Feeling pretty desperate

picklekin

Hi all,

Some may remember me from my journey to try to have a baby of my own. I have since (5 months ago approx) adopted a little girl who is now about a year and a half.

I'm currently staying home to look after her and feel I'm falling so badly. Everyone who sees her says what a happy little child she is, but she rarely seems to be when it's just us. She seems to want everything she can't have, her toys are untouched. You put a cup of coffee down for one second and she makes a bee line. She cries all the time as I can't let her have these things. I've made the house as safe as possible, but seems she always finds SOMETHING she shouldn't have. She throws the food I make on the floor. I feel like I'm getting to breaking point.

I've called family and just get the laughing response of "well that's children for you" (followed by endless anicdotes of things their children do or I did when I was a child) I've called the doctor (when I can get through) and he's put me on some antidepressants which don't seem to really work (I couldn't get through again last week and had to just put in a repeat request hoping he'd call me but he just filled the prescription). I've tried making friends through groups to talk to, but they already HAVE friends, ones they went through anti natal groups etc with). People are polite, but no one I can open up to.

I just feel so alone and so lost, I'm worried I'm doing everything wrong. I even shouted a bit at her earlier for crying....

I'm sorry if this comes out as a wall of text, I'm typing on my phone as I can't leave her to get to my PC.

tea_lover

((((pickle)))) I don't have children, but I do know how very, very familiar this all sounds. Children (especially at your daughter's age) can be awkward little creatures - seemingly designed to test our limits and patience to breaking point.

She's learning, she's pushing her boundaries, she's playing - all normal behaviour. None of which is to say that you're wrong for feeling like you do - I bet there's very few (if any) parents that haven't felt the same way, regardless of the manner in which they began their parenting journey.

Trying to see your GP again sounds like a good idea, or maybe a counsellor or similar. You say you've spoken to family, is there anyone in particular you can speak to again? I'm sure people are trying to help by reassuring you, they probably don't realise just how upset you are.

Have you been able to speak to your husband about how you're feeling?

summerlady_2

Hi


I'm not a mum, but have spent a lot of time around family and it seems that your little one is happy and normal - toddlers seem to be attracted to danger, but I suppose it is part of exploring and growing. You won't ever make a house totally child safe so take reasonable precautions, which I'm sure you have done.


Is a child this age too old for a play pen? It may give you a minute or two of peace (but ours used to tip them over and climb out).


I think the main problem is your isolation from other parents with same-age children. Is there a group for adopters? mother and baby? mum and toddler? soft play? Don't worry about making friends - make acquaintances first - just someone to share experiences with.


Look at noticeboards, ask the nurse at your GP surgery, does a church have a mum and baby group, anything that will get you out and about and meeting people. You need to not be alone with this "problem".


Antidepressants will take a while to work, so keep taking them. If you feel they aren't helping, talk to your doctor, but do try to tackle this from a social aspect too. If your doctor doesn't ask to see you, ask to see him/her or a counsellor perhaps?


I think you are just totally overwhelmed and as you become stressed your daughter will pick up on it, so try to keep it light if you can - of course having someone to talk too helps, so you are right, it's a cycle.


Sorry I can't offer any real help, but I really think you are doing well as a mum.

indsty

Don't beat yourself up. All mums feel stressed at times. Try to start each day by deciding you are just going to enjoy your little girl and have fun together. Get out of the house, into the parks, feeding the ducks, whatever is available to you. Give her small nutritious meals, give her 10 - 15 minutes and if it isn't eaten then remove it, and do NOT give her anything else until next meal time. Make sure you tire her out with outside play and walks so that she gets a good sleep. Tired children who don't get a good sleep are always grumpy children.

It isn't easy, but she will pick up her mood from you - so you need to keep yourself interested in her, light-hearted and positive.

Do try and find someone to talk to about how you are feeling - ask your GP if they can suggest somewhere.

lika_86

I'm not a mum so feel free to ignore this, but do you already have friends (not necessarily mums) that you can reach out to? Stupid as it sounds, if you have a network on social media, try posting this exact thing there. Everyone has a tendency to only post the good stuff on social media but I've seen that genuine cries for help can make people realise that you aren't chugging along happily and people will reach out. It sounds like you're just a bit stressed out and focussing on the negatives rather than the dream of having a child that you had before actually having one. All new parents have doubts and fears but the biggest thing your initial post said to me is that other people say your daughter is a happy child - you're doing well!

codemonkey

(((pickle))) Another one without children so feel free to ignore, although all my friends have children and I'm from a big family.

