Other thread opened my eyes

determined_new_ms

I would say you should continue visiting as often as you are able to/want to/are comfortable with. I had a very complex relationship with my mother, mental health issues and substance abuse and I suffered significant abuse as a child from her. In my 20s I estranged myself from her, although I did occasionally have contact with her, but as her mh still wasn't stable at times she continued to subject me to abuse although by this point it would be verbal/emotional and the option of physical violence was no longer possible.

She died in June 2015 and this had a significant impact on me. I fell to pieces and ended up taking over a year off of work. (there were a series of events that lead to my breakdown - I was sacked suddenly and as I was driving home I received the call my mother had died, my daughter has now been diagnosed with a serious mental health problem but we had had terribly traumatic times with her for a prolonged period coming to a head when we ended up taking custody of our 11 month old dgd about 1 year before "that" day". After this prolonged difficult period losing my job and my mother within an hour of each other floored me and I knew I could take no more)

They say complicated grief is much harder to process and I don't have anything to measure it against but I know how hard it was to come to terms with my mother's death, her feelings & treatment towards me, my feelings and obligations to her and whether I neglected them and also her mental health caused me lots of pain, confusion & sadness

monnagran

Litchielou, you are a lovely person with a giving nature and a conscience. We all probably feel angry on your behalf and want you to stop kowtowing to your mother and get some relief from the sadness and resentment that you, quite understandably, feel.

Unfortunately, this will only add guilt to the burdens that are already weighing you down.
As you say that her time is limited and this is not going to be an unbearable situation for too much longer could I suggest that you grit your teeth knowing that this will pass.

It may help if you stop thinking of her as your mother and pretend that she is just another needy old woman and you are her paid (if only) carer.

Just act the part. It takes all the heat out of the situation. You will then be able to bypass the hurt and take on the exasperated tolerance that we would all feel for a difficult client.
You can also come on here and report the latest outrage with some amusement........

" You'll never guess what she's done now!"

" What do you think she said to me today?"

I can't think of any other way of get through this intolerable time.

This is a problem as old as time. On the garden fence thread we have a saying, "Chin up. Tits out." Try it.

btw, I am the adoptive mother who would have handed her teenage son over to his birth mother without a second thought.
Don't get the wrong impression, he still drives me mad and if he was in trouble and needed me I would walk barefoot over hot coals to get to him. Love's a funny thing.

x

Litchielou

Tears in my eyes for all your support.
Yes I will see it out to the end and as monnagran says chin up chest out (except I have no tits ha ha)
Not going until tomorrow night 5.30-7.30 xx

Art_Deco

Its hard isnt it, we have a similar situation with my husbands mother favouring his younger brother and his children. Not only with presents, but not being interested in our boys, never going to sports days, birthday parties,etc, never asking about them, and that does hurt, they are older now and have never expected anything so were never disappointed ,strange folk.

Mojisola

Litchielou wrote: »

I know what everyone means about how she talks about me or my brothers to her friends.

I took her the hospital last week we get back to her house and her sister came around (lovely lady wish she had been my mum) and all she talked about was how my eldest brother phoned to find out how she had gone on and how my youngest brother was phoning later (he didn't).

Me and my husband are taking early retirement soon and he's told me NOT to go any more than I do now.

monnagran wrote: »

Just act the part. It takes all the heat out of the situation. You will then be able to bypass the hurt and take on the exasperated tolerance that we would all feel for a difficult client.

You can also come on here and report the latest outrage with some amusement........

" You'll never guess what she's done now!"

" What do you think she said to me today?"

I can't think of any other way of get through this intolerable time.

In addition to monnagran's 'release valve' comments which will be very therapeutic, consider sometimes saying "I can't do X for you - you'd better ask brother A or B - they do things so much better than me" or something similar.

You also need to take your OH's feelings into account - while you want to put your mother first whatever effect it has on you, he's your partner and deserves some consideration as well.

Vates

What a difficult situation. Offers some *hugs*. I was always second best to my older Sister when growing up. I did think part of it might be in my imagination (as I suffer from mental illness) but when having a recent chat with my Auntie she said similar things and that she didn't like how my Sister was often favoured over me when we were children. Overall my parents were loving and caring though and I am grateful for how I was raised until my teenage years.

culpepper

If a person negatively affects your life, remove yourself from their presence.

My adult children have never met mine.
She made it quite plain in a letter she wrote to me, that OH and I could either do as she said or she was not going to consider herself related and I thought fine, tore up the letter and never contacted her again.
It was the best thing I ever did.
My kids know what she is like (she is in her 90's and in a home) and have seen the effect she has had on my siblings and neither have expressed a wish to meet her.

Litchielou

Monnagran you are a brave lady to post your feelings, this made me open my eyes to my situation.
I am not a negative person in any other part of my life. So I'm sure just like you that dislike/hate/funny love can be a taboo topic. I will see this to the end but now hopefully on my terms.
xx

dktreesea

My mother is the type of woman that has to exclude someone in order to feel - I'm not sure - a sense of power, a vent for the general bitterness and fury she felt about her really quite privileged life? Looking back - I was the one who was excluded - it made for a miserable childhood.


At the moment she is contemplating leaving her assets to my brother and very little to me because she says I'm ill and she wouldn't want my OH getting the money. I'm very non committal when these kinds of issues arise. I think she can sense I'm pretty neutral towards her, even indifferent at times and I can tell it makes her furious. But hey, you reap what you sow.


We've never really liked each other as people, - she says now she was jealous of how close I was to my brother growing up. I just can't be bothered. Life's too short. Fortunately we are not within travelling distance of each other, so all of this happens in emails or over the phone.

fuddle

Litchielou act in a way that protects yourself. I had a rough time with my alcoholic mother and all through the process I have tried to act in a way that will see me not hanging on to negative emotions when she's gone. She died 3 months ago and although I did well in my quest for not guilt etc, I was extremely upset with her when she died and we weren't really talking.

I am annoyed at myself for just not being able to cope that bit more and then the niggling feelings of leaving on not so good terms wouldn't be there. Still, I have done well in protecting myself so I would say that you do whatever you can to make sure you are ok in the long term.

It's so difficult because we're damned if we do and damned if we don't.