Feeling pretty desperate

picklekin

Yup, do all that, but then the group ends and we go our seperate ways. My OH says I should ask if anyone wants to go for a coffee... But I think I'd look like a crazy person. Besides most women are usually in groups of friends.

fairy_lights

picklekin wrote: »

I don't have many close friends anymore, and none that live close. I can't make it to even acquaintance level with anyone from groups despite trying. (I'm naturally shy but I do put myself out there, make small talk etc).

It's still early days, you've only had your daughter with you for 5 months so don't be too hard on yourself. I know from friends with small children that parent-baby groups can be quite cliquey and you are not at all unusual in struggling to make friends with the other mums. As your daughter gets older you will meet other parents you become friends with but for now just try to enjoy the groups for what they are - a chance for your daughter to play and socialise.

Mojisola

picklekin wrote: »

I can't make it to even acquaintance level with anyone from groups despite trying. (I'm naturally shy but I do put myself out there, make small talk etc).

I was in a similar position when we moved while the children were small. Offering to help run playgroup broke the ice for me, as did being very friendly when new parents arrived - you know how they feel and they are more open to making new friends.

If your daughter makes friends with a couple of other children, see how the parents respond to an invite for a play session at your house. A couple of parents coming may feel more comfortable than if you just ask one child.

thriftylass

picklekin wrote: »

.... I feel like I've tried everything. The trouble is there is always dark times (esp lunch!). I just feel I lose it, I feel I get so annoyed I'm almost cruel (ie when she cries at what I've made her for dinner I just walk away).

......

We have those dark times every day: dressing time, dinner time, tidy up time, honestly ....It is hard but normal especially at that age, they'll keep testing and testing.

Walking away when she exhibits behaviour like a tantrum is not cruel. It shows her that you don't reward that sort of behaviour with attention (any attention, especially negative like shouting or then changing her food i.e. giving in to her demands especially if it was perfectly edible food if you know what I mean). I guess she can't talk yet, so crying and tantrums are also her way of communicating. I found this age especial hard as they didn't talk and reasoning didn't work yet.

What do you do with the food she rejects? What does she eat?

Do you get any me-time? I notice that I get less patient/more stressed the more time I spend with my kids. I need time away from them (most people/parents do, it's healthy to get a break) to be a better more patient parent when I come back. Do you get time to yourself? To follow your hobby, go for a walk, a hot bath... anything?

Stay strong, you are doing a great job

picklekin

Most of the unwanted food goes to the dog

I try recipes from web sites for toddler meals. I also make stuff up!

I don't get a lot of me time and when I go out goes do fast! I try to knit etc when she's awake but it's usually a disaster.

thriftylass

picklekin wrote: »

Most of the unwanted food goes to the dog

I try recipes from web sites for toddler meals. I also make stuff up!

I don't get a lot of me time and when I go out goes do fast! I try to knit etc when she's awake but it's usually a disaster.

I usually leave my crochet till the little monsters (love them dearly) are in bed :rotfl:

Is there any food she likes? Do you always cook warm, have you tried finger food or putting a selection of things on a plate rather than a meal as such if you know what I mean? Or try eating with her if possible, i.e. just give her the same as you have for lunch and breakfast and then have an adult meal with your partner at night?

What do you do after she refused to eat the food? Does she get sth else?

elona

If lunch is usually the worst for food -how about making up a lunch box and taking both of you out to the park or having a "teddy bear picnic" on a rug in the living room and singing the song etc?

I blush to say the only way we could get twin dds to eat was to put "rainbow" on the dvd and sing the songs as it seemed to diffuse the tension. I have spent more time singing silly rhymes and looking daft trying to get dds to do things and telling myself that if I am singing then I am not shouting or crying.

It does get better, I promise.

FBaby

OP, there are some amazing parents there, but there are 100 times more 'normal' parents, and those 'normal' parents sometimes loses their cool and do and say things they know would have been better not said and done, but ultimately is not going to leave a child scared for life. Please don't put pressure on yourself for trying to be a perfect mum, the best mums are the one who make some small mistakes at times but learn from them.

Also, one thing that I didn't fully realise until I had my own children is that not all children are the same behaviour wise. Both my children were extremely demanding in attention compared to others. I always assumed that their behaviour was normal and it was me would couldn't cope with their demands, but when my DD childminder of donkey years said that she was absolutely lovely but the most demanding of attention, and then her nursery said the same, I felt a bit better. As it happened, both children are very clever and as such have a very curious mind, whilst having very little imagination. They wanted to be around people, ask question, participate, engage in communication and had no interest whatsoever in playing on their own.

DD was a naturally pleasant nature, but my DS had a temper about him in addition, so was what is referred as 'hard work. I now know that it was the worse part of it because both grew up to be easy children and even more well behaved teenagers.

So don't beat yourself up, don't think you are doing anything wrong, and accept your DD's behaviour as her expressing her own self. She will gradually take on the behaviours, customs, values that you, your husband and other around her teaches her.

As for the loneliness, don't worry. It does take time to make friends with new people. I moved when DD was 4 months old and it took at least 6 months of attending groups, making small talk and smiling to the point of aching, before I met with one of them outside of the group. There was no stopping it after that though!

Meepmeep

Hi. It's quite common to find children who have been adopted to display greater levels of challenging behaviour than other children. I can't comment on whether or not this is true in your case )or is just typical child behaviour). But I've worked in looked after children services and mostly children are removed from birth families because of high levels of neglect and abuse. Again this may not be the case for your child, but if it is then often the result is that a child, even a very young one suffers as a result. This can be at the neurobiological level as well. Things don't always turn around easily and many people require some professional support in doing so. Unfortunately my experience of the NHS is such that services have been cut so much that support for adoptive parents is non existent and one can only access specialist services if one is adopting.

My advice would be to ask for a referral to a Camhs / local children's psychological service (some areas have services for under 5s). They will be able to assess and hopefully help. Even if their conclusion is that it's normal behaviour.

I hope this post doesn't come across as too gloom and doom, but I just wanted to put a different view across. I've seen plenty of adopted children display some very challenging behaviour inspite of being placed with loving parents who are doing everything right.

I hope you can also get some support for yourself and look after yourself x

Meepmeep

Sorry meant to say access specialist services if one is *fostering* not adopting.