Feeling pretty desperate

esmy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

And an hour in the bath (lock the door - if Daddy suddenly becomes incontinent when you're in there, he can use a bucket - it'll help him get with the potty training program in six months' time) with a gin & tonic whilst Daddy deals with the latest toddlerisms is very good for the soul.

I was going to recommend just this. I had one night a week 'off duty' when mine were small, Dad eventually got the message that he was in charge as if I were out of the house. I am quite certain that it kept me relatively sane through the toddler years.

Oh, and re dogs, after I found child on one end of a length of spaghetti and dog on the other, he was allowed in after feeding to hoover up (which saved me a job.)

Savvy_Sue

Money_maker wrote: »

The book 'toddler taming' was very helpful when my boys were small

Toddler Taming, Christopher Green, simply The Best Book on toddlers ever written.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Toddlers are, whatever their start in life, rampaging, contrary, ungrateful, stubborn and generally hard work. It's part of their job description - and if they didn't get the memo and were lovely at 18 months, they tend to become hard work at age 3 or 4 instead.

:rotfl:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You're amazing. Your daughter doesn't know that. But I'm willing to bet everybody else does.

Absolutely. And if you cannot quite get yourself to believe that, then repeat after me, daily, "I am doing a good job. I am doing a good job."

System

Wouldnt swap roles with you OP for all the tea in China. I only went into the bathroom for 5 minutes to wash my hair.:mad:

I'm feeding the dogs for you Nanny my 3 year old Grandson said.



It was even in the dogs water bowl.:D

ps it will get better in time.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Judi wrote: »

Wouldnt swap roles with you OP for all the tea in China. I only went into the bathroom for 5 minutes to wash my hair.:mad:

I'm feeding the dogs for you Nanny my 3 year old Grandson said.



It was even in the dogs water bowl.:D

ps it will get better in time.

Offspring #2 at slightly younger was sat down on the floor with the dog, tucking in. _pale_

I must say that her hair was particularly sleek and shiny after her sneaky supper, although her breath was quite unpleasantly beefy.

And all I did was dare to want to have a quick poo uninterrupted.

EdwardB

picklekin wrote: »

Hi all,
Some may remember me from my journey to try to have a baby of my own. I have since (5 months ago approx) adopted a little girl who is now about a year and a half.

I'm currently staying home to look after her and feel I'm falling so badly.

This is your perception but you are probably doing fine, the simple fact that you are reaching out for help shows you want to be the best you can be for her,

picklekin wrote: »

Everyone who sees her says what a happy little child she is, but she rarely seems to be when it's just us. She seems to want everything she can't have, her toys are untouched. You put a cup of coffee down for one second and she makes a bee line.

They say children need structure and it is true, she needs to know when is Me time and when her Your time, tell her as you go through the day. When it her time give her some control but not too many choices. No open questions, so not "What would you like to do/play", would you like to draw, to play with your dolls or to watch a video? Try to get down to her level, otherwise you are always talking down to her. More than anything you need to structure work, rest and play, just like with adults but after shorter time. Make sure you are getting enough sleep but also make sure she has naps in the day, once children get too tired they try to keep going despite needing sleep, if they have gone too far they resist. Make sure she knows what is coming. I had a disabled child and many of the techniques I learned for them help other children. Using visual things, timetables, ticking things when done, making sure she always knows what is coming next, praising at every opportunity. Also the promise of praise "Daddy will be really pleased with you if ..." Making sure Daddy has been prepped to say how pleased he is that she did...

picklekin wrote: »

She cries all the time as I can't let her have these things.

If she has learnt (from you or others) that crying works then she will do it, always speak softly to her and explain WHY she can't have something, make it related to her, so not "no you can't have that because it is dangerous" but "no darling, that can hurt/burn you". Speak in short sentences, be gentle all the time.

picklekin wrote: »

I've made the house as safe as possible, but seems she always finds SOMETHING she shouldn't have. She throws the food I make on the floor. I feel like I'm getting to breaking point.

You can only do so much to make a house safe, it is also a learning experience for you. Give her very little food at a time until you know she likes it, if she does something wrong like that, show her with emotion, a sort of pretend crying rather than getting angry.

picklekin wrote: »

I've called family and just get the laughing response of "well that's children for you" (followed by endless anicdotes of things their children do or I did when I was a child) I've called the doctor (when I can get through) and he's put me on some antidepressants which don't seem to really work, (I couldn't get through again last week and had to just put in a repeat request hoping he'd call me but he just filled the prescription).

Anti-depressents take at least 8 weeks to START to help, but most SSRI have a short term side effect of increasing anxiety which is a factor in depression itself. Just know it will pass as will your need for them.

