever reason he has, its not sorted and probably never will be.

^^^^ Great advice. :T

Pop_Up_Pirate

MXW wrote: »

Just another thought with regards to him living alone for some time...

I asked if I had treat him well while we were together. He said there's no doubt of that, you couldn't have been any better. Then went on to say that all the times we had spent together had been wonderful.

Why sit around asking whether he wants in on the relationship or not?

Make a decision for yourself. You're not happy. He doesn't make you feel good. Cut him loose.
Women should never leave their happiness in a man's hands.

justme111

A couple of observations -
-On the original post -
So you lay in bed in the dark at night with him and then you go home when you feel ready to?
Not sure I understand the sequence of events. If it is as I described then I do not think it is fair on the remaining person to keep awake until such time when you decide to go home. Sometimes one would feel like it , sometimes not.
-You say you apologised for overreacting and you sound as if you expected it to be sorted. I got no idea whether your overreacting on that evening caused it or was the last straw or had nothing to do with a break up. If it did then it is surprising that you do not see that apologies however nice or right thing to do will not always result in getting the things the way you want them

MXW

justme111 wrote: »

A couple of observations -
-On the original post -
So you lay in bed in the dark at night with him and then you go home when you feel ready to?
Not sure I understand the sequence of events. If it is as I described then I do not think it is fair on the remaining person to keep awake until such time when you decide to go home. Sometimes one would feel like it , sometimes not.
-You say you apologised for overreacting and you sound as if you expected it to be sorted. I got no idea whether your overreacting on that evening caused it or was the last straw or had nothing to do with a break up. If it did then it is surprising that you do not see that apologies however nice or right thing to do will not always result in getting the things the way you want them

I didn't expect him to stay awake. I generally don't fall asleep, but when I do it's not for long, and I get up and go home. It's just how we were.

Things between us couldn't have been better, and he said that up until the end of the night everything was fine and we were having a great time. What I find confusing is how he can apparently change his feelings for me overnight and want to cancel a holiday we had booked on the back of this.

I think there is more to this than just what I did on the night.... Maybe he has been on his own too long and doesn't have to deal with any ups and downs from other people. I know he will now just go back into his routine of work, kids, couple of hours in the pub and an early night. This is where it makes him feel safe, and there's no chance of him getting hurt.

My work colleagues son is a psychologist, she told him my situation and the first thing he said was, has he been on his own for a long time? Apparently, when the relationship is running smoothly, everything is fabulous, as soon as there is conflict, he realises that this is what happens in the real world, and can't cope with it, it wouldn't matter how big or small the conflict is.....He would just go back to being single, having tunnel vision, and just being in his own environment. He also said that if he had scars from the past, the conflict could have been brought to the forefront, and he was feeling the pain again.... Instead of the good person I was, I am now a bad person....There are no grey areas, just black and white. If this is true of him, then it makes me very sad.

Primrose

I think the remarks by the psychologist are very true and these traits are probably not unusual in people who have lived on their own for a long time. Every small domestic routine is set in concrete and because there is nobody around to challenge your habits, everything can run smoothly. The moment that routine is changed for any reason it becomes a major issue, often out of all proportion to the incident itself and often having to adapt to even small changes with somebody else involve can cause real mental upset.


I suppose it's a lesson to bear in mind for everybody who lives alone. Even somebody with a different bedtime routine can be a major disturbance to a life that runs on regularly oiled wheels and the person who institutes that change can be viewed as disruptive.


Much as you care for this person, it sounds as if it would be very very difficult for him to get out of the massive rut he has dug for himself. It would probably take only a few minor domestic incidents or changes in routine for him to have felt massively out of his comfort zone. There is nothing you have done wrong. He just couldn't cope with change.


It may be that reflecting about this will cause him to give some serious thought about the rut into which he has dug himself, and in time he might be prepared to take some small steps to change but I suspect the dye is probably now cast. It's up to him to decide whether a lifetime of future loneliness is a price worth paying for never having his routines disrupted. It's obviously sad for you that it has taken two panic attacks on his part to show that he can't cope with disrupted patterns. You probably have to ask yourself whether you could cope long term with somebody who goes into a panic every time life throws up some kind of unexpected or disruptive event. As we all know, it has a habit of doing that all too frequently and if you were with him on such occasions in a longer term partnership you would probably find him totally unable to give you any support at all. Is that what you would really want?