Worth trying to stay friends with someone so completely different?

hazyjo

BBH123 wrote: »

I have a very good / close friend who I have wondered about many times in that we actually have very little in common now despite having been friends for 40 years. She can be dominant and a bit 'preachy' if I say something she doesnt agree with but she would be horrfied / upset if I told her how it made me feel. Ultimately I know she will always be there for me through thick and thin and I for her. We dont see each other as much as we used to as we live in different parts of the country...

Haha I could've written this! She was once my best mate - for decades probably. She moved to Scotland. She was always bossy and controlling and very preachy.


I'd say something like 'that kid over there' and she'd go off on one about a kid being a baby goat. I wish I'd said to her that if she said 'that wee boy' I wouldn't be presuming he was covered in p***! Honestly, she just seems to know what buttons to press. Dialect, beliefs, terminology - so bloody what. We're all different and we all say different things. She would pick me up on everything - accent included (seemed to forget the fact she had an Essex accent and grew up there for 20 years until she moved!). We're not as close as we were and I can take her in very small doses these days, but we still really look forward to seeing each other and get quite emotional - until we've spent more than a day or two together then I remember why she winds me up lol.


Jx

pollypenny

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Well - at least I had the counterpoint yesterday of a very long conversation with someone that one would have expected to have a pretty narrow view of life at first thoughts.

But - very far from it. Someone who has just lived in the same area all their lives/barely been out of it/etc - but a very well-informed/wide-ranging broad mind. No "agreeing to differ" there. They were someone that clearly reads all viewpoints/thinks about all viewpoints and then forms their own opinions.

Quite amusing on the timing of that - as that's the sort of person imo one rarely comes across.:)

You see, ironically that's your narrow-minded view, to expect someone who has not travelled to have a limited view.

Think back to the early 20th century, maybe before. People who lived and grafted in isolated areas had the foresight to set up workers' institutes, the WEA and other bodies fir both education and support.

Drama societies, bands and choirs proliferated before TV took over lives.

moneyistooshorttomention

No actually - that was their own description of themselves - which I rather disagreed with by the end of the conversation. So - taking the worst possible view of me wasnt justified:)

I'm rather hoping to bump into them again actually.

Fingers crossed re another evening out again tonight with a promising new friend - the one that I have "Major Respect" for for her fair-mindedness after she'd told me about one incident in her life.

Hopefully I'll find someone yet nearer to hand than my Best Friend (back in home area). I've learnt a lot from her way of handling things. She never preaches/never b*tches - just asks me a lot of questions about what I think about things and then tells me she loves me anyway. Quite a standard to match up to...

pollypenny

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

No actually - that was their own description of themselves - which I rather disagreed with by the end of the conversation. So - taking the worst possible view of me wasnt justified:)

I'm rather hoping to bump into them again actually.

Her being modest, then.

marisco_2

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Is this friendship salvageable

Do you really want it to be? I would find someone who rolls their eyes and is unable to accept that others have differing views to them beyond tedious.

FreddieFrugal

I don't think I'd be inclined to maintain a relationship with someone who had opposing views on issues that were really important to me.

That's not the same as disagreeing on some things, or having differences of opinion.

But if it was for instance that someone was strongly homophobic/racist/sexists bigoted in any way.

My best friend was very strongly atheist and loud about it. I, while no longer going to church or really considering myself religious, still had Christian sympathies and I'm generally very accepting of different faiths/religions.

So obviously that was quite a big difference in opinion but not enough to cause issues, just led to lots of debate.


I think eventually he started to come around to the idea of just accepting that it was ok for people to have a faith, just as it was ok for him not to. People that go around trying to tell each other that their beliefs are wrong are just as bad as one another.



With the 'Brexit' (I really hate that lexical abomination) I wouldn't mind if someone had voted differently to me so long as they'd made that decision based on understandable reasons.

Like others have said - if it was just all the 'I want my country back' or idiotic immigrant bashing then I would not be interested in continuing that relationship.

jamiehelsinki

I voted remain but you had every right to vote for brexit and have no reason to justify your reasons to anyone.

Its called democracy and the majority vote wins!

moneyistooshorttomention

Absolutely - its called democracy as you say. Hence I dont understand all the kerfuffle that has been/is being created about the result. If the vote had gone the other way I would have thought "Darn it. Grrr. Oh dear - agh!" and then shrugged and thought "What can ya do? It's a democracy and I was in the minority. Darn".

Religion - I couldnt give two hoots what anyone is or isnt basically. But with one Christian parent and one atheist parent - then I just accepted people of differing ideas on that living together and they both left me to decide for myself (rather than one of them pushing their views). They both expressed their views to me - which I thought was fair enough - and then left it at that. Hence I simply don't see why anyone would fall out about religion or the lack of.

Homophobic? I couldnt care less what people are basically. It makes no difference to my life - so why would I?

The things where I do state my opinion clearly is if the "other opinion" (whatever it is) is going to influence my own life personally for the worse in some way or other somewhere along the line. I think it's understandable if someone states a view/complains about something that is going to make their own life worse than it otherwise would be at some point. So - yep overpopulation/extreme religious views/nationalism/damage to environment - and I will say something because those are things that impact/will impact on my own life. But the rest = shrugs.

There was the angle when I was still working age that I would "dig heels in" and make it plain it wasnt going to happen if anyone thought I would go beneath a certain salary level/work conditions and they would be quite clear what I thought about that LOL. But now I'm retired - and safe from any question of being told "Right its NMW income/antisocial hours/etc/etc for you mate" - so those (heated LOL) conversations dont happen any longer thank goodness.

Person_one

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Homophobic? I couldnt care less what people are basically. It makes no difference to my life - so why would I?

But...didn't you say not that long ago that you'd be upset and insulted if anybody mistakenly thought you were gay?

moneyistooshorttomention

I think this is the thing all round. Those differing views boil down (as far as I can make out) between us to:

Me - Brexit. Her - remain.
Me - slightly more "straitlaced" about what public behaviour is acceptable or not
Me - British. Her - rather supportive to nationalism.
Me - my own particular beliefs. Her atheist (that difference is no big deal to either of us I think)

I've learnt it's no good expecting agreement/sympathetic comments about the first three points from her and have just said "We'll have to agree to differ on those points then" and make a phonecall back to friends back in home area for any agreement/support there. Both of us will just have to keep those 3 topics out of the conversation. But then found her saying she's "shocked" and rolling eyes about my viewpoints and saying I'm wrong:huh:. I'm not saying I'm "shocked"/rolling eyes/saying she's wrong to her about her viewpoints - so don't see why I'm getting it from her about mine - I'm just saying that I don't agree/think differently.