Worth trying to stay friends with someone so completely different?

moneyistooshorttomention

As in - my best friend lives back in my home area and we have been friends for many years now. There are differences of outlook/opinion - but, by and large, we share a very similar outlook on life and share a lot of the same opinions. We know we can rely on each other being supportive and giving what help/support we can manage.

...and then I moved across country and have had to make new friends. With variable experiences. The person I thought of as "best friend I've made here" and I have been supporting each other/helping each other adapt to living in a new area/etc and I feel I've been very supportive over quite a period of time about a particular stressful situation that they had in their lives for some time. That situation no longer applies for them.

But I'm finding we seem to have different outlooks/opinions on absolutely everything under the sun. Well they say "variety is the spice of life" and I thought "Maybe it's good for both of us to know someone so different to ourselves - might be a learning experience for both of us".

....and then the criticism and rolling eyes started. Apparently, according to her, a noticeable number of my views are "shocking". Errrm...no.....they aren't...they are perfectly standard viewpoints that a lot of people share and, whilst she may not agree with them, there is certainly nothing wrong with them. To show how ordinary and common these differing viewpoints are I'm for Brexit and she's against it and is "shocked" by that:cool:. Errr...no...I've got another new friend here that we duly swopped views about this back at the time and we both just shrugged and said "Never mind" and went on to make our next social arrangement together and nothing further was said about it.

It's upsetting me rather to have my personal viewpoints called "shocking" like this. I use the word "shocking/I am shocked" only about things that actually are shocking - eg ill treatment of animals or the NHS refusing to give someone medical treatment they need. But I wouldn't dream of calling her personal viewpoints "shocking" and telling her they are "wrong". I just accept she thinks differently to me - and shrug.

I'm strong enough to think "Oh...that's just her" and, at the moment, I'm waiting it out seeing if these sorts of comments stop on the one hand. Or wondering whether I should tell her that I don't appreciate the eye-rolling and comments about being "shocked" on the other hand, as that's not appropriate.

Is this friendship salvageable or should I find a way (is it possible?) to get her to stop condemning me for doing nothing wrong? Maybe it's only gone on so long - because she liked me being supportive to her in the Situation Now Ended and was (wrongly) assuming I had the same personal opinions as her?

elsien

You've said you're supportive to them. You've said about the rolling eyes. What you haven't said is what you get out of the relationship.
Because if you're getting very little, then what's the point of carrying on with it?

BrassicWoman

I think you may be viewing this simplisitically?

Being for Brexit is not shocking unless your underlying reasons are unsavoury. So perhaps it runs deeper than just that. A blanket "send em back where they came from" attitude is indeed one I would find shocking and I'd immediately cut off all contact with a racist former friend. "I disagree with the legislative framework" would be a very different matter.

So maybe you need to dig deeper to find out what the real difference is?

moneyistooshorttomention

What I've been getting out of it?

- someone to come along with me to some social events (though I have now discovered that one of the plus sides of this area, compared to my own area, is that no-one blinks an eyelash about someone going to a social event on their own). I've found it's perfectly possible to go to the cinema/music events/etc on one's own - and find plenty of other people that also are and no-one seems to care.

- someone that has helped me (or, to be more accurate, their husband has helped me) with practical type things I can't manage myself (ie with no car/no DIY skills/etc).

- to start with - I felt we were sharing our thoughts/anecdotes together about living in this new area and it was someone else who has also come over from the same part of the country. Then we started diverging on that - and she's learning the language/saying "It's their country and things should be their way" (NB: We are British too...ie English in both cases). So - I keep my mouth shut on that now and think "You do it your way and regard yourself as a foreigner - and I'll do it my way and won't/each to their own".

Primrose

I think there are differences in friendships where people have different views yet can still enjoy hobbies or pleasures in common and those who feel that their friends must be mirror images of themselves in every respect.

I have friends who have different political views on all kinds of issues. We politely agree to disagree on those areas, respect each others' right to hold those views and continue to enjoy the things we do have in common. Sometimes it's good to have a reasoned debate if this helps you to learn and understand another,s point of view. Family background and upbringing influences a lot of views so people are not necessarily bigoted simply because they have had a specific upbringing and have had no chance of exposure to other outlooks.

If the overall tone of the friendship is becoming less pleasant as a result of your not being able to disagree politely then maybe you should start distancing yourself.

moneyistooshorttomention

I think this is the thing. I hoped she would be more similar to me - but shrug and accept she isn't. Never mind - I can ring best friend back at home anytime I want a good chance of someone agreeing with me/having the same viewpoints. There is another friend back there that shares a pretty wide range of views etc there - so I can ring her too. So I can get the emotional support/back-up I'd like - if at the end of a phoneline and on the occasional trip either way. I'm gradually making other friends here - so who knows? So - there's one new one that is pretty un-alike to me - but we have a giggle together. Another one that came out with a most unusual viewpoint (from what I can see) for a woman in our agegroup (or younger) and I'm thinking "Major respect to you for being so fair-minded" - so that could be promising.

To me - it looks as if friend concerned took it I was her "mirror image" if you like and has been steadily finding out we have different views and deciding to be "shocked"/roll eyes - rather than just accepting that "That's how the cookie crumbles". That phrase from the old poem about "Jack sprat could eat no lean - but his wife etc" or however it goes. Between the two - the whole animal was eaten - so what did it matter who had which bit iyswim?

I am wondering if there is an element of jealousy on her part - though she's married (and I'm single) and, if she'd made different financial decisions etc - she'd have a husband I never managed to find and be quite a bit better off than I am. But it feels like she's jealous of me (single and low income - despite, I feel, making pretty much the best financial decisions I could). The past is the past and, whatever decisions or good luck (?) at finding a husband did or didnt happen in the past - well it's the past...

justme111

Eye rolling is just a habit and "shocking" can be just a throw away remark. If it upsets you may just spend less time together, no need to be dramatic about it , life is not black and white (friends/not friends); there are infinite other shades

moneyistooshorttomention

I don't do throwaway remarks - so I guess I assume others don't either.

Sounds like it might be worth just making a one-off comment about what the word "shocking" actually means and when I would use it personally and I'd prefer it not to be used for just describing a different viewpoint to her own - as I find it upsetting to have it used wrongly like that. It's hurtful to be lumped in with people that beat up animals or refuse medical treatment to someone needing it.

heartbreak_star

One of my friends is a staunch Brexiter, and I had to think very carefully about going forwards with the friendship when I mentioned that my workplace had lost a lot of funding and she said she didn't care and we'd just have to get it from somewhere else...

It felt as if she didn't care whether I had a job I like that is doing some good in the world.

I am unhappy when I hear some of my friends voted Brexit, but it's their vote - and it was more the hurtful comments as to why that were the issue.

Has something like this happened? Does Brexit affect her closely?

Good luck whatever happens

HBS x

flora48

Whilst I try really hard to maintain friendships I have found some have bitten the dust due changes in circumstance, distance, marital status, employment and so on.

Once the common ground changes so does the friendship, some people could not accept the changes in my life and just faded away, others remain as strong as ever.

Friends come in and out of our lives, the real ones will stay

selement

If my good friend voted for Brexit I would tell them I was a bit shocked unless I knew they read The Sun or Daily Mail or something. I would then explain to them my reasons why. Saying it's shocking but not explaining why isn't very helpful to you

Next time she does the eye rolling or says your opinion is shocking then yes call her out on it and ask why and point out you are allowed to have different opinions