Most parents have their child from day one so they go through the adjusting to parenthood thing at a slightly less accelerated rate and are more experienced by the time their child is a toddler, whereas in your case, you've been dropped in deep end with an active toddler and are trying to find your feet, adapt to parenthood, get to know your daughter and deal with the challenges of this particular stage.

Most of my friends with kids this age find it hard and there seems to be so much pressure on mums to be this perfect person who makes organic food from scratch, happily spends every second catering to the needs of her child and never, ever shouts. Everyone has shouted at their kid for crying, and the fact you feel so bad about it means you're not a bad parent.

It's a big adjustment and the fact that you're struggling doesn't make you a failure. You are not alone.

Izadora

I don't have children so can't begin to imagine how hard it is but try to remember this

picklekin wrote: »

Everyone who sees her says what a happy little child she is

whenever she's being particularly difficult. I've lost track of the number of friends and family who have commented that their children appear to be little darlings to others and turn into devil-spawn the second they're through their front door so it's perfectly normal and nothing to worry about.

Are there any adoption groups local to you? Friends of mine adopted a couple of years ago (slightly older children than your daughter) and said they would probably have gone insane without being able to talk to people who were in exactly the same position as them.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

davetrousers

Our second girl is almost 18 months now, and she is a destructive whirlwind! She climbs on things, puts things in her mouth, throws things around, breaks things etc. She is hard work. My OH often gets down and worries that she's not a good mum (she is).

There is an app called Wonder Weeks (I think) that can outline developmental stages and behavioural patterns and traits as the child develops.

Look out for various classes. I'd recommend baby signing (as in sign language). Ours do this and it can help you and the baby communicate before she can talk. Basics like: Food, more, please and thank you, animals, colours etc. It makes watching Mr Tumble more fun! And as she can communicate she gets frustrated less.

Are there any soft play centres in your area? We bought an annual pass to one of our local ones (much cheaper in long run in comparison to paying for individual sessions). These are a good place for litttluns to burn off excess energy. Most places have a under 4 (or 3s or 2s) areas to keep them away from the main areas that can get a little boisterous at times.

If it was too easy you'd be worried!

Mojisola

picklekin wrote: »

I'm currently staying home to look after her and feel I'm falling so badly.

Everyone who sees her says what a happy little child she is, but she rarely seems to be when it's just us.

I just feel so alone and so lost, I'm worried I'm doing everything wrong. I even shouted a bit at her earlier for crying....

See if there is a Home Start group in your area - it's a charity that supports parents with young children and are a real blessing if you aren't getting practical help from family and friends.

Lots of good advice in previous posts - I'd add getting her to help you with little jobs round the house rather than expecting her to play with her toys. Get her a microfibre duster in her favourite colour and spend time dusting with her; let her 'help' with some washing up (even if she does get soaked in the process); let her load/unload the washing machine; do you have some garden space where she can plant some flowers in the Spring?

If she's not interested in her toys, are they ones she has chosen? If they are all 'girl' toys, maybe she's not as interested in them as she might be with trucks/hammer and pegs/etc.

(By the way - if you can find a parent who says they have never shouted at their child, you've probably found a liar!)

Added - my Mum was given some good advice when she had her first child which she passed on to all of us - if the little one is driving you mad, get the pram out and go for a brisk walk - the change of scene will shift the LO's mood and the exercise will relieve your stress.

-taff

If she's breathing and unharmed, you're not doing anything wrong.

Give yourself a break.

Oakdene

I'm going to agree with everyone above & say she seems happy & inquisitive which is exactly how my daughter & son were at that age. Imagine being in a new place which is exciting & full of new things, our natural reaction as humans is to explore.

I know you've said she makes a beeline for your hot cup when you put it down, but rather than think its naughty or mischievous look at the possibility that she has seen you with that & is thinking 'hang on, whats going on there. I want a look at that'.

She will get her happy vibes from you, could you look at going to the local park with her or a pond/river where you can feed the ducks. Happiness doesnt have to cost the earth & its very easy to find things that are inexpensive which will get you out of the house as well as your daughter.

I noted you have been prescribed AD's... sometimes you have to find the right one for you. My GP gave me a certain one which just didnt work & it took 2 more types before I found the ones that worked best for me. They take a while to kick in so give it time but keep talking.

Give yourself some huge credit too. It sounds like your daughter is happy & as a parent that means you're doing things right.