Feel guilty I couldn't provide everything for my (immigrant from USA) spouse

surveyqueenuk

Adultery. That's why you split. Not because of British attitudes towards immigrants, not because you didn't earn enough money but because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

It is obvious that you are looking for something to blame here. The only person to blame is him. You definitely need to get closure on this issue but this isn't the way to find it.

System

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Adultery. That's why you split. Not because of British attitudes towards immigrants, not because you didn't earn enough money but because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

have i missed something?

Hermia

Judi wrote: »

have i missed something?

I think the OP has posted other threads about the split so I assume there is more info about their spouse's behaviour in them.

McAnniee

^^ I have posted another thread about the details of the divorce process. Adultery is the grounds for divorce but it's not a case of "couldn't keep it in his pants" and is more complex with fault on both sides!

Edited to add: am I seeking closure, maybe yes. I want to understand where I've gone wrong in this long standing situation, not so I can fix it in the future (as hopefully it won't come up again?!) but because it's something that has been on my mind since the splitting up process started and I don't know how to process it.

Hermia

McAnniee wrote: »

^^ I have posted another thread about the details of the divorce process. Adultery is the grounds for divorce but it's not a case of "couldn't keep it in his pants" and is more complex with fault on both sides!

Edited to add: am I seeking closure, maybe yes. I want to understand where I've gone wrong in this long standing situation, not so I can fix it in the future (as hopefully it won't come up again?!) but because it's something that has been on my mind since the splitting up process started and I don't know how to process it.

I think that is a good thing to do and no doubt a useful thing to do at the end of any relationship. You do sound like you are taking an awful lot of the responsibility/blame though. You do sound like you maybe enabled him a bit, but he allowed himself to be enabled too. Imagine if you had been the one to go to the USA. Would you have expected to be financially supported for ever? Would you have expected him to do everything for you? Would you have not gone out there and tried to make friends and learn the culture? Or gone to a local college to give yourself more options in the job market? Would you have blamed him if you hadn't made any effort to change things? Yes, going to another country is hard, but you still have to make an effort. It sounds like he spent a lot of time moaning about the boss/job/people and not doing anything about it.

meer53

I'm really confused by this post. I work with people from many countries around the world.some in basic entry level jobs, some are in higher management jobs. One particular top manager came directly into their job from the USA, the comment about not being able to get anything other than basic entry level jobs is ridiculous. Reading between the lines, for 17 years the OP's partner has not been doing very much to make the most of their skills. Maybe they didn't want to ?

System

The grounds for divorce is 'adultery' but it's actually a natural moving on with another partner. I can't continue in a marriage with this person if they are committed to someone else as they've clearly expressed to me (but I understand the reasons).

So its adultery then.

McAnniee

Hermia wrote: »

Imagine if you had been the one to go to the USA. Would you have expected to be financially supported for ever? Would you have expected him to do everything for you? Would you have not gone out there and tried to make friends and learn the culture? Or gone to a local college to give yourself more options in the job market? Would you have blamed him if you hadn't made any effort to change things? Yes, going to another country is hard, but you still have to make an effort. It sounds like he spent a lot of time moaning about the boss/job/people and not doing anything about it.

Me moving to America was the original plan, and then we talked about going back there later (after several years of living here in the UK) But I convinced him to move/stay here as I was more advanced career-wise and so on and it was me driving it at that point. But if somehow thrown into having to live in the US then yes I would have sought out opportunities and so on.

To be fair he didn't "moan" about bosses etc per se but it was obvious to me that these were crappy jobs that engendered the opposite of job satisfaction, security, achievement etc. He had got jobs because he had to (or because I said so?? I don't know any more) and quit the last one when it was too much and from what I heard about what went on there, anyone with options (even if the option was living off someone else at that point) would have left, it was that bad.

I feel like I've been the bully in all this and just to be clear, I haven't been "gaslighted" into thinking that in any way. I just feel responsible for creating the situation.

McAnniee

Judi wrote: »

So its adultery then.

Yes, but a previous poster characterised it as "couldn't keep it in his pants" and I don't think that was a fair assessment. But yes the grounds are genuinely adultery in terms of leaving for another partner.

McAnniee

LilElvis wrote: »

What does it matter now if your ex doesn't have a high-flying career? If they were that dissatisfied then you could have discussed it and moved to the States 5, 10 or 15 years ago. Not everyone is cut out to have a "career", graduate or not. Their life can't be that bad here if they have chosen to stay and enter another long-term relationship. Either way it's not your problem anymore.

Because the new LTR is back in the States.

And I am left wondering whether I "should" have done more?