Other thread opened my eyes

maryb

My Golden Child brother hasn't made a very happy or productive life for himself. My sister was the Scapegoat but she and I are exceptionally close. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother

Litchielou

I'M speechless to hear what has happened to others on here.

The old saying goes 'you can choose your friends but not your family'. And what family some of us have.
M.E I shed a few tears after reading your post, what a childhood you had, your mother seems to have been so jealous of you and was more likely frightened that your siblings would be left behind, but that through her ways is what has happened.
Lesson learned it is a new day onwards and upwards.
Wort I'm 3rd in the queue, but guess what I'm first with my DH, children and grandchildren.
I'm trying to step back a little.

Remember we are strong people.

Love to you all xx

maryb

My mother died when I was 15. She wanted to leave everything to my brother. She had no dependents' pension that would have provided for us. My sister and I would have been penniless and she would have had to leave university to support me. My sister for my sake found the strength to insist we were treated fairly. Golden Child burned through his share in a couple of years.

M.E.

your mother seems to have been so jealous of you and was more likely frightened that your siblings would be left behind,

Litchielou
Actually I had a very, very happy and carefree childhood, I breezed through everything and I still take no offence at anything thrown at me. I took the unfair treatment as normal.
Yes, after she died, it was only then that I realized she had been jealous of me and possibly wanted to have had the opportunities that I had. Her education in the 20's and 30's was limited by being female and then the war came, she met Dad and was busy with the five of us:think:.
On the other hand, my sister still thinks Mum disliked me (she didn't) because sister thinks that Mum only loved her.:eek:

I remain, as ever, a happy optimist, very content with my life. My sister pefers to grumble to those around her and she doesn't include me in her life.

moneyistooshorttomention

M.E. - that may be part of it (possibly a large part of it) - ie your mother being jealous of you for having the opportunities she hadnt.

Yes...I know its not logical. She came of age before the 1970s and you came of age in the 1970s onward. That meant she didnt have the Pill and legal abortion available to her - but you have had them available to you.

One can sympathise with women in that generation and before for having Mother Nature restrict their lives in a way that doesnt apply to women of 60 or so downwards in age (ie those of us that came of age in the 1970s onwards).

I have long since lost count of the number of times I have thought "Thank goodness I came of age in the 1970s and I had that Pill and legalised abortion available to me and there was no way my body was going to force me into being a mother against my will". I am so so very thankful that I could (and did) decide on that and ensure that my body never so much as got pregnant on me in the first place. So I never had to have an abortion to "put things back to normal". I decided I wasnt going to get pregnant/I had The Pill/I never did get pregnant.

Those of us my generation and younger are so so blessed that we had this option - and I do genuinely sympathise with women in the generation up from mine and older that they didnt have this choice that we take for granted.

So - one can't forgive. She shouldnt have stood in your way as she did. But one can sympathise and understand iyswim.

milasavesmoney

IMO, it's time to have a talk with your brothers and ask them to share mom duty. They probably won't step forward unless you tell them you need their help. You need the relief of both their help and of knowing your mom is being seen to at the same time. Be honest with them. There are plenty of people to share the load. Please don't enable them to get away with leaving it all to you. They may not realize that you need support and help unless you voice your need. Your children could help out too.
If your husband sees the stress and pressure then it is effecting your health both emotionally and mentally. Enlist everyone to take part in these last months/years of your mother's life. They should be given the opportunity to feel they have contributed to the wellbeing of the family unit too.

Whoknowskt89

Now my family are no where near as complicated or harsh as some of you are dealing with!

Im in my mid twenties with sisters and a brother of similar ages.
I'm the youngest, only single one.
Now I've managed to get a fairly decent job and a mortgage and in the ideal world, they'd be proud etc.
My parents like to take the absolute ****, but only out of me. After uni I moved back in with them for a few years (my brother was still there throughout the whole time working full time) yet I had to pay more keep, cancel plans to drive my mum around as she doesn't have a licence.
During this time a sister had a kitchen appliance break so I helped out with the cost as my parents had little money and my sister was useless. To this day she's never thanked me for that or helping her move despite recently having fairly major operation.
Now, my parents ended up moving and sucker that I am, I cancelled a weekend away to help them pack up and move.
The movers van wasn't big enough so ended up doing around 15 trips between my place, the old place and the new, none of which are nearby.
I warned my family when they moved they wouldn't see me as much as it takes a good 2 hours if the roads are OK. But now I get I need you to do this that and the other.
Or instead of asking to borrow things of mine it's can you bring it when you're over next.. Or saying oh the car needs an oil change do it when you're over next....then getting irritated when I say I'm not going to be over for a few weeks and expecting me to go out and buy all the tools for things.
I mentioned a bonus recently and it was great I could do with money for the pets... OK originally my pet but they wanted to keep when I moved out and I do give them money already.

