Feeling pretty desperate

LannieDuck

Small children can be really, really hard work. I've sat on the sofa in tears in the evening because mine have taken every scrap of patience and love I have, and then demanded more. They've pushed me far beyond where I though my limits were, and they just keep pushing.

I have "mummy, mummy, mummy" on constant from the moment I get up until I get them into bed. They can veer from unrestrained joy to complete melt-down, and back again within the space of two minutes.

With DD1, I home-made purees and special 'baby recipes'. DD2 got Ella's pouches from the supermarket and whatever her older sister was having. DD1 got picked up when she cried, DD2 got picked up as soon as I finished juggling DD1 and the washing up and the other 3 chores I was trying to do.

I found it's completely impossible to do a simple job with an 18 month old around, unless they're asleep. Even a simple phone call will inevitably be interrupted by wails and little hands trying to grab the phone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you have my sympathies. It's really hard. If you've made it to the end of the day and you have a happy, healthy baby tucked up asleep in bed, you've done fine.

I'm not sure how to make other mummy (daddy?)-friends. Mine came from NCT. Perhaps you could ask the organiser of one of your groups if they're aware of anyone else who comes by themselves?

borkid

picklekin wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies.

Yes, I have an OH and... He isn't bad. He does help. He comes home to do bath/bed, and he gets her up too.

I'm a member of so many groups, swimming, singing, normal playgroups. We do something everyday nearly. We go for walks.. I try creative and sensory play. I go to am adoption group once a month. I'm even in the WI. I feel like I've tried everything. The trouble is there is always dark times (esp lunch!). I just feel I lose it, I feel I get so annoyed I'm almost cruel (ie when she cries at what I've made her for dinner I just walk away).

I don't have many close friends anymore, and none that live close. I can't make it to even acquaintance level with anyone from groups despite trying. (I'm naturally shy but I do put myself out there, make small talk etc).

I'll have a look at some of the links people have listed, and thanks again for all the replies, it does help

I remember when my 2 were little I had 1 'safe' room ( note there is no such thing as safe with children except maybe a padded cell) if I felt really stressed I would leave them there by themselves and go to the bathroom, the furthest room away from them, and just try to chill out for a while. 30 years on 2 fantastic adults, even their friends asked how do you bring up children to be like them, but honestly parts of the journey are a nightmare. I'm sure I messed up on many occasions but you do your best and just love them warts and all. The staying at home time for me was difficult as I had left a quite intellectual job to spend my time with toddlers, it is hard especially when you are 'someones' mum and not a person in your right.

Stick with it you are not alone.

barbiedoll

I've known quite a few adoptive parents (including within my own family) and a common theme is that they sometimes feel that they aren't "worthy" of being parents, simply because they didn't get pregnant and give birth. Which, when you think about it, is ridiculous. Adoptive parents go through more tests, assessments and form-filling than almost any other section of society, yet any idiot can give birth to a baby.

Lovely as children can be, being a parent to a small child is often mind-numbingly boring, tedious, wearying, frustrating and exhausting. You get very little praise, hardly any positive feedback and certainly no medals for doing your best. It's a thankless task at the best of times, and I doubt that there's a parent on here who wouldn't agree that you often find yourself wishing your life away, waiting for them to grow up!

Feeding time is often a battleground, especially if you only have one child. Ask any first-born who is the fussy eater in the family, it's nearly always them! We are bombarded with advice on how to feed our children healthy, nutritious meals and snacks, only for the little !!!!!!s to literally throw it back in our faces.

Is the dog in the room when your daughter is eating? If so, keep the dog away, she's probably throwing food for the dog, as a game.
Kids do know that mealtimes are stressful for parents, they know full well that it's important to you that they eat, so it's a form of power, she can have you dancing to her tune by playing with her food. I can remember cooking 3 different meals for my son one day, he wouldn't eat any of them and when my husband came home, I was in tears with frustration. My husband simply said "maybe he's not that hungry?" which was like a lightbulb going off in my head. Sure enough, a couple of days later, my son came down with a cold, so he was probably feeling a bit grotty anyway, which may have explained his lack of appetite. Or he could just have been in devil mode that day, who knows? He's made it to 19 years old, despite not eating every meal, every day! :rotfl:

Give yourself a break and don't think that you have to fill up every hour of every day with activities. It's ok for her to be a bit bored sometimes, if she wants a cup when you have a cup of coffee, give her a cup (empty) to play with. Let her play with your kitchen stuff, or get her an empty box to play with (hours of fun) or a roll of cheap tin foil, or a newspaper to rip up. Lots of toys don't ever get played with, why do you think so many are for sale on Ebay and in charity shops?

Get her checked out by all means, especially if you don't know her full background but she sounds perfectly normal to the rest of us. Horrid...but normal! (I'm sure she'll grow up to be perfectly lovely!)

Threebabes

You have done the most amazing thing any person can do for a child. You have taken her on as your own.

