Other thread opened my eyes

lessonlearned

Thanks Money. Don't worry - Yes I will take care.

Thanks to this site, the blessed St Martin and all the wonderful help, advice and support I have received here I have managed to rescue my finances.

I have no debts, enough capital to buy a small house and modest but adequate pensions. I am quite happy living in "simple luxury". I am rebuilding my life, getting stronger and healthier by the day.

I am on track for a good retirement.

My father is gone, he can't hurt me any more. I did worry that I might struggle with my emotions when he died, that I would feel guilty about not mourning him or at least feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

Well I don't.....no guilt whatsoever, just relief that he can't spread his nastiness to my sons. It's over.

As for my sister sucking up to me out of an ulterior motive. I Genuinely don't think this was the case. She has her faults but being devious and calculating aren't part of her make up. She is absolutely transparent, almost childlike in that respect. She's not nasty.

No I just think our father did a great job of infantilising her, making her too dependent. This was his chief bone of contention with me and what is common to most narcissistic parents.

They cannot bear the thought of their offspring developing minds of their own, of growing up and away from them. They cope with their children well enough when we are young and just an extension of them because we feed their egos.

It's when we become wilful teenagers with our own thoughts, dreams and aspirations that it all falls apart.

My father hated the fact that I would not do his bidding and follow the career path he wanted, that I was independent and wanted to make my own life choices. He never forgave me for "growing up". My sister was always more "compliant".......

To my mind she has paid a high price for her financial rewards, one that I would never be prepared to pay. Give me freedom and independence any day.

I may not have the money but I got the better deal.

She's welcome to it.

lessonlearned

I'm ok now Spirit. Shocked and stunned at first.....and yes hurt too. But to be honest not entirely surprised. I knew he would pull a stunt of some sort.

If anything I'm slightly amused that he thought he could get away with it without any one noticing. He thought he was being clever by gifting a fair portion of the estate before his death and that it would go undetected. He thought I wouldnt find out what he had been up to. His arrogance knew no bounds.

Pride in his brain power was always one of his vanities .....he thought that he was smarter than everyone else. That everyone else was a mug. It's why he disliked my husband, because my husband really was an intellectual colossus, although he was always unassuming and modest about his achievements, but my father felt threatened by husbands superior brain power.

Well I guess my father just wasn't as smart as he thought he was. He got found out.

But what really annoys me in all this is that he went against my mother's express wishes. She wanted a fair and equal distribution of their assets - it was her money too.

(In fact the foundation of their modest wealth was built on my mother's inheritance from her parents and her careful money management. Without that they would not have accumulated much at all. My father was a spendthrift, left to his own devices he would have died penniless).

Hey ho.......its all water under the bridge.

I do worry about my sister. Maybe she will stand on her own two feet at last, maybe not. I hope she uses her inheritence wisely because it's her last chance.

Once it's gone, it's gone. That particular well will be dry.

M.E.

Lessonlearned....

But what really annoys me in all this is that he went against my mother's express wishes. She wanted a fair and equal distribution of their assets - it was her money too.

This happened in our family, though it was father who died first and mother who made 7 wills in the last year of her life and only the last one gifted the youngest daughter the residue. As it happened she had spent most of mum's money (without Mum's knowledge) and solicitor took the rest in probate fees!!!!
Said sister resides in an OAP flat, no money to her name and because of her jealousy does not contact the other siblings. Peace at last!!!!!
She believes the world owes her a living and her words to the Judge "I deserve the money because my brothers and sister gave me a hard childhood". Judge took no notice of her lies.

monnagran

My goodness, it goes from bad to worse LL.

The only thing I can say is that you are walking on the moral high ground. Lucky you. The view from up there is magical.

What is more, you are a wonderful example to your children who will grow up to be independent, self-reliant individuals who will not be expecting any one else to dig them out of difficulties or bail them out of trouble.

I actually feel sorry for your sister and her family. Where will their inner resources be when they need them?

Your father would have cut his throat if he had known what he was doing. He certainly has been unfair...............to your sister. He has ensured that she will struggle for the rest of her life - not financially, (yet) but in every other area of her life.

No, all things considered, he has made you the lucky one. Wouldn't he have just hated that?

Ha, ha!

x

lessonlearned

M E - I believe Karma catches up in the end.......

I want my sister to be safe and financially secure. I would have willingly have gifted her some of my portion to help her to this end.

I think part of the problem is her husband is a wastrel and I can't help but wonder how much of this is partly his doing. Has he been applying pressure.

One thing for sure.......he will help her spend it. .

She's 54 and this money could have helped her retirement.

lessonlearned

Monnagran .......you are absolutely right.

In many ways I have had the last laugh. Not only did he not defeat my spirit, he made me Stronger!!

Karma at its best.

My boys saw right through him at a very early age. They know the score.

It's my sister I feel for and worry about. You are quite right, she is the victim here.

.

LameWolf

Litchielou wrote: »

So why do I feel guilty of my behaviour.

Because you've always, til now, been the Good Little Girl and done what you're told. But now you're throwing off the shackles and saying NO MORE!! And it takes a bit of getting used to.

Oh - and as regards getting tiddly? Don't worry about it. I got called into the GP surgery today for my first ever "arthritis review" (I was dx'd in 1999, and with lupus in 2003) and Mr LW decided I was so frazzled afterwards, that we'd go to the pub. 'Nuff said.

lessonlearned

Litchielou......this thread is great therapy!!! :rotfl:

We would have to pay a small fortune to get it off our chests in real life.

I met my friend (the one who had the mother from hell) last week for lunch and retail therapy. Again we sat and compared notes about what happened to us ........

It really does help us to unburden rather than bottle it all up.

I tell my sons SOME of it but not all. It's been good for me to come on here and spill the beans.

And no therapists fee.:rotfl:

Well it is a money saving site. :beer:

Litchielou

LL I'm sure it's not the money but the feeling of your father's nastyness even after death that he's still trying to hurt you. I am so glad that you and your boys are the lucky ones in knowing that you didn't and don't need his help in anything you do.
I also never mourned my Fathers passing in actual fact I was glad when he went.
Your sister is as much a victim in the way he favoured her, as he has not shown her how to stand on her own two feet and live life to the full using her own money.
In a few years her money will be gone and she won't know how to get more as your father is not around anymore.
Enjoy your life, boys and friends you are a strong and loving person.

In my own situation I have seen Mother's will, I get some pottery, older brother gets tools and a few thousand, younger brother gets the most money (9 years younger than me, golden boy) but at least all her grandchildren are in a trust, so equal share. I have already told her that I don't want her money
or even the pottery. DH and children say take it and smash it.

The thing is I get on quite well with brothers, just that they think as I'm a female I should take her to hospital etc. I WON'T BE DOING THAT.

I've had a great day shopping even with a sore head. It's now 3 weeks to retirement.

Love to you all xx

Litchielou

I am so pleased that this thread is helping everyone.
Don't worry the only charge for therapy is for you all to toast yourselves for being strong and loving
people.

xx