Other thread opened my eyes

Litchielou

Lessonlearned well done for opening up to your sister it must of been very difficult.
I went to my Father's funeral and wake for closure. The day after, that's when I felt I could live my life my way, I hope this happens to you. It's as though his shadow was no longer over me.

Big hugs and keep strong on the day xx

moneyistooshorttomention

LessonLearned - thinking of you.

It must have been very difficult to be on the receiving end of those requests for "nice little stories" - knowing how things have actually been with your father.

At least she knows now - and maybe it will help the relationship between the two of you now that's no longer hidden.

Stay strong - I know you are a strong person. (((( ))))).

monnagran

Oh my goodness, I feel terrible for all the sadness you have all lived with for so long. Yet here you are, all lovely people, all trying so hard to make sense of it all and all still trying to do the right thing.

Lessonlearned, come Friday we will all be sending you supportive vibes. If you wobble just think of us willing you on.

I will light a candle and pray like mad.

x

System

The thing is, when you have been bought up as a failure and someone to constantly put down/leech off is the fact that even when they have gone, you still feel a failure.

I love compliments (as we all do no doubt) but instead of fanning my ego, they just dont sink in. I need reassurance that i am loved and treasured often.

Its sad.

spirit

lessonlearned wrote: »

Spirit....what a brave person you are. What a sorry tale. My heart goes out to you.

Spent the day with my sister, we talked a lot. I think it was good and it did clear the air a bit. She was shocked at some of my revelations about how dad had treated me. I am 11 years older than her, so there's a lot she didn't know. Hopefully now she will be a bit more understanding about why I feel so conflicted.

She has repeatedly asked me to contribute some nice little stories for dad's eulogy. In the end I had to tell her there were no nice stories. I simply have no happy or fond memories, not one.

At first she found this difficult to believe but after our talk I think she finally got a clearer picture of how things have been all these years and why I have kept a healthy distance.

After much deliberation I have decided I will go the funeral and I will put in an appearance at the wake, although I may not stay long. I am still dreading it but I think I will feel worse if I don't go. At least I will have done my duty and shown my resoect, which is more than he did for my Late husband - my father refused to attend my husband's funeral.

Hey ho.....at least I will feel I've "done the right thing"

My stomach is still in knots - hopefully I'll start to get better after the funeral.

LL thank you, I think you are far braver than me. It's very sad - about the BIB and agree about the second BIB.


You will be able to put this to bed I think afterwards.

determined_new_ms

lessonlearned wrote: »

Wow....what an interesting thread and it couldn't have come at a better time for me.......I shall use it as therapy.:o

Determined New MS. You make some fascinating points about "complicated grief". I am now in exactly this position. It is my dad's funeral this coming Friday and I'm quietly dreading it.

My dad was a very difficult man, my sister was his favourite and he suffered from Narcissitic Personality disorder. He was a very vain and shallow man. He rejected me at first because I was born with a livid red birthmark on my face. I was "imperfect" so I didn't fit his image or world view. My sister on the other hand is the family beauty so she was acceptable.

This is not my imagination. Over the years I never said a word to either my husband or my children but they noticed the difference in the way my father treated my sister and I. This even extended to the way he treated my sisters child and my own children. He doted on her daughter and largely ignored my sons.

He died on 30th December and even though i visited him in hospital daily he was vile to me, even shouting at me. The day before he died I tried to hold his hand and he snatched it away.

He was all over my sister, telling her he loved her and thanking her for everything .........he barely spoke to me. He would just lie there with his eyes closed or he would avoid eye contact.

Yes my grief is "complicated".

Since he died I have felt terrible, with an IBS flare up, headaches, fibromyalgia etc. I am going to wait until after the funeral and see how I feel. Maybe see a counsellor and talk through my feelings.

I lost my husband just 2.5 years ago and my mum two years in March. I miss them dreadfully but at least the grief was pure and clean with only happy memories of good times.

With dad's death all I feel is emptiness and a certain relief. I did wonder if I would feel guilt but I can truthfully say I don't. I dont really feel anything.

Parents can do so much damage can't they.

Thanks for starting this thread. It has been really helpful to me to read all your stories and know that I'm not a freak and I'm not alone.

hugs x all of the confusing & complicated feelings passed but it probably took me about 8 months to come to terms with it all - as I say there was a lot that all came together for me. In the end I came to accept that she loved me in the best way she could, albeit limited and often cruel. I found it better for me emotionally to believe she loved me but had many limitations and to forgive her. In my opinion you did the right thing visiting your father despite his behaviour. I felt terrible guilt as I hadn't seen my mother for maybe 6 years before she died.

