Other thread opened my eyes

monnagran

Of course you are going to make it LL. Reading through all these posts makes me realise how very strong the human spirit is. The terrible things that have happened and the awful effects those things have had on the rest of your lives have not embittered you and so many of you report that you have enjoyed happy marriages. All of you have managed not to pass this unhappiness on to your own families. Goodness how you have done that when your own experiences of family life were so appalling, but you deserve all the compliments there are for that.

I think that accepting praise and compliments is a learned art. Certainly when I was growing up we were not encouraged to think well of ourselves. In fact we were not encouraged to think of ourselves at all, pride was the most heinous of the deadly sins. I was fortunate in having a happy family, quite a narrow religious outlook but we were loved and cared for. My marriage soon introduced me to the way I could be used and abused but that is another story, I was an adult by then and able to take care of myself.

I know exactly what you mean about finding compliments uncomfortable. I usually find myself turning the compliment back on the giver. " How kind of you to say that. You certainly know how to make a person feel good about themselves".
It works for me.

x

spirit

monnagran wrote: »

Of course you are going to make it LL. Reading through all these posts makes me realise how very strong the human spirit is. The terrible things that have happened and the awful effects those things have had on the rest of your lives have not embittered you and so many of you report that you have enjoyed happy marriages. All of you have managed not to pass this unhappiness on to your own families. Goodness how you have done that when your own experiences of family life were so appalling, but you deserve all the compliments there are for that.

I think that accepting praise and compliments is a learned art. Certainly when I was growing up we were not encouraged to think well of ourselves. In fact we were not encouraged to think of ourselves at all, pride was the most heinous of the deadly sins. I was fortunate in having a happy family, quite a narrow religious outlook but we were loved and cared for. My marriage soon introduced me to the way I could be used and abused but that is another story, I was an adult by then and able to take care of myself.

I know exactly what you mean about finding compliments uncomfortable. I usually find myself turning the compliment back on the giver. " How kind of you to say that. You certainly know how to make a person feel good about themselves".
It works for me.

x

Thanks Monna. I think I was about 5 years old when I said to myself that if I ever had children (and I do) that I would not treat them in the same way I had been/was being.


I guess I knew that things were 'different' in our house compared to what I saw at friends' homes. (note the use of house and home)


I was determined to give my children everything I didn't have growing up. Not material things, but my time, respect and most of all love and show them that I love them.

donnajt

lessonlearned wrote: »

Yes its hard to jettison those feelings of inadequacy and learn how to accept compliments in the spirit that they are given. I didn't realise just how rude and ungracious I was until a very dear friend took me to task about this.

Apparently when anyone told me I looked nice more often than not I would answer with a long garbled explanation, trying to justify myself saying that I had bought the dress or whatever in a sale. I was always extremely defensive.

I probably came over as being passive aggressive, not intentionally but because compliments made me feel very uncomfortable and I just didn't know how to respond. I just didn't know any better.

My friend did me a real favour by pointing out how I came across and I had to make a real conscious effort to learn how to be gracious and to just smile and say thank you.

I think one of the legacies we "unwanted" or unloved ones have had to deal with is we have had to unlearn the habits and coping strategies we taught ourselves as children.

I know I became very prickly and also very adept at hiding my feelings and emotions, Learning never to shed tears in front of my father because this only enraged him. Better to feign indifference than risk exacerbating his vile temper. Of course this only gained me a reputation for being "cold" and unfeeling. So a no win situation for me. :rotfl:

Sometimes these habits are so ingrained it can be hard to break them. It takes real thought and concerted effort to unlearn destructive behaviour patterns.

I was helped by both my husbands to become more confident and to value my self worth and of course it was my own children who taught me the real joys of parenthood, how to love unconditionally and without fear.

It might not sound much but I consider my happy marriage and my wonderful children as my greatest achievements.

I don't feel bitterness but I do feel sadness for that little girl (me) who was so lost and confused and who endured such a lonely and sad childhood.

These last few weeks since my father's death have been very painful, with sad memories coming back to taunt me, with flashbacks and relived traumas.

But this thread has really helped me confront some of those old demons. I have spent the last couple of days reading up about conflicted grief and I have opened up to my sister and my dear friend who visited me today.

