Boyfriend is still communicating with his ex - just friends or more?

FBaby

Part of me thinks of his feelings for her are deep enough he'd have asked her to meet up but because he hasn't it's giving me that hope his feelings for her aren't that strong.

But he has done exactly that! The comment 'I don't know if I can do it without you' was the coded phrase for 'I would really like to watch it with you, can I come over'. Her response 'you will cope' was uncoded for 'I don't want you to come over, I've moved on and you should too'.

Maybe it is true that he ditched her and she hang on to him, but it wouldn't be the first time that the roles are suddenly reversed after some time.

I totally agree with justme. You can continue as you are, as long as you don't make it your whole life. Even if he was acting like a perfect gentleman, you live away from each other, he is significantly older, you haven't been intimate (or not for long if you have been since your last post), so really, there isn't much in this relationship to start building anything from it. Have fun with it if you want, but let it hold you back.

fairy_lights

justme111 wrote: »

Telling them they should have had a 3 course meal instead is hurtful and not that helpful- they got what they managed to and in the abscence of any other food that cabbage is going to be held onto for dear life.

Sometimes it's better to go hungry for a while than to eat the wilted cabbage though.

tea_lover

fairy_lights wrote: »

Sometimes it's better to go hungry for a while than to eat the wilted cabbage though.

And far better for other people to help you realise that it is wilted cabbage, and not the ten course banquet you may have convinced yourself it is. That leaves you free to go out and find a banquet, or realise that actually you may not want anything to eat right now after all.

emberlyn

Thanks justme for the kind comments.

FBaby wrote: »

But he has done exactly that! The comment 'I don't know if I can do it without you' was the coded phrase for 'I would really like to watch it with you, can I come over'. Her response 'you will cope' was uncoded for 'I don't want you to come over, I've moved on and you should too'.

Maybe it is true that he ditched her and she hang on to him, but it wouldn't be the first time that the roles are suddenly reversed after some time.

You're right. It does seem that's what it translates into. It doesn't really make much sense why he'd say it otherwise does it?

Do you think he might be after attention from her if she's not really bothering with him anymore like she did in the beginning?

Still, if he was that into me he wouldn't even want attention from her. I'd be enough.

justme111

There you got it now! I think it is highly likely that he is after attention rather than physical meeting- he knows it will not go anywhere , he will feel guilty for dropping her again , she will give him grief and so on.
Re "I would not eat cabbage "attitude (no disrespect to this wonderful vegetable)- it means two things :1- that you never starved; 2- that you are not open minded and humble enough to accept when human starvs they eat cabbage and much worse

tea_lover

justme111 wrote: »

There you got it now! I think it is highly likely that he is after attention rather than physical meeting- he knows it will not go anywhere , he will feel guilty for dropping her again , she will give him grief and so on.
Re "I would not eat cabbage "attitude (no disrespect to this wonderful vegetable)- it means two things :1- that you never starved; 2- that you are not open minded and humble enough to accept when human starvs they eat cabbage and much worse

So which is more helpful to an 18 year old without much life experience: (said with the greatest respect OP, we've all been there)

a) tell her it's ok for someone to treat her as an option while she makes them a priority
b) tell her she always, always deserves respect and never to settle for anything less.

-taff

Trouble with online relationships is that you feel a lot more connected to someone after what seems like hours of conversation but all you and they are doing is showing each other the best bits about yourself or even lying about them,
What takes hours in the virtual world would only take about an hour in the real world, and is obviously a totally different experience.

I have no idea what he's after except cake and eat it spring to mind. Some people decide they've had enough of someone, and split up, then realise they've made a mistake but it's too late.

Again though, there;s a big age gap between you that may not have been so bad if you were ten years older for example because you'd have a bit more life experience. This relationship sounds like it's going to be part of that in the future to measure other people against....

justme111

tea_lover wrote: »

So which is more helpful to an 18 year old without much life experience: (said with the greatest respect OP, we've all been there)

a) tell her it's ok for someone to treat her as an option while she makes them a priority
b) tell her she always, always deserves respect and never to settle for anything less.

Neither
Ahfjfkcihv

emberlyn

justme111 wrote: »

I think it is highly likely that he is after attention rather than physical meeting- he knows it will not go anywhere , he will feel guilty for dropping her again , she will give him grief and so on.

Fingers crossed that this is what he's thinking.

justme111

Hm. So ask yourself - are you happy to be an item with someone who does not hook up with his ex just because it would be too much hassle ?