Other thread opened my eyes

monnagran

As Fuddle says, all we can do is protect ourselves. In the face of this abuse, and make no mistake this behaviour by your mother is exactly that, abuse, we have to protect ourselves as best we can.
I do know something of fuddle's story and I can say here and now that she has absolutely nothing to chide herself about. She always went the extra mile for her mother and I am thankful that she is still whole herself.

Litchielou, I will be thinking of you at 5.30 today.
Remember..... she is not your mother any more, just a cantankerous client that you have to deal with. Before you go in, step into your new persona - cool, efficient and detached.
If she has hospital appointments to keep, ask, in a disinterested way, if she has made any arrangements to be taken there. She will almost certainly indicate that she expects you to do it, so make it plain that you may be able to IF YOU ARE ASKED.
In future, anything you do for her will be a concession not an obligation.

Two hours seems a long time to spend with her, is there any reason for that? I see no problem with looking at your watch and saying that it is time you were off, saying when you will see her again and leaving.

It's a matter of taking a huge, mental step away from her.

Come on. You can do this.

Picture all your new friends here clustered round you cheering you on.

Chin up ...........

x
.

[Deleted User]

I had a horrendous relationship with my mother, was much closer to my grandmother.

Mother never praised me or my children, but a work colleagues children were praised to the heights and received money from her when they passed exams etc.

I walked away and never regretted it. My eldest daughter and youngest son did a lot for her in her last days, their reward......nowt she left all her money to the cats protection league, she hated cats!!

I could go on for hours about what she did and how she treated people. If anyone when to visit her she asked them what they wanted.......expected them to make their own cup of tea, it got so bad that finally even the work colleague stopped going.......excuse this but my mother was an evil !!!!!.

maryb

I know they say you have to forgive, both as a Christian virtue and, more practically, as a way to move on. The nearest I can get to it is mild grousing resentment when I think about it which I try not to do too often.

Litchielou

The reason I go for 2 long hours is I live 10 miles away thank goodness. Good news I won't be going today as it's very foggy and forecast to get worse, I have to drive through country lanes to get to hers.
I have noticed that everyone who has issues with theres calls her Mother but those close its Mum.
So tonight me and my husband (so proud to call him that) will have a stir fry and glass of wine.
Then will read my book that's how Mondays should be.
Take care thank you for your support xx

lessonlearned

Wow....what an interesting thread and it couldn't have come at a better time for me.......I shall use it as therapy.:o

Determined New MS. You make some fascinating points about "complicated grief". I am now in exactly this position. It is my dad's funeral this coming Friday and I'm quietly dreading it.

My dad was a very difficult man, my sister was his favourite and he suffered from Narcissitic Personality disorder. He was a very vain and shallow man. He rejected me at first because I was born with a livid red birthmark on my face. I was "imperfect" so I didn't fit his image or world view. My sister on the other hand is the family beauty so she was acceptable.

This is not my imagination. Over the years I never said a word to either my husband or my children but they noticed the difference in the way my father treated my sister and I. This even extended to the way he treated my sisters child and my own children. He doted on her daughter and largely ignored my sons.

He died on 30th December and even though i visited him in hospital daily he was vile to me, even shouting at me. The day before he died I tried to hold his hand and he snatched it away.

He was all over my sister, telling her he loved her and thanking her for everything .........he barely spoke to me. He would just lie there with his eyes closed or he would avoid eye contact.

Yes my grief is "complicated".

Since he died I have felt terrible, with an IBS flare up, headaches, fibromyalgia etc. I am going to wait until after the funeral and see how I feel. Maybe see a counsellor and talk through my feelings.

I lost my husband just 2.5 years ago and my mum two years in March. I miss them dreadfully but at least the grief was pure and clean with only happy memories of good times.

With dad's death all I feel is emptiness and a certain relief. I did wonder if I would feel guilt but I can truthfully say I don't. I dont really feel anything.

Parents can do so much damage can't they.

Thanks for starting this thread. It has been really helpful to me to read all your stories and know that I'm not a freak and I'm not alone.

monnagran

lessonlearned. Oh, you poor, poor love. I can't think of anything much else to say.