The angry stage was the worst and I found myself getting to boiling point with anger over the most trivial things poor man at the post office got my wrath one day because he DARED to question me on my parcel :rotfl:

lessonlearned

Poor Mr Post Office Guy.....:rotfl: still I guess we all do it sometimes.

One of my closest friends came to visit me today. She was away on holiday when dad died and this is the first opportunity we've had for a get together.

She is one of the few people I know in real life who has shared our experience. She had the mother from hell. So I knew that she understand me and that I could talk freely with her, that she would have pearls of wisdom to impart and big hugs to dispense.

Anyway we had a great chat and I feel so much better now. She will be coming to the funeral, she is a wonderful and very supportive friend.

I told her she was better than any therapist......she said she would send her bill.:rotfl:

Just being able to unburden myself and confide in her has helped me so much. She has suggested that we have a Spa day in a few weeks (as part of my recuperation programme........;) and in the meantime we are going to see La La Land next week.

Just what the doctor ordered.

I realise that I've probably got several tricky months ahead and that a couple of outings isn't going to make all the hurt magically disappear but it's a good start on my road to recovery.

I am very tired now so just going to try and have a rest and then cook a nice healthy dinner and then an easy night.

I have booked a massage for tomorrow which should help ease the fibromyalgia and help me relax.

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and support.

Litchielou

Lessonlearned what a good friend you have, enjoy that spa day.

When I started this thread didn't think, this many people felt like me.
We are all strong.
Judi I know what you mean I don't know how to act if anyone pays me a compliment, but secretly enjoy them. My DH tells me every day that he loves me and how beautiful I am. Even after 37 years I play these down. (He is so good to me) it's funny how your feelings from childhood even after all these years effect your actions. xx

LameWolf

Judi wrote: »

The thing is, when you have been bought up as a failure and someone to constantly put down/leech off is the fact that even when they have gone, you still feel a failure.

I love compliments (as we all do no doubt) but instead of fanning my ego, they just dont sink in. I need reassurance that i am loved and treasured often.

Its sad.

Exactly this ^ ^

To this day, if someone offers me a compliment, I assume they're taking the pi$$.

First thing I ever did wrong was to be conceived. (I found out in my 30s that my mother was in denial about being pregnant right up to the day I was born).
Second thing I did wrong was to be born a left-handed female; both these traits made me unacceptable.
Add to that a "father" (if I should call him that - I think of him as "that evil b*****d") who was a child molester of the worst kind (though as far as I'm aware I was his only victim)....

Suffice to say I've had nowt to do with any of my blood relatives since 2002; I heard through a friend of one of his clients that my "father" died in 2005, and to this day I have never shed a single tear for him, nor am I likely to.

Bitter? MOI??

lessonlearned

Yes its hard to jettison those feelings of inadequacy and learn how to accept compliments in the spirit that they are given. I didn't realise just how rude and ungracious I was until a very dear friend took me to task about this.

Apparently when anyone told me I looked nice more often than not I would answer with a long garbled explanation, trying to justify myself saying that I had bought the dress or whatever in a sale. I was always extremely defensive.

I probably came over as being passive aggressive, not intentionally but because compliments made me feel very uncomfortable and I just didn't know how to respond. I just didn't know any better.

My friend did me a real favour by pointing out how I came across and I had to make a real conscious effort to learn how to be gracious and to just smile and say thank you.

I think one of the legacies we "unwanted" or unloved ones have had to deal with is we have had to unlearn the habits and coping strategies we taught ourselves as children.

I know I became very prickly and also very adept at hiding my feelings and emotions, Learning never to shed tears in front of my father because this only enraged him. Better to feign indifference than risk exacerbating his vile temper. Of course this only gained me a reputation for being "cold" and unfeeling. So a no win situation for me. :rotfl:

Sometimes these habits are so ingrained it can be hard to break them. It takes real thought and concerted effort to unlearn destructive behaviour patterns.

I was helped by both my husbands to become more confident and to value my self worth and of course it was my own children who taught me the real joys of parenthood, how to love unconditionally and without fear.

It might not sound much but I consider my happy marriage and my wonderful children as my greatest achievements.

I don't feel bitterness but I do feel sadness for that little girl (me) who was so lost and confused and who endured such a lonely and sad childhood.

These last few weeks since my father's death have been very painful, with sad memories coming back to taunt me, with flashbacks and relived traumas.

But this thread has really helped me confront some of those old demons. I have spent the last couple of days reading up about conflicted grief and I have opened up to my sister and my dear friend who visited me today.

I feel "lighter" and a lot more positive as a result. So a big thank you for starting this thread and pointing me on the road to recovery.

I feel better already. I'm going to make it.