Other thread opened my eyes

Mojisola

Litchielou wrote: »

Just had to laugh, Aunt who I love phoned to make sure I was taking Mother to the hospital tomorrow for 10.15am. I told her I hadn't been asked and why have I only been asked now (I will take her) and why she didn't ask brothers. Aunt understood where I was coming from. Bite my tongue tomorrow.

Why do you roll over in situations like this?

She could ask one of her sons or book a taxi.

If you weren't always so ready to jump to her demands, she would probably appreciate you a bit more.

Litchielou

Not thanked monnagran, I even have to shame her in to paying car parking fee. I've been away Friday to this morning so I'm in a good mood. I will tell her tomorrow that she can also ask my brothers.
DH and I have had a great chat about this situation as we are 5 weeks away from finishing work.
He and my family will be coming first. Tomorrow she will either like what I say or not.xx

monnagran

Just as I thought Litchielou.

When you are officially retired you will be able to draw a line in the sand. If she can ever bring herself to ask you to ferry her somewhere you will be able to suggest that another member of the family may be able to oblige if you can't.

It is really good to hear you sounding much more upbeat and determined.

x

lessonlearned

Hi Litchielou.

I was faced with a similar dilemma. My dad expected me to ferry him around......my sister doesn't drive. But as he got more and more frail and his needs became more complex the various medical appts just proliferated. There could be as many as three a week.

It was not just the distances involved, A 50 mile round trip, there was also the time factor. With waiting times etc I could end up losing a whole day each time.

In the end I started being unavailable.

He lived with my sister so I felt that realistically this fell under her remit, she had elected to have him live with her and take care of him. It was really her domain.

I did all his paperwork, banking and financial stuff.

I helped them sort out transport, using the Voluntary drivers scheme and when they weren't available, a reliable taxi firm. We took advantage of the GP surgery's prescription delivery service. And we put in a request for the practice nurse to visit dad at home to do things like leg ulcer care, blood testing etc.

After a while the doctors also started doing home visits rather than dad having to visit the surgery, so again this made life easier.

Whilst I can appreciate you feel a responsibility to ensure your mum receives the care and medical attention she needs you don't have to physically do everything yourself. You can delegate some of the more routine tasks such as doctors visits and hospital trips for routine check ups etc

Obviously if mum is having a procedure or if her consultant wished to discuss things then A family member ought to be in attendance. But if its just routine tests or observations then perhaps she doesn't always need a chaperone.

Can you see what help is available for your mum. Your local age concern should be able to point you in the right direction and her doctors surgery should also be able to help you work out something that is more manageable for you.

And of course......your brothers could always take some responsibility too. :rotfl:

Well I have had two lazy days and feel heaps better, although struggling to sleep tonight. Never mind I do feel much happier and far less stressed.

Litchielou

Thanks lessonlearned I am glad you are starting to feel better, it will take time, just take one day at a time and go for that spa with your friend. Hope your body starts healing and then you will start sleeping better.

At the moment I work as a receptionist at a local doctors so I know what help would be available to her.
Glad you laughed when talking about my brothers, I spoke to my eldest last night and at first he thought I should go to all mothers appts as he worked full time. For a while he couldn't get a word in as I lost it, my DH took the phone of me and he informed him that he was putting his foot down and if he didn't help or my younger brother then he would stop me from going. I think that shocked my brother and me more than anything as DH is the most nicest, calming, easygoing man I know and he has never said anything like that before. After he came of the phone we both laughed as he knew he couldn't stop me from doing anything.
But in the end elder brother realied he meant business and said he will try to help more. Seeing will believing. Just need to inform younger brother now. (Bet he already knows)

Yes when we finish work we will have lots of plans, but I will still go once a week.

Better have breakie now then get ready to take her today.xx

Mojisola

Litchielou wrote: »

But in the end elder brother realied he meant business and said he will try to help more.

The language says it all - he's going to 'try' (so no commitment there) to 'help' you (so the job is really yours but he may do a bit now and then).

You and your husband could feed different words back at the two brothers - 'you must do your share', 'which of you two are going to do the next appointment?' and so on.

Be more specific and pin them down to exact agreements.

Litchielou

Just got home from hospital appointment and you will all be proud of me, when the next appointment was given for 3 weeks time I said 'well that's enough time for either of brothers to get a day off as I will be busy that day'. You should of seen her face.
Dropped her and Aunt off and came straight back to see 3 of our grandchildren they cheer me up.xx

lessonlearned

Well done for biting the bullet.

monnagran

Well done Litchielou, you should be proud of yourself.
Now, who is going to break the news to your brothers.
I'm sure your Aunt will back you up.

Maybe now you will get the respect you deserve. Maybe not, but you have now laid down the rules and you get taken for granted again at their peril

Can you hear the sound of applause from the Isle of Wight?.

x

Litchielou

I have put the process of finishing work yesterday, I leave on 8th march, so excited. My DH leaves the week before. I posted this on Facebook and today I had the most vicious phone call from Mother to say how upset she was that she found out from my younger brother who read my status and not from me personally.( She did know I was finishing but not the date.) She has in one phone call ruined our moment of happy times to come. I'm sad to say that at the moment I HATE her.

Will have to read all the positive comments to cheer me up (107 and counting). Oh well I shouldn't be surprised at her reaction.

Love to you all.xx