Am I being over sensitive

cazs

anna_1977 wrote: »

Hi
I've been seeing someone for 10 months now, he's currently in the process of moving in. We are both divorcees, me in late 30's, he in mid 40's.

I thought everything was great but at lunchtime today I popped home, I picked up his iPad to use (mine was in the office) and when I unlocked in it was on a webpage of p**n, photos of the same person - not professional, more house wife I would say....

I feel absolutely gutted. My marriage broke up after 18 years due to him cheating. I know this is not the same but I honestly feel betrayed it some way. I text him and apologised to using the iPad but explained what I'd seen - his reply was just that it must have opened on google chrome, he only uses that for p**n!! implying it's normal for him. He said he must have forgotten to shut chrome down this morning.

Maybe I'm over reacting - in my experience looking online leads to cheating, I know that's not always the case but it's hard to forget past experiences

I don't think you're over-reacting. You acknowledge that one does not automatically lead to another, which is a fair statement. However, if it was me, I'd feel totally uncomfortable with it too. People are saying oh loads of people watch it, whether that's true or not who knows, but for example, I know lots of people smoke, but I still really dislike smoking. Just because other people might do it, does not mean you have to like it. It's not for other people to tell you that you should be okay with it.
And going slightly off topic a tad, but is it not all over the news/papers etc on a relatively frequent basis, that it's this constant consumption of online or magazine adult content that is messing up with expectations of teenagers/young adults what a real relationship is supposed to be. Some of the posts on here really reflect that.
Do what's right for your relationship whatever that may be based on what your gut tells you..

WibblyGirly

What about watching it together? Have you ever watched much !!!!!!?
Both my boyfriend and I watch it, not together though. I don't believe !!!!!!=cheating as then most of the population must be cheating!

Guest101

Person_one wrote: »

The OP is upset that her partner has been looking at other women and getting sexual gratification from that. Whatever you or I might think about !!!!!! (I'm guessing you think its great and watch a lot) that's not an unusual response, especially for a woman of a generation that didn't grow up with the knowledge that most of their male peers were at least slightly addicted to instantly available free !!!!!!.

How does you telling her that she's insecure and unattractive (to you) help her with her current situation?

1: I didn't say she was unnattractive- rather that insecurity is unnattractive, which high on the list of any survey of this type. It's the opinion of millions, not just me.
2: I don't actually, I used to.
3: she's in her 30s not 70s!!

toniq

It would bother me if my hubby was watching !!!!!! on the sly and getting his kicks from that, It would make me feel I wasn't good enough and didn't turn him on enough.

I don't think I could understand if I was enough for him why he would need that stuff.

That's just me though.

System

I would be very hurt if i found my man had been looking at !!!!!!.

Why, because she would no doubt be younger than me, slimmer than me, and better looking than me. She wouldnt have half the stretch marks on her tummy that ive got.

I wouldnt understand it either. Theres no other man i'd want to see other than my own man and i wouldnt understand why he didnt feel the same.

Mojisola

anna_1977 wrote: »

Hi
I've been seeing someone for 10 months now, he's currently in the process of moving in. We are both divorcees, me in late 30's, he in mid 40's.

it was on a webpage of p**n, photos of the same person - not professional, more house wife I would say....

I feel absolutely gutted. My marriage broke up after 18 years due to him cheating.

I know this is not the same but I honestly feel betrayed it some way.

It doesn't really matter what the rest of the populations does - this is an issue between you and your partner. It's something you need to work out between yourselves - and it doesn't matter if what you decide is very different to the majority of the population.

You are more likely to be sensitive to anything that reminds you of your cheating ex and so may react more emotionally than other people.

If he cares for you, he will be sensitive to your reaction and the reasons behind it.

It may also have hit harder because he was viewing it in your home rather than at his.

If he is a regular user and wants to continue and you can't live with that, it may be a deal breaker.

