Other thread opened my eyes

[Deleted User]

When things are ended and life is sorted out from whatever problems with relationships are current in your lives just think that small triumphant thought that you actually have a 'new beginning', a place to mark an ending of what was and a place to move on from in a new and more contented life that can be as YOU make it. The relation with whom you've had the problem however will still presumably be in the same place and in the same mind set but will have no power over you, no influence in your chosen life, be happy!

monnagran

Litchielou, you couldnt make it up, could you?
At least your brother is stirring his stumps and doing something.

As your mother obviously makes a habit of being nice ABOUT you and only horrid TO you, perhaps she does the same to your brothers, praises them to the skies to others and gives them a hard time face to face?

Anyway, let's hear it for backbones!

Ooh Spirit! you'll have me blushing.

sugarbaby125

LL it is amazing how siblings can show their true colours when money is involved. One of my sister's had to divide the £12,000 plus that was left by my Mother with the Local Authority. My Mother lived her last years in a Care Home, so we were none of us expecting her to have anything. There were 9 of her children still alive. When my sister made the payments into our bank accounts, I was surprised to find I had not received mine, so I sent her a text to let her know. I got a text reply that was so abusive, that I was shocked to my core and I ended up in tears. Her excuse was to try to say that I was lying about not receiving the money, but it turned out that one of my other sisters had not received hers either. My relationship with my sister who had the responsibility of sharing out the money has never recovered. I have never felt the same about her. Over the last 5 years, I have had less and less contact with her. I made the mistake of visiting her in Birmingham last year and yet again she was very inhospitable to me, and really lovely to my other sister.

I am going to Birmingham at the end of March for a long weekend and I decided to stay in a Hotel for my 3 night stay to ensure that I really enjoy my time in Birmingham.

LL you have made all of the right decisions for your own peace of mind and to ensure you have a future that is not caught up in the stress of dealing with your sister.

LitchieLou you have come so far in dealing with your Mother. I am inordinately proud of you taking back control and standing up to your Mother. :j It is so liberating for you not to pander to your Mother's whims, and you have grown in strength as each day has passed. Hurrah!!! A great retirement is just over the horizon for you. Enjoy!!!!

lessonlearned

Hi Sugarbaby.....sorry for not replying, just caught up with this.

Yes you are so right about how money affects some people and the upsets it can cause.

The whole issue has made my question myself......

I have been doing some soul searching too. I have examined my conscience, queried my own motives and thought processes. Am I guilty of greed too. Am I just as bad as my sister.

I told my son I was not going to fight her......if she makes an offer then fair enough ...if she doesn't then I'll just let it go. I am not going to get down in the gutter with her and slug it out.

It means that she will receive £50k more than me but do you know what I just don't care any more. My son wants me to fight but I have decided against it.

What really upset me the most in all this is that because of her and my father's actions my mother's wishes have been overturned. That's what really gets to me.

The solicitor came up with a solution which meant that my sister should relinquish some but would still get £20k more than me. I was more than happy for her to get the extra. I had no problem with that. I felt that mum would see the fairness in that and be content.

As i said before the scales have now fallen from my eyes and I see her as she really is and not how I want her to be.

It's painful of course but in a way it sets me free. I am no longer the "little mother" - I am now just her sister.

I can let go - she is not my responsibility and I no longer have to try and protect her and look after her.

I am free of that burden.

lessonlearned

Litchielou......just a few days now.

How exciting.

Let the good times roll.

Litchielou

Thankyou LL I finish work on Wednesday it doesn't feel real at the moment.
Had a family meal with our children and grandchildren last night, they got us a present
of a garden gnome (Doris). Plaques with funny quotes and DIL gave me a beautiful bracelet.
Where these people are concerned I am truly blessed.
Middle granddaughter 9 made a comment to the others, thinking none of us were listening
'Glad it's just us and grandma wasn't here as she would spoil the party' out of the mouths of babes.
Lots of plans this week, an all expenses meal for everyone from my work, and what was going to be a small get together for drinks with DH colleagues has turned into a big party with over 120 now coming he has worked there for 43 years.
Do you think I could loose 3stone before Friday to get in a new top.

Still only going 1 day a week to Mothers. Feeling now as though I can't be bothered but will keep going until the end.

So glad you are being strong where your sister is concerned. It's funny how it takes a while to see
the truth about others.

Take care everyone xx

PinkMonster

Hello.

I am another daughter with a narcissist mother and oldest sister. How much time do you have?

I'm the youngest of 7, from 3 marriages - both my parents were married before marrying each other. She married him because she didn't want to be alone and have to work. Sound familiar? They fought for 36 years.

My mother was always selfish, self-centered, everything revolved around her. I learned very quickly even as a small child to never make them mad. And that only perfection in everything was acceptable , and anything less was a bad reflection on her. Also that we (my twin and I) weren't worth her time, attention or money unless we were perfect.

She became incredibly jealous of my godmother, supposedly her best friend because my godmother and I had a relationship after I became an adult. She learned when I was in my 20's that I wasn't going to blindly kowtow to her (I didn't speak to my parents for 6 years) and I realised quite quickly how much