Boyfriend is still communicating with his ex - just friends or more?

justme111

Op, yes it is naïve. You wanted examples of your naivete before - this one is a perfect one.
Their conversations sound like a broken record, how many times has he already told her similar stuff? About half a dozen of what you written on here, it looks like the same conversations are daily. What do you think they are for ? They are stroking their egos with this attachment with "look how rightful we are, we are not talking about anything but being friends" and toying with attention and each others feelings. You instead of seeing "well he needs these level of contact (daily but what you saying) and wants this level of attention from her" see "he does not ask her to get back ".

Person_one

emberlyn wrote: »

My mother is such a worrier though bless her. She would worry about me if I came to her about this and she has enough to deal with.

Your mum would be right to worry! You've got a big upset waiting for you just a little bit down the line if you keep pursuing this.

Look, do you really want this man, who is clearly still hung up on someone else and would go back to her in a heartbeat, to be your 'first love'? To be the first person you sleep with? There are better people to go through all that with, closer to your own age and your own situation and not grown men who should know better cruelly stringing along a naive teenage virgin.

But, you're 18, and you think you're in love. I do remember that so I suspect you will carry on until the big upset comes along. At least talk to your mum when that finally happens.

justme111

They are flirting and playing with each other, op. How can not you see that nobody would need to talk in the same topic every day with the same words. It may wither out without further romance of you are cool with it and want to play the waiting game. Chances are you will not hold your nerve and will be dumped for being controlling and paranoid and they may up the ante expecting you to do so (all subconsciously ). Or you think one day :"too much work, not worth it" and walk away.

emberlyn

I don't know where I'd be without you guys!

But yeah, I'm worried this will end badly for me I'm more tempted to wait it out though and learn from the mistake if it happens rather than leave him and wonder what could have been. You say it might wither away between them as long as I stay cool so maybe that's the best approach?

You're right, it's definitely not daily (most the time it's just general chit chat between them) but he has told her she's an awesome person and an incredible person a few times... could it be guilt? I mean, some of you said it could be that and if so then I definitely don't mind him feeling guilt as that's normal. I'd only worry if it was regret or attention seeking/game playing or something.

What would the motive be if it was 'playing'? I don't get why he'd even bother if that's what it is.

Person_one

Ok I'm out.

Good luck.

justme111

People are playing because it makes them feel good. They stay in touch because it makes them feel good. No it can not be just guilt.
It makes sense to stay and learn from it if that's what you want. But high chances are that you will not be able to ignore it while it is happening and you will have it spun against you for being "posessive paranoid " one.

-taff

I had an ex who would text similar things, I was annoyed and uncomfortable when he kept texting me this stuff, so I was curt, but polite.
Sounds like she's replying in the same way e.g. of course I'm happy,why wouldn't I be?

FBaby

Most people (I won't say men because I'll be flamed for sexism) don't half think their actions through after let alone before. You are trying to associate thoughts to every words and actions believing these were chosen accordingly. Most likely they were not. He acts on impulse not motive.

OneLeggedPig

Emberlyn I posted on your previous thread and was encouraging. Reading this one, I have to say it doesn't look great that all this contact between them is continuing.

If, as you say, you're happy to wait it out until you know for certain, then do that- but try to prepare yourself for having to end it, so that it won't be a really upsetting shock if it does have to happen. I think it most likely will have to, to be honest. But if you're happy to wait it out... just be careful how much emotion you put into it.

Remember that you exist outside of the relationship- it isn't all there is to you, so don't let yourself feel like that (I can remember what that was like from being around your age).

warby68

Emberlyn, if you were my daughter/sister/niece/friend I'd tell you to run a mile and that's even without the ex-girlfriend. Its a long distance relationship with a significantly older man who spends a heck of a lot of time online gaming and you are young and inexperienced.

I'd beg you to look for someone closer in age, geography and in real life to start out with, not this.

Add the ever present ex and well.....

But I don't think you are going to listen - you are young, besotted and flattered and grasping at straws for alternative explanations to what is so obviously wrong so I wish you luck and as little heartbreak as possible.

I'm a mum to teenagers a little younger than you - try and talk to your mum. She will be gutted if the first thing she has to do is pick up the pieces with you.