I feel "lighter" and a lot more positive as a result. So a big thank you for starting this thread and pointing me on the road to recovery.

I feel better already. I'm going to make it.

Lessonlearned - I applaud you - I could have written it myself, thank you for sharing such wise words and your innermost thoughts, I too feel lighter and I feel sure you will make it xxx

LameWolf

spirit wrote: »

I was determined to give my children everything I didn't have growing up. Not material things, but my time, respect and most of all love and show them that I love them.

Then you have done a great thing, and should be proud of yourself.

I realised very early on that motherhood was not for me; I don't have any maternal instinct whatsoever; thankfully, by the time I was of an age to think about children, there was a genuine choice.

I'm extremely uncomfortable around people generally, even more uncomfortable around children (I couldn't relate to them even when I was one) so I know I made the right decision.

Regarding compliments - I can bluff well enough, I can say the gracious-sounding "thank you" and just leave it at that; but I then spend the rest of the day worrying that whatever the person has mentioned is actually a complete mess, and they're having a laugh at my expense.

lessonlearned

Stress levels through the roof this morning. Slept badly, stomach turning somersaults. feel dreadful. Lots of flashbacks.

Woe is me.......:rotfl:

Hey ho 36 hours and it will be over.

Going for a massage this afternoon, hopefully it will de kink some of the muscle knots, reduce the fibro pain and help me relax.

Wishing my life away here but roll on a couple of months and The return of spring and hopefully this will all have faded into the background.

Watched streetcat named Bob yesterday. Lovely. My own little Kittie is "helping" me type.

He appeared as a bedraggled half starved stray on my doorstep the week my husband died. He's been my constant friend and companion ever since. He always seems to sense when I'm a bit low because he follows me round the house and sticks to me like a limpet. .:D

iris

lessonlearned wrote: »

Stress levels through the roof this morning. Slept badly, stomach turning somersaults. feel dreadful. Lots of flashbacks.

Woe is me.......:rotfl:

Hey ho 36 hours and it will be over.

Going for a massage this afternoon, hopefully it will de kink some of the muscle knots, reduce the fibro pain and help me relax.

Wishing my life away here but roll on a couple of months and The return of spring and hopefully this will all have faded into the background.

Watched streetcat named Bob yesterday. Lovely. My own little Kittie is "helping" me type.

He appeared as a bedraggled half starved stray on my doorstep the week my husband died. He's been my constant friend and companion ever since. He always seems to sense when I'm a bit low because he follows me round the house and sticks to me like a limpet. .:D

I shall be thinking of you tomorrow LL. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.


You were so supportive when my husband died last September.


Sending you a virtual hug. Iris

Litchielou

Lessonlearned big hugs for tomorrow keep strong xx

elona

LL

Crossing my fingers and toes and sending positive vibes.

Caterina

LL sending you warm thoughts, will light a candle for you tonight. Hugs xx

Littlefrugalcottage

I am the youngest of three sisters, of which the eldest is 7 years older than me and the middle one is only 18 months older than me. When I was growing up the eldest couldn't do anything wrong, she was the apple in daddies eye, if she needed help with homework ect she got it no matter what. Now I'm not the brightest spark in the box when I was younger and it took me a lot longer to learn anything but after time I did get it.I have one very distinctive memory my mum was cooking and asked my dad to let me read him a story as I was at the stage when I was starting to read, so I sat on his lap to read with him. I got stuck on a word and my dad lost patience with me shouted and shoved me to the floor. Needless to say neither my mother or me asked for help again. The eldest also got paid to go to Uni (even all the way to America) but there was no money left for me to go (I thankfully found somewhere closer to home). She also got a 100K towards a house but myself and the other half slaved to get our 10% deposit together.

Our family has issues, a lot of issues. We argue and all through growing up I wished my parents would divorce but I wouldn't change it for the world. I grew up into the lady I am today and I really like myself. Now I am an adult I get on really well with my sisters and probably spend more time with them than most people ever would. I meet my other half who showed me what a family can actually be like and I know when I bring up any children how I will and won't bring them up.

I do kinda wish my dad had more respect for me though I'm not looking for flying pigs anytime soon.