Person_one

Guest101 wrote: »

1: I didn't say she was unnattractive- rather that insecurity is unnattractive, which high on the list of any survey of this type. It's the opinion of millions, not just me.
2: I don't actually, I used to.
3: she's in her 30s not 70s!!

I'm in my thirties. Very easily available !!!!!! was not really a thing until I was into my twenties. Men my age will still remember passing round magazines at school and daring each other to go into 'adult' video shops. Most of them watch a lot now but it wasn't such a huge factor in defining their ideas about sex and relationships, they generally had to learn a lot of that with an actual partner which was far better for both them and the girls/women they were learning with.

barbiedoll

Person_one wrote: »

I'm in my thirties. Very easily available !!!!!! was not really a thing until I was into my twenties. Men my age will still remember passing round magazines at school and daring each other to go into 'adult' video shops. Most of them watch a lot now but it wasn't such a huge factor in defining their ideas about sex and relationships, they generally had to learn a lot of that with an actual partner which was far better for both them and the girls/women they were learning with.

This is a very good point and is one of the reasons why women often feel very uneasy about !!!!!!. I can see why men watch it and it doesn't bother me as such. But the thought of my 19 year old son watching it and thinking that normal, everyday women are happy to take part in extreme sexual practices and to remove every single body hair and enlarge their breasts etc, fills me with horror. And I do think that young women especially, are easily pressured into thinking that they have to compete with women in !!!!!!, in order to keep their boyfriends happy. I'm all for consenting adults enjoying !!!!!! within their relationship but it can be a slippery slope.

Having said that, at least OP's partner isn't trying to hide it. He hasn't tried to lie about it or defend it, it is obviously something to which he hasn't given much thought, nor did he think that it would upset OP, although hiding away is a bit cowardly!

OP...just talk to him. You'll probably find that as he knows that you're upset by this, he'll agree to never look at !!!!!! again...at least when you're around. I wouldn't try to make him give it up completely, you'll be fighting a losing battle. But I think it's reasonable to ask that he doesn't do it when you're at home, or when you would be able to "catch him out" as it were.

(I'm always surprised at how popular the "housewife" and amateur videos tend to be, as a woman, I'd have thought that men would prefer a more "professional" scenario.)

Lily-Rose_3

Judi wrote: »

I would be very hurt if i found my man had been looking at !!!!!!.

Why, because she would no doubt be younger than me, slimmer than me, and better looking than me. She wouldnt have half the stretch marks on her tummy that ive got.

I wouldnt understand it either. Theres no other man i'd want to see other than my own man and i wouldnt understand why he didnt feel the same.

No disrespect to your hubby, but to be fair, you have to ask yourself, would these super toned, fit, pert bottomed, firm young women be interested in him?

I get what you're saying - you don't get why he wants to look at any other woman, but men do look. It's natural to want to look at a woman who is young and fit etc, as men are very driven by what they see. Doesn't mean he wants them, or he could have them!

I look at youngish handsome fit young men (famous men) because they are attractive, but I don't want them or dream and fantasise about being with them; they're just nice to look at. I still love my hubby and still fancy him, and he does me, even though he likes to look at Holly Willoughby! :rotfl:

I honesty think if men look at !!!!!!, (or have extra curricular activities whilst watching it!) it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy or love his wife/partner, it probably means he just has a high sex drive. At least he isn't having an affair!

Lily-Rose_3

Person_one wrote: »

I'm in my thirties. Very easily available !!!!!! was not really a thing until I was into my twenties. Men my age will still remember passing round magazines at school and daring each other to go into 'adult' video shops. Most of them watch a lot now but it wasn't such a huge factor in defining their ideas about sex and relationships, they generally had to learn a lot of that with an actual partner which was far better for both them and the girls/women they were learning with.

Really? I'd say !!!!!! has been easily available for over 30-40 years. Since the 80's for sure. And very easily accessible for the last 18-20 years since the advent of the internet.