Other thread opened my eyes

Primrose

Maybe your husband is right and you need to backtrack now and let your siblings take more responsibility before you make a total rod for your own back.
Perhaps invent an illness that makes it difficult for you to do as much as you have done in the past and tell your mother and brothers that they will have to do more.
If your mother thinks so much of your husband, perhaps get him to tell her that you are unwell and she will have to ask her two sons to do more.


I know there are many cases to the contrary but it does seem to be common practice that the girl in the family is always expected to do all the parental caring while the men sit back and do little. Perhaps you just have to force the issue now. If you are going to become increasingly resentful over this, it's time to lever back and let your brothers take some responsibility, but you will have to be more assertive about this happening.

NewShadow

It reminds me of that old saying (think it's victorian) - a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.

It depends on the person, but it seems we (as a society) assume daughters will take on the bulk of the caring role - because that's what we do.

Same as getting no credit for working full time, raising the kids, and doing the bulk of the housework - it's just our job!

You know what they say... can't live with'em, can't lock'em in the attic.

GreyQueen

NewShadow wrote: »

You know what they say... can't live with'em, can't lock'em in the attic.

Actually, you can, but it's generally frowned upon in polite society.

I'm blessed in my relationship with my own mother, but she had a troubled relationship with her mother (who was actually a foster mother). The same thing as the OP, really. Grandma had two older biological sons, married with children, sun shone from their proverbials.

Mum, married with children and with no relations of her own, did all the caring, nursed both her foster parents thru terminal cancer, as well as having two children under five, all by age 27. And we were poor as church-mice and living in an isolated village with no transport. Had Grandma living with us for the last couple of years.

Mum reward was a lot of emotional blackmail, including Grandma deciding Mum & Dad shouldn't have a second child and being very hostile to my brother as a youngster. Thank gawd we were only six and four when she passed - I can remember her but he can't.

Mum's reward (there was beggar-all gratitude when it was going on) was £50 as an inheritance (the overseas son got the price of a house btw and the other son got a nearly-new car which Grandma had just inhertited a few months prior to her own death).

That car would have been life-changing for my parents at the time, the son who inherited it already had a car, just a less-new one.

moneyistooshorttomention

To me - I am wondering if, at some level, you feel that if you keep on acting this way towards her that she will change her mind and think "Aw Litchielou is a lovely person/treats me well and I really should appreciate her more. I will start treating her differently right now and appreciate this".

That would work if people acted logically. Many don't. This mother obviously doesn't. She is clearly "set in stone" acting the way she does and would need a "road to Damascus" type revelation to start acting differently. The illogical thinkers amongst us (ie that would include this mother then) are most unlikely to have any such "revelation" and will therefore carry right on acting the way they do indefinitely.

Maybe, when younger, one tries to change people that act in a way they shouldn't. As one gets older - then you realise that you're wasting your breath trying and they will either "see sense" of themselves or they won't.

I'm in a very different context (non-personal) and can see people acting illogically and therefore treating some people badly and wasting money. I came to the conclusion there is no point in trying to change them - one just has to "block the effects" of their actions as far as possible.

With people acting in an illogical way - you just have to anticipate how they are likely to act. Then you "distance" yourself from it and block their actions from affecting you as far as you can.

Translated into your context = have as little to do with her as possible. Ask yourself what you might be hoping to achieve by maintaining current level of contact with her and, realistically, what the chances are of achieving it. From what you say - I don't rate the odds of you managing to achieve anything with her.

Pollycat

Litchielou
I think if your Mum is upsetting you so much, I really would have a good think about what your husband says about cutting her negativity out of your lives.

You don't have to look after her just because she's your Mother - I'm sure there'll be posters who disagree with that but when you have a difficult relationship with your mother (I have and still do), it's very hard.

I might have suggested that your Mother is possibly narcissistic but as she seems to treat your 2 brothers and their families different to you and yours I'm not sure if this applies.

My friend's Mother is a nightmare.
No matter what she does for her, it's not good enough.
I printed this off for her and when her Mum has been particularly vile, she takes it out and ticks which ones apply and she says it makes her feel better that it's not her at fault and in a way it tempers her anger at the way her Mum treats her as it's probably something she cant help.

[FONT=&quot]Are You a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother? Take This Brief Survey to Find Out.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. McBride’s book.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)[/FONT]

1. [FONT=&quot]When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?[/FONT]
2. [FONT=&quot]When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?[/FONT]
3. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother act jealous of you?[/FONT]
4. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?[/FONT]
5. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother"?[/FONT]
6. [FONT=&quot]Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?[/FONT]
7. [FONT=&quot]Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?[/FONT]
8. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?[/FONT]
9. [FONT=&quot]When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?[/FONT]
10. [FONT=&quot]Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbours, friends, family, co-workers)?[/FONT]
11. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother deny her own feelings?[/FONT]
12. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?[/FONT]
13. [FONT=&quot]Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?[/FONT]
14. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?[/FONT]
15. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?[/FONT]
16. [FONT=&quot]Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?[/FONT]
17. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?[/FONT]
18. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel your mother was critical of you?[/FONT]
19. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?[/FONT]
20. [FONT=&quot]Are you shamed often by your mother?[/FONT]
21. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel your mother knows the real you?[/FONT]
22. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?[/FONT]
23. [FONT=&quot]Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?[/FONT]
24. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother appear phony to you?[/FONT]
25. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother want to control your choices?[/FONT]
26. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?[/FONT]
27. [FONT=&quot]Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?[/FONT]
28. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?[/FONT]
29. [FONT=&quot]Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?[/FONT]
30. [FONT=&quot]Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?[/FONT]
31. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?[/FONT]
32. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother compete with you?[/FONT]
33. [FONT=&quot]Does your mother always have to have things her way?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.[/FONT]

Litchielou

Thank you for all your replies they all say what I want to do but I feel it's my duty, that's me being stupid. Pollycat every question is spot on to how I feel or she acts.
This may come across as nasty and unfeeling but the illness she is suffering from means she will not be here much longer. (Shock to her as she has not been to the doctors for over 30 years) so now she is unbearable. I will carry on not for a medal or even inheritance (I am not expecting anything) but when she is gone I will know I've tried and that will make me feel better.
I think I posted this thread as I couldn't tell anyone outside of my family.. xx

Pollycat

I hope getting it off your chest - and realising that you're not the only one whose Mother is not the nicest person - has made you feel a little better.

Litchielou

Yes Pollycat it has, I think I've always known that other mums are fantastic. My MIL is brilliant I'm the daughter she never had. See her quite often. xx

moneyistooshorttomention

Well - that's one thing. You have a blessing there - with that MIL of yours.

It would be so much worse if you had 2 mothers like this and I expect many people do.

But you do have one mother - your MIL. It's worth a lot to have a good MIL.

Mojisola

Litchielou wrote: »

This may come across as nasty and unfeeling but the illness she is suffering from means she will not be here much longer.

when she is gone I will know I've tried and that will make me feel better.

If she is in her last years, her care needs will only get worse - don't get drawn into doing more and more. Make sure she gets professional carers rather than relying on you.

It's no good knowing that you did your best for her if the stress leaves you ill.