What you feel is normal. I couldn't wait for husband to get in from work to hand child over because by teatime I was fed up. I think once you find spring is on its way and summer not long after, it will help lift your spirits. Getting out with the buggy when its warm is pleasurable, its miserable in winter.

With no. 3 (yes took me 3 times to get it right), I used to put her down after lunch for a sleep. Which gave me a break from the whinging. You sound like you are doing a great job of getting out and about. Your baby is still young, it will get easier.

My no.2 cried from birth till 3. It was a relief to go to work and get away from her.

With the food, they do throw food around, the phase will pass. Babies and toddlers are incredibly hard work and its 24/7 with them. Any opportunity of a babysitter take advantage of. Could you put her in a playgroup where you leave them? From 2 my daughter went 3 mornings a week.

Hang on in there. X

Mojisola

picklekin wrote: »

Most of the unwanted food goes to the dog

I try recipes from web sites for toddler meals. I also make stuff up!

Have you tried asking her what she wants? If you offer two alternatives, she can feel in control by making the choice but then has to take 'ownership' of her decision. Don't let her change her mind and give her something different.

If she doesn't eat her meal at the moment (the dog must be happy!), do you give her snacks later on?

Mojisola

picklekin wrote: »

I don't get a lot of me time and when I go out goes do fast! I try to knit etc when she's awake but it's usually a disaster.

My sister used to sit in the play pen so she could get on with her knitting - she could still supervise the little ones and chat to them but the knitting stayed safe.

silvercar

Is there a Home Start near you? They offer help advice and support in your home from experienced Mums.

TBagpuss

Picklekin, first of all, hugs and sympathy.
As others have said, how you describe your daughter's behaviour sounds very normal for a child of her age.
You are also in the position of having been thrown in at the deep end - you didn't have the first few months of your daughter's life to acclimatise to lost sleep, and all the other things which come with becoming a new mum. Also, you didn't get the opportunity to build relationships with other mums through ante-natal classes etc, so it is harder for you to 'break in' to the groups.

And your daughter may be more needy than most children because of her early experiences, not least the fact that she has presumably had at least 2 big disruptions in her life, first when she moved from her biological parents to foster carers and again from foster carers to you.

So I definitely endorse the advice to be kinder to yourself.

I think your husband's suggestion to ask one or more of the other mums for coffee or something similar is a good one. I do understand about feeling shy - maybe you could suggest something that would work for the children too - e.g. "Would you be interested in meeting up and taking the children to [local soft play place / park / zoo], and perhaps getting a coffee? " or even phrase it as a play date.

I'd also talk again to your doctor, and think about whether it might be possible to arrange for your daughter to go to nursery - even one half day a week would give you a bit of breathing space.

toniq

Personally for my girl at that age all the activities you are doing would have been too much.

Maybe let some days just flow, try make lunch together even at her age she can try and butter bread guided.

We often stuck babytv on and sang to the songs and danced to the th music on that channel as it was really colourful.

I found it hard being an older mum fitting in with mums groups at my surestart and tumble tots. But kept making an effort and made some new friends for my little lady.

https://www.mumsnet.com/things-to-do/baby-and-toddler-groups

Fab resource for groups.

Good luck and many congrats on your new addition

x

BTW those suction bowls you stick on a high chair are a god send!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I am a Mum. You sound as though you're expecting to be perfect at this parenting lark. That doesn't happen, unless it's the smug cow with immaculate hair and a white carpet who rolls up in the 4x4 to brag about how her perfect offspring was fully toilet trained & sleeping perfectly by the age of 3 hours old, conversing with Mama about how awful it is that other children don't want to go to bed at 5pm every night by the age of one and eating olives and organic suckling pig without complaint rather than demanding alarmingly luminous blue sweets and Monster Munch for breakfast, lunch and tea everyday. The rest of us mere mortals may start out intending to be that person, but we soon realise the bedraggled, slightly crumpled creature in the mirror with black holes where others have a slight wrinkling, easily adjusted with some Touche Eclait, and a permanently haunted expression staring back, is the real us.



Toddlers are, whatever their start in life, rampaging, contrary, ungrateful, stubborn and generally hard work. It's part of their job description - and if they didn't get the memo and were lovely at 18 months, they tend to become hard work at age 3 or 4 instead.


There could be additional issues as a result of things happening during pregnancy or infancy - was Mum an addict or abusive, could there be a history of SEN or medical conditions in the bio family? - but even if she is simply perfectly normal, you still need support. Ask for it.


You'll probably hear 'oh, they're only little for such a short time'. Yes. Because ordinary humans can't handle toddlers being toddlers for longer than a couple of years. It's got nothing to do with which womb she emerged from, you are doing your best to be a great mum - and I'm sure you are - but kids don't know that - to her, and everybody else, you are Mummy. And you're great.



And an hour in the bath (lock the door - if Daddy suddenly becomes incontinent when you're in there, he can use a bucket - it'll help him get with the potty training program in six months' time) with a gin & tonic whilst Daddy deals with the latest toddlerisms is very good for the soul.

You're amazing. Your daughter doesn't know that. But I'm willing to bet everybody else does.