Other thread opened my eyes

monnagran

Don't you DARE start feeling guilty Litchielou. Any more talk like that and I will come and haunt you, and I do a good haunt - rattling chains and all, most impressive. Don't risk it.

Now, getting tiddly gets my full approval. The only complaint I have is that I was not invited.

Seriously, you should be feeling very good about yourself. It's not easy to crawl out from under a domineering parent and you have done spectacularly well in standing up for yourself. As you drove off after telling your mother how things were going to be in the future, did you hear the distant sounds of cheering. That was us.

Here's to many more liberated tiddly evenings.

x

Frith

Hello, Litchielou.


I've been reading with interest and you might like to look at this link:


http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/


In my own family there are 2 scapegoats and 1 golden child. (I actually get on extremely well with the golden child and I'd rather be in my situation than his!) It is weird to watch from afar as he gets given a house, land and still gets all his cooking, washing - everything - done for him and his clothes bought for him when he is in his mid 30s. I left home at 18 and my other sibling pretty much at 14 and we got through university and supported ourselves but get nothing but criticism.


Well done for sticking up for yourself. It brings nothing but hysteria and nastiness when I try that!

Litchielou

Frith, when my Father was alive I stood up for myself and was very publicly thrown out of HIS house.
So I think that's why Ive not been assertive with Mother.

Today I have woken up not only with a sore head one bottle turned into two, but I feel happy and relieved. I won't be going for at least 3 weeks, things to do on Mondays and I will not go any other day.

Just seen Jean from next door and I hope I don't look as bad as her, Daren't look in the mirror.
Just having a coffee then I will get into gear do some housework then I'm hoping to go shopping.

Love to you all xx

lessonlearned

Hi Litchielou. Just want to say "Well done". Asserting yourself is never easy but you have taken that first step to establishing boundaries.

Yes the £10 toward petrol is probably the nearest you will get to an apology.:rotfl:

You are doing well and you have your retirement coming up, stick to your guns and enjoy your own "golden years" with your husband.

Frith....thanks for the link. Some interesting reading.

In my case it's my late father who suffered from NPD, my mother was the Enabler, my sister was the Golden Child and I was the Scapegoat..

What I find depressing is that the toxicity hasnt ended with his death (Dec 30th). I am still dealing with his estate and he has managed things so that his nastiness and spite are carried on from beyond the grave. He has managed his affairs to cause the maximum disruption and upset to my sister and I.

Yes you have guessed .........she gets the lions share of his estate.

Quite frankly it's more or less exactly what I expected from him but I know my late mother would be appalled. She died first and trusted him to ensure that everything would be fair and equitable.....well he managed to turn that on it's head and has gone against mum's wishes.

I am not overly bothered about the financial aspect ..........I feel that any "gifts" from him are tainted.

It is the effect the unfair division of assets has had on the family, the upset and hurt. The repercussions will effect not just my sister and I but also his grandchildren. My boys know they too are scapegoats whilst my sisters daughter was the Golden Grandchild. He lavished attention on her and ignored my son's.

Dealing with my father's estate I have been shocked to see just how much money has been lavished on my sister and her daughter since my mother's death. Mum would be turning in her grave if she had one.

Like you Frith I am actually relieved not to be the Golden Child, despite always being at a financial disadvantage.

Being the Scapegoat I am stronger, more emotionally resilient, independent and more capable than my sister. Although not rich (my husband's illness affected our finances very badly) I am financially secure and can stand on my own two feet.

My sister cannot handle money and lurches from one financial (and emotional) crisis to another. Yes she will have the financial advantage from our parents estate just as she did when they alive but the extra gains will soon be squandered. I can predict that within a few years she will have spent it all and be back where she always is......in debt and living from pay check to pay check.

I will just get a few crumbs from the table .............:rotfl:

It really isn't about the money......I couldn't care less ........its the toxic legacy he has left behind that's the real issue. It has the potential to cause a rift between my sister and I. I won't let it of course. I am not jealous of the fact that she gets the bulk of his estate but I would be a liar if I said that I haven't found it hurtful.

TBH I doubt that my sister will ever be able to stand on her own two feet. He made her both financially and emotionally dependent.

Whilst being the Scapegoat is unpleasant and hurtful, in the long run I think we Scapegoats probably do better. We are forced into early independence and learn to sink or swim by our own efforts.

I don't need his money, I have worked hard all my life, stood on my own two feet and never had a penny from my parents, not even a loan. In fact there were times when I helped mum out financially. He never knew.

My sister repeatedly had loans and gifts of money from my parents.

Being the Golden Child, is a curse. Like my sister they are often infantilised, can't fend for themselves, are needy and find it difficult to realise their full potential as adults.

moneyistooshorttomention

Sorry to hear that LL:( - :mad:on your behalf.

My sympathies. The only consolation, if one can call it that, is it didnt take you by surprise I guess. I wouldnt be surprised if my mother does/has done something similar with my brother. He apparently is (according to her way of thinking) less capable than I am - though he is married and I'm single and many of his health problems do look as if they are at least partly self-inflicted.

