Worth trying to stay friends with someone so completely different?

Person_one

You don't have to be friends with anybody you don't really like all that much or whose company you aren't enjoying.

However, um, I've certainly found your views shocking at times on this forum, others have too. Maybe they are in real life sometimes as well?

ripplyuk

Saying things like 'shocking' can be everything from humorous to deliberately hurtful. None of us were there so we can't judge the context. Rolling eyes would annoy me.

Either way, she clearly doesn't make you feel good. I think you should tell her how you feel and if nothing changes, avoid her.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

What I've been getting out of it?

- someone to come along with me to some social events (though I have now discovered that one of the plus sides of this area, compared to my own area, is that no-one blinks an eyelash about someone going to a social event on their own). I've found it's perfectly possible to go to the cinema/music events/etc on one's own - and find plenty of other people that also are and no-one seems to care.

- someone that has helped me (or, to be more accurate, their husband has helped me) with practical type things I can't manage myself (ie with no car/no DIY skills/etc).

- to start with - I felt we were sharing our thoughts/anecdotes together about living in this new area and it was someone else who has also come over from the same part of the country. Then we started diverging on that - and she's learning the language/saying "It's their country and things should be their way" (NB: We are British too...ie English in both cases). So - I keep my mouth shut on that now and think "You do it your way and regard yourself as a foreigner - and I'll do it my way and won't/each to their own".

What's wrong with somebody choosing to learn the language of the country they have moved to?

moneyistooshorttomention

heartbreak_star wrote: »

One of my friends is a staunch Brexiter, and I had to think very carefully about going forwards with the friendship when I mentioned that my workplace had lost a lot of funding and she said she didn't care and we'd just have to get it from somewhere else...

It felt as if she didn't care whether I had a job I like that is doing some good in the world.

I am unhappy when I hear some of my friends voted Brexit, but it's their vote - and it was more the hurtful comments as to why that were the issue.

Has something like this happened? Does Brexit affect her closely?

Good luck whatever happens

HBS x

No - she's retired. There's no personal impact on her or her husband. Her adult children are doing well anyway - one of them a downright high flyer - and I doubt it will affect them.

If someone had told me there would/might be a personal impact on them of Brexit - then I would have just kept silent or made some sympathetic comment about hoping they could get funding from elsewhere. I certainly wouldnt have said that I didnt care and think she was being rather tactless there.

moneyistooshorttomention

selement wrote: »

If my good friend voted for Brexit I would tell them I was a bit shocked unless I knew they read The Sun or Daily Mail or something. I would then explain to them my reasons why. Saying it's shocking but not explaining why isn't very helpful to you

Next time she does the eye rolling or says your opinion is shocking then yes call her out on it and ask why and point out you are allowed to have different opinions

I think my newspaper reading is balanced - I read two newspapers - yep...the Daily Mail. But I also read The Guardian. I figure I'm quite capable of making up my own mind - rather than having it made up for me.

I am definitely inclining to call her out on it as you put it. A personal opinion cant be shocking by definition - unless its something extreme (such as Nazi opinions in 1930s Germany or the like) or the ideas about treating women as lesser beings that are there in some places in the world.

tea_lover

Of course a personal opinion can be shocking - I find your refusal to believe otherwise downright strange.

pollypenny

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

- to start with - I felt we were sharing our thoughts/anecdotes together about living in this new area and it was someone else who has also come over from the same part of the country. Then we started diverging on that - and she's learning the language/saying "It's their country and things should be their way" (NB: We are British too...ie English in both cases). So - I keep my mouth shut on that now and think "You do it your way and regard yourself as a foreigner - and I'll do it my way and won't/each to their own".

Money, rightly or wrongly, I found your early posts on moving to Wales to be somewhat patronising. And a touch of the 'Linda Snells'. We do get them here in North Wales, too. Moved for work or downsizing to a cheaper property.

To not understand that Wales is a country, with some ways that you might different is just rude. And good on your friend for respect to the language.

Brexit is another issue. I am shocked that Flintshire voted out. Now Vauxhall is at risk - our travel to work area! God help Airbus!

silvercar

If you are only friendly with people that share your views then you only have a narrow view of the world, expand your mind and listen to others. It also gives you an opportunity to influence others.

When I joined twitter I deliberately followed some commentators who I disagreed with. I have changed my views on a couple of topics as a result. When I look at my facebook feed, it is full of friends repeating the same points over and over again, each reinforcing that that they are right.

seven-day-weekend

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

As in - my best friend lives back in my home area and we have been friends for many years now. There are differences of outlook/opinion - but, by and large, we share a very similar outlook on life and share a lot of the same opinions. We know we can rely on each other being supportive and giving what help/support we can manage.

...and then I moved across country and have had to make new friends. With variable experiences. The person I thought of as "best friend I've made here" and I have been supporting each other/helping each other adapt to living in a new area/etc and I feel I've been very supportive over quite a period of time about a particular stressful situation that they had in their lives for some time. That situation no longer applies for them.

But I'm finding we seem to have different outlooks/opinions on absolutely everything under the sun. Well they say "variety is the spice of life" and I thought "Maybe it's good for both of us to know someone so different to ourselves - might be a learning experience for both of us".

....and then the criticism and rolling eyes started. Apparently, according to her, a noticeable number of my views are "shocking". Errrm...no.....they aren't...they are perfectly standard viewpoints that a lot of people share and, whilst she may not agree with them, there is certainly nothing wrong with them. To show how ordinary and common these differing viewpoints are I'm for Brexit and she's against it and is "shocked" by that:cool:. Errr...no...I've got another new friend here that we duly swopped views about this back at the time and we both just shrugged and said "Never mind" and went on to make our next social arrangement together and nothing further was said about it.

It's upsetting me rather to have my personal viewpoints called "shocking" like this. I use the word "shocking/I am shocked" only about things that actually are shocking - eg ill treatment of animals or the NHS refusing to give someone medical treatment they need. But I wouldn't dream of calling her personal viewpoints "shocking" and telling her they are "wrong". I just accept she thinks differently to me - and shrug.

I'm strong enough to think "Oh...that's just her" and, at the moment, I'm waiting it out seeing if these sorts of comments stop on the one hand. Or wondering whether I should tell her that I don't appreciate the eye-rolling and comments about being "shocked" on the other hand, as that's not appropriate.

Is this friendship salvageable or should I find a way (is it possible?) to get her to stop condemning me for doing nothing wrong? Maybe it's only gone on so long - because she liked me being supportive to her in the Situation Now Ended and was (wrongly) assuming I had the same personal opinions as her?

I have lost a friend because I voted Conservative and several members of my family became cool towards me when I became a Christian.. Their choice, not mine. Some people have no respect for another's viewpoint (usually those who bang on about 'hate').

I personally would leave the ball in her court but do say that you would like to agree to differ on those things that she calls you names about. Her reaction will decide what happens about the friendship.

ETA : I agree with her though about being a guest in someone else's country. I was well aware of that when I lived in Spain, and tried to do as the villagers I lived with would have liked, tried to learn the language and respected their customs. I feel the same when I'm in Snowdonia at my static caravan. I try to respect this the ways of this beautiful land and would be supportive of any Welsh decisions that were made by Wales about Wales. When in Rome, etc.

beedeedee

I have a friend whose political and financial views are diametrically opposed to mine - but Ive never told her and she hasn't a clue because she is so convinced that nobody else could have a different view to hers! I simply bite my tongue, because that's just the way she is.
We are still friends because we chat instead about music, holidays, homes, family and all sorts of other things....and we enjoy each others company and have such good laughs together.