I must add - they never ask my sisters or brother for anything. 1 sister is living in the same area, no kids.
They also love messaging me with problems while I'm at work, once to call a company about a phone issue! Tried getting me to sort it despite my sister not being at work so able to help.

Okay that's my little rant over. I know I've got it easy compared to most but I feel much better or the rant.

monnagran

As I've said before on this thread, slavery was outlawed in this country a long time ago.

What we all have to realise is that, apart from when we have young children, no one is responsible for any other person.
We shouldn't expect anyone to do things for us any more than they should expect us to do things for them.

Of course we WILL do caring things for others, out of love, consideration, commiseration or a dozen other reasons and usually our efforts are received with appreciation and gratitude. USUALLY. What I have been hearing is a catalogue of people being loaded down by family members demanding that all their needs and wants are met by their current slave.

This is absolutely untenable. I think that the time has come for all of us to put a stop to this. We have the right to say, "NO." It can be wrapped up if necessary.
"I'm sorry but I am far too busy to take on any extra commitments at present."
"I won't be able to do that. Perhaps you could ask.............."
"I don't have the tools/time/money/inclination to do that."
"NO, NO, NO, NO,"

These people who make these unreasonable demands obviously have no respect or consideration for us at all. Well, tough titty, as one of my ruder friends is wont to exclaim. We will make up for this by respecting, loving and caring for OURSELVES.
We are responsible for no one but our own darling selves. Our love, care, generosity, help and consideration will only be shown in future towards those who show the same qualities to us.

Let the revolution begin.

I get silly at this time of night but I am so angry on behalf of all of you.

x

spirit

monnagran wrote: »

As I've said before on this thread, slavery was outlawed in this country a long time ago.

What we all have to realise is that, apart from when we have young children, no one is responsible for any other person.
We shouldn't expect anyone to do things for us any more than they should expect us to do things for them.


x

Morning Monna,


This bit made me chuckle. My mother's view was that you had children to look after you in your old age. Well that's rather turned round and bitten her neatly on the bum!


She was always lazy and a bit lax in the cleaning/housework dept. From since I and my (elder) sister were old enough to hold a dustpan and brush, we were the ones to do the cleaning/housework. One of my jobs was to brush the stair carpet every week. I also had to look after younger sister when she was a baby - changing her nappies (terry towelling) and looking after her when mother wanted to go out.


Mother wasn't really a party animal, far from it. when she divorced, her sole aim was to find a replacement mug/husband. so she regularly went to a local divorced/separated persons club to find her next one. She never wanted to work and so said boyfriend/husband would have to provide for her. I remember on a Saturday evening having to snip off her underarm hair with little nail scissors - sorry, TMI!


Sadly, she wasn't very discerning husband wise and ended up marrying a kiddle-fiddler. That's a whole new story and the reason I and younger sister no longer have anything to do with her.

Mojisola

Whoknowskt89 wrote: »

I warned my family when they moved they wouldn't see me as much as it takes a good 2 hours if the roads are OK. But now I get I need you to do this that and the other.

Or instead of asking to borrow things of mine it's can you bring it when you're over next.. Or saying oh the car needs an oil change do it when you're over next....then getting irritated when I say I'm not going to be over for a few weeks and expecting me to go out and buy all the tools for things.

I mentioned a bonus recently and it was great I could do with money for the pets... OK originally my pet but they wanted to keep when I moved out and I do give them money already.

I must add - they never ask my sisters or brother for anything. 1 sister is living in the same area, no kids.

They also love messaging me with problems while I'm at work, once to call a company about a phone issue! Tried getting me to sort it despite my sister not being at work so able to help.

Okay that's my little rant over. I know I've got it easy compared to most but I feel much better or the rant.

You'd feel even better if you learned to say "No" and "Sister/Brother will be able to do that for you. Ask them".