The hardest thing is you missed out on the time between birth and now, so you both have some catching up to do.

picklekin wrote: »

I've tried making friends through groups to talk to, but they already HAVE friends, ones they went through anti natal groups etc with). People are polite, but no one I can open up to.

As you say, making friends takes time and shared experiences for trust to develop so it becomes close. I would invite them over two or three at a time, give each other some mutual respite, have their child for a few hours which gives yours a playmate and let them have yours for a few hours.

picklekin wrote: »

I just feel so alone and so lost, I'm worried I'm doing everything wrong. I even shouted a bit at her earlier for crying....

Shouting is a sure sign that you feel you have lost control, but it will make things worse. There is a time you need to be firm but treat a child like an adult, it is not acceptable to shout at adults and it rarely gets you what you want, it is the same for kids. Of course it will happen, just wait for the first time she puts herself in danger and you have the fright of your life.

Take it from me and all the others that have posted, you are not doing anything wrong, other than perhaps expecting you will do everything right or that you must do everything right, This child is another person, they have their own feelings, wants, ideas and all the things we all have, it is just that she is too tiny to have the skills to manage them all. Your role is to be her guide, she has this wonderful world to explore and can't wait but it must be done in small doses.

So two things in the short term, more networking, invite 2 to 3 at a time so you get to know them well and help each other out. You are not alone and you are doing the most important thing, you CARE, not just for her but about making sure you are doing enough, you ARE.

Oakdene

picklekin wrote: »

Yup, do all that, but then the group ends and we go our seperate ways. My OH says I should ask if anyone wants to go for a coffee... But I think I'd look like a crazy person. Besides most women are usually in groups of friends.

I don't think you'd look crazy. I would have loved someone to say that to me when I was taking my daughter to playgroup.

Why not ask one of the parents if they'd like to have a play date?

trailingspouse

Kids - who'd 'ave 'em? I know it isn't helpful to be told what other people's children did at this age, but I think they are only trying to tell you that what she is doing is normal. Hard work, irritating, frustrating - but normal.

As to the food - for a little while, stop spending so much time making it. She doesn't know and doesn't care that you have invested a lot of time and effort into making something highly nutritious for her - but when she throws it on the floor you understandably take it as a personal insult. It feels like she's throwing your love back in your face (which she isn't, but it feels like it). So give her easy-to-prepare food - baby jars, fish fingers, squares of cheese. It matters so much less if they are thrown on to the floor, which in turn will make mealtimes so much less fraught. Or do what the old folks did and take her on your knee and feed her a little bit off your own plate.

Also, I suspect that children don't need as much food as we think they do - there are a lot of obese children around, who are obviously being given more food than they really need. So if she doesn't want to eat, try (try!!) not to fret about it (but equally don't give in to demands for snacks in between - say 'it'll be teatime soon' and distract her with something else).

She's had a rough start in life, but she's heading in the right direction now, and that's entirely down to you and your OH. Give each other a hug.

ani*fan

Meepmeep wrote: »

Hi. It's quite common to find children who have been adopted to display greater levels of challenging behaviour than other children. I can't comment on whether or not this is true in your case )or is just typical child behaviour). But I've worked in looked after children services and mostly children are removed from birth families because of high levels of neglect and abuse. Again this may not be the case for your child, but if it is then often the result is that a child, even a very young one suffers as a result. This can be at the neurobiological level as well. Things don't always turn around easily and many people require some professional support in doing so. Unfortunately my experience of the NHS is such that services have been cut so much that support for adoptive parents is non existent and one can only access specialist services if one is adopting.

My advice would be to ask for a referral to a Camhs / local children's psychological service (some areas have services for under 5s). They will be able to assess and hopefully help. Even if their conclusion is that it's normal behaviour.

I hope this post doesn't come across as too gloom and doom, but I just wanted to put a different view across. I've seen plenty of adopted children display some very challenging behaviour inspite of being placed with loving parents who are doing everything right.

I hope you can also get some support for yourself and look after yourself x

All of this is absolutely correct. Get a referral to camhs via your gp.

And best of luck. x

wapow

You DO need to shout at kids. They are NOT adults.
Use dance to express everything. Kids love dance. Show her how loony you can be and watch her puzzled face as you are unfazed by everything because all you do is dance.

Loz01

I have precisely 0 kids so feel free to ignore me BUT... you say she hates eating lunch and screams etc. Why not saying to her "guess WHAT? We're going to sit on the floor on the blanket and have a PICNIC!" and use plastic bowls and cups and put fruit/cucumber etc in bowls and some sandwiches and juice...

Hopefully someone with kids won't come along and tell me this would be rewarding her for bad behaviour i just thought it would turn something stressful into fun and she might associate lunch time more positively