Worth trying to stay friends with someone so completely different?

Tammykitty

I am from Northern Ireland, and if I fell out with everyone who had a different opinion than me, I would have no friends left!


I have friends from all sides of NI politics, from the extreme fringe parties, to the "mainstream" nationalist and unionist parties, and the "neutral" parties, and those who have no interest in politics.


Even if I seriously disagree with a friends politics, I recognize, that most of the time, someone's politics are a result of how they have been brought up, the area they live in etc, I believe that few people in NI, actually actively think about who they vote for - they vote the way their community teaches them to vote, the only decision is which nationalist or which unionist party.


Politics are a very divisive subject, and the UK is a democracy, and the Brexit referendum was quite close, approx. 50% of the county for and against it - each viewpoint equally valid.
Just agree to disagree about it, and don't discuss it again.

hazyjo

When I grew up, I don't remember political conversations and I wouldn't have had a clue how my friends voted. I hate the way that Brexit/today's politics has divided people. Half of my friends voted in, the other half out. I too voted for Brexit, despite it causing a bit of bad feeling between me and my mum. I have seen countless rows on FB and the like. It's ridiculous to say one is right and the other is wrong. We all have different opinions and, like you, I am happy to just say 'whatever' and let them all get on with it...


I'd probably keep her as a companion rather than a friend and do things that require as little talking as possible! Cinema, theatre, etc. Okay, you can go on your own, but it's nice to go with someone - even if it's just to make a comment about the film after seeing it. Hard on your own lol.


Jx

ognum

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

As in - my best friend lives back in my home area and we have been friends for many years now. There are differences of outlook/opinion - but, by and large, we share a very similar outlook on life and share a lot of the same opinions. We know we can rely on each other being supportive and giving what help/support we can manage.

...and then I moved across country and have had to make new friends. With variable experiences. The person I thought of as "best friend I've made here" and I have been supporting each other/helping each other adapt to living in a new area/etc and I feel I've been very supportive over quite a period of time about a particular stressful situation that they had in their lives for some time. That situation no longer applies for them.

But I'm finding we seem to have different outlooks/opinions on absolutely everything under the sun. Well they say "variety is the spice of life" and I thought "Maybe it's good for both of us to know someone so different to ourselves - might be a learning experience for both of us".

....and then the criticism and rolling eyes started. Apparently, according to her, a noticeable number of my views are "shocking". Errrm...no.....they aren't...they are perfectly standard viewpoints that a lot of people share and, whilst she may not agree with them, there is certainly nothing wrong with them. To show how ordinary and common these differing viewpoints are I'm for Brexit and she's against it and is "shocked" by that:cool:. Errr...no...I've got another new friend here that we duly swopped views about this back at the time and we both just shrugged and said "Never mind" and went on to make our next social arrangement together and nothing further was said about it.

It's upsetting me rather to have my personal viewpoints called "shocking" like this. I use the word "shocking/I am shocked" only about things that actually are shocking - eg ill treatment of animals or the NHS refusing to give someone medical treatment they need. But I wouldn't dream of calling her personal viewpoints "shocking" and telling her they are "wrong". I just accept she thinks differently to me - and shrug.

I'm strong enough to think "Oh...that's just her" and, at the moment, I'm waiting it out seeing if these sorts of comments stop on the one hand. Or wondering whether I should tell her that I don't appreciate the eye-rolling and comments about being "shocked" on the other hand, as that's not appropriate.

Is this friendship salvageable or should I find a way (is it possible?) to get her to stop condemning me for doing nothing wrong? Maybe it's only gone on so long - because she liked me being supportive to her in the Situation Now Ended and was (wrongly) assuming I had the same personal opinions as her?

I think you are overthinking this, friendship is a mutual understanding between two people, sometimes the most unusual friendships exist between complete opposites.

I don't think you should try to adjust her opinions, either you both enjoy each other's company or it will all fall away naturally.

Don't try to push life along, wait and see how things develop.

annandale

Why do people need to have the same opinions as one another to be friends?

seven-day-weekend

annandale wrote: »

Why do people need to have the same opinions as one another to be friends?

They don't.....but they should not be insulting over the other one's views either. Just agree to differ.

I have a friend who is an observant Orthodox Jew, I am a Christian. Although I think some of her ways and customs are barmy, I keep this opinion to myself and just respect that they are her views and customs which she is perfectly entitled to hold. They do no-one any harm. I'm sure she feels the same way about some of my beliefs and customs. We respect each other's views, and we do discuss them because it makes for understanding.

moneyistooshorttomention

Well - at least I had the counterpoint yesterday of a very long conversation with someone that one would have expected to have a pretty narrow view of life at first thoughts.

But - very far from it. Someone who has just lived in the same area all their lives/barely been out of it/etc - but a very well-informed/wide-ranging broad mind. No "agreeing to differ" there. They were someone that clearly reads all viewpoints/thinks about all viewpoints and then forms their own opinions.

Quite amusing on the timing of that - as that's the sort of person imo one rarely comes across.:)

onlyroz

I have dropped friends due to their political views (e.g. somebody who kept sharing Britain First posts on Facebook) but they'd have to be pretty extreme. In general I try to bite my tongue when religion/politics comes up, unless the other person indicates that they *want* to debate the subject.


I have and do struggle with my mum's views on Brexit. Since she moved to the South of England she seems to have become extremely conservative and right-wing - although she denies this. When she starts talking about immigrants, and about "sovereignty" I do my best to keep my mouth clamped shut. One time my husband had to leave the room when she began gloating about her stock-market gains since the Brexit vote - his workplace has already started making people redundant, and going forward will struggle to find alternative sources of funding once the EU well dries up.

heartbreak_star

onlyroz wrote: »

I have and do struggle with my mum's views on Brexit. Since she moved to the South of England she seems to have become extremely conservative and right-wing - although she denies this. When she starts talking about immigrants, and about "sovereignty" I do my best to keep my mouth clamped shut. One time my husband had to leave the room when she began gloating about her stock-market gains since the Brexit vote - his workplace has already started making people redundant, and going forward will struggle to find alternative sources of funding once the EU well dries up.

I've seen a fair bit of this as well, and I can sympathise with your husband as we're in the same boat with my workplace.

I hope it works out OK for him!

HBS x

[Deleted User]

I think there is a huge difference between a toxic friend and a friend you dont have too much in common with.

A toxic friend who constantly undermines and criticises your viewpoints needs binning off. If you stop enjoying time with someone its time to say your goodbyes.

A true friend is someone you can share many differences of opinion and each viewpoint is respected even though they may not be ther own.

I have a very good / close friend who I have wondered about many times in that we actually have very little in common now despite having been friends for 40 years. She can be dominant and a bit 'preachy' if I say something she doesnt agree with but she would be horrfied / upset if I told her how it made me feel. Ultimately I know she will always be there for me through thick and thin and I for her. We dont see each other as much as we used to as we live in different parts of the country and I sometimes have felt at the bottom of the pack for social times but as an adult I realise that in reality we are so comfortable that neither has to make such an effort as you do with newer friendships.

If I met her now I'm not sure we'd be friends but as it stands our lifelong shared history binds us together.

Fireflyaway

Friends are to share enjoyable times. If you feel uncomfortable around her or feel you need to justify yourself or think twice before arranging to meet, I'd drop her. Nicely of course. There is enough stress in life without having to deal with someone awkward. People change and of course people with different opinions can be friends but when they disrespect your views or force theirs on you that's not what a true friend would do.