So - I have some idea how you feel and the only blessing is there isnt much of a relationship between my brother and myself to break up anyway (so I'm ready to "walk away" from him without a backward glance if it comes to it). Whereas you do sound as if you have a reasonable relationship with your sister - and it's entirely understandable if you wonder whether/how to continue with it in those circumstances.

Take care.

Mojisola

lessonlearned wrote: »

In my case it's my late father who suffered from NPD, my mother was the Enabler, my sister was the Golden Child and I was the Scapegoat..

Being the Scapegoat I am stronger, more emotionally resilient, independent and more capable than my sister. Although not rich (my husband's illness affected our finances very badly) I am financially secure and can stand on my own two feet.

My sister cannot handle money and lurches from one financial (and emotional) crisis to another.

TBH I doubt that my sister will ever be able to stand on her own two feet. He made her both financially and emotionally dependent.

With both parents gone, your sister may turn to you to put everything right in her life. Be ready for the sob stories and the requests to bail her out.

lessonlearned

Yes.....you are right Money.

No matter how I cut it, my relationship with my sister will be (already has been) affected.


Dad's solicitor has pointed out that legally her position is unassailable and that I haven't a leg to stand on because whilst under the 7 year rule the gifts of monies prior to his death do form part of his estate they are not legally enforceable in terms of his will.

Whilst yes the will is a fair 50/50 split - that applies only to what is left after the lifetime gifts have already been granted.

In law she is the winner and I am the loser. If he had wanted a fair division of the assets he should have made a codicil. He didn't. He never intended for me to have my "fair share".

Yes you can apply for a " Deviation of the Will" to circumnavigate this issue but only if all beneficiaries are in agreement. His solicitor has broached the subject to my sister, asking her to make an offer. She has refused.

For me The money is not the issue. Its the moral principle.

If she had volunteered to ensure that the estate was divided more equally then I would have let her off the hook. She could have had the lions share with my blessing, with perhaps just a small portion of her gain to be used as a bequest for my sons.

All I ever really wanted was an acknowledgment from her about the truth of what has happened. She cant or won't admit this and is in total denial. This is what is bothering me.

I have to say I am very shocked and saddened by her attitude, and her reaction has substantially altered how I feel about her. I thought she loved me and that we had a bond that no one could break. Now I'm not so sure.

My dad was always jealous of the strength of the relationship between my sister and I and over the years systematically tried to drive a wedge between us. It looks like where he failed in life he has succeeded in death.

I won't let our relationship ship break down but I have to say my feelings Towards her are somewhat ambivalent. It will always be there in the background.....how could it not be.

At the moment I dont even want to spend long in her company.

We still text each other regularly but I haven't seen her since dad's funeral nearly 3 weeks ago. This is unheard for us to go this long without seeing each other.

It's very sad but I just don't feel the same about her now. I still love her but I'm just disappointed that she can't seem to understand how badly I have been treated and that it hurts.

I suppose I will go and see her one day this week or early next week. But I take no joy or pleasure in the thought of being with her. It's all spoilt. That's his real legacy....damaging my relationship with my sister and sowing the seeds of discord. One final act of spite.

lessonlearned

Mojisola wrote: »

With both parents gone, your sister may turn to you to put everything right in her life. Be ready for the sob stories and the requests to bail her out.

I have bailed her out in the past. . Several times.

I won't be doing it again.

moneyistooshorttomention

Oh dear LL. It does sound as if Mojisola is right on this. She often does hit the nail on the head and I think has done so again by saying about the likelihood of your sister asking for bailouts.

Looking at it from outside pov - then I do wonder if the "keeping up the contact" between you/keeping things sweet has maybe come a bit more from her side and there has always been a bit of an ulterior motive on her part for this (though she may not be aware herself about that motivating factor).

Stay strong LL. You've had enough to cope with financially - without all the extra help your sister has had. As you've said yourself - your husbands illness took a big toll on your finances. It is understandable why that happened and is something that is probably the case in many such illnesses and no-one's fault that it did so. But your sister, on the other hand, has probably been spending money by choice on bad financial decisions and luxuries (eg expensive holidays) - with the thought that Someone Somewhere would always bail her out and she would never have to "grow up" and learn to manage her money well.

Take care.

spirit

LL, I don't know what to say about the contents of your father's will, I'm a bit gobsmacked to be honest. How any parent can be so bitter for so long astounds me - and for what reason?


My mother is a narcissist as I've said in other forums. I'm the scapegoat, my elder sister is the golden child and my younger sister, well I'm not sure. she hasn't spoken to our mother for years either.


I'm sure that when the time comes I won't be mentioned in her Will. It won't be any surprise at all. When her 2nd husband died (not my father), she gave both sisters some money - £1000. seemingly she didn't want my ex husband to get his hands on it and so I didn't get anything, not then and not since. Both sisters have had things bought for them (cars etc). I've only ever been given £30 as an adult and even that I had to pay back.