Do get some counselling, I'm sure it will help. If you have to wait for an appointment a helpful thing to do is to get a nice big writing pad, sit down and write down everything that has happened to you and all your thoughts and feelings. Typing on a computer doesn't seen to help as much as physically forming the words with your own hand. It doesn't matter what you write, no one is going to see it apart from you.
Just pour everything out onto the paper.

Last thing....be very, very kind to yourself. Pamper and cosset yourself the way that your selfish father should have adored you.
It Is his loss that he was unable to do it for you and your blessing that you will find the way to heal yourself and the little child that still lives in you.

Love and prayers.

x

lessonlearned

Thank you monnogran ........your post made me cry.

Yes I'm doing my best to "pamper and cosset" myself. I've got Physio this afternoon to help with the fibro.

Oddly enough I have just started a journal, you're right it does seem to help. It seems to help me sleep better. I think I will feel better after the funeral.

I am seeing a friend for coffee tomorrow. She had a difficult relationship with her mother. She knows all about my dad so I can talk freely to her.

I will give myself a few weeks and see how I go but I will see a counsellor if necessary.

Litchielou

Lessonlearned my Father died over 15 years ago and I never mourned his passing. Never cried at his funeral. Keep strong remember it's your life, live it to the full. It's funny how stress makes our body react. Hope your IBS gets better soon and if you need counseling take it.
When he died because of his treatment of me (physical violence, chucked out of house etc)I had bitten my nails since I was a young child the day he died was the last time I bit my nails, they are beautifully manicured now, painted bright pink.
It's funny how parents treat each child, I hope and think I do treat my children the same they are our best friends and we are the first they turn to if they have a problem or even if they just want to tell us anything.
It's funny how our thoughts are confusing to how we feel and act. I have been so touched that so many people of sent messages of support from thinking I was alone in this situation. My husband and children know and support me keeping me sane, making me laugh etc.
I have just phoned and said I won't be coming as it's foggy her reply ok see you next week, 33second phone call. Ha ha
Big hugs to everyone who is in this situation, we can get over this we are strong people. We now know we are not freaks. As the saying goes you can choose your friends but not your family.
xx

DavidF

Lessonlearned reading your post makes me sad. I didn't have the issues you have had with your dad, But I can say that the end of my mum's life was for want of a better word very very draining. I did everything in my power to "save" her, felt tremendous guilt at not being able to save her...none of it made sense as I literally did everything I could and it was nature and illness that took it's toll on her frail body. I felt guilty for a long time, I used to beat myself up over decisions i took and actions i took. I went to counseling and it REALLY helped. My advice is try to get through the days ahead with dignity and peace. Put a face on if you have to, just make sure that inside YOU are contented...well as contented as you will allow anyway. Try not to bite and refuse to accept any extra stress if at all possible. Do not beat yourself up over stuff that you couldn't change in the past and certainly can't change now. Do go for that counseling, I found it to be therapeutic and also it kind of lifts the fog, If that makes sense.

lessonlearned

Loving the perfectly manicured pink nails. Well done you.

And well done on that phone call.

You are right we will get over this. And I do console myself that I am a far better parent than he was. I too have a great relationship with my boys.

My own happy family life with my late husband and my fab boys more than made up for my less than idyllic childhood. I have no hang ups on that score.

Perhaps rather than seeing a counsellor I should treat myself to a nice spa visit .....and some serious pampering. :rotfl:.

My darling husband used to have a wonderful saying "that was then and this is now, that is our karma".

I have largely been responsible for dealing with dad's estate - my sister is not very good at that kind of thing. I have spent the last couple of weeks dealing with dad's paperwork, and have now passed everything over to his solicitor.

So now, after the funeral. I am done and I can just walk away from it all, my sister can go through his personal effects, there is nothing I want in the way of momentos or sentimental value.

I really don't have any happy memories of him so I don't feel I want any "reminders". I have already asked the boys and they have no interest whatsoever. They will carry his coffin as a mark of respect but that's it really.

It's sad in a way isnt it that we won't really mourn his passing .......but as my husband would say it's karma.

I guess it's true, we really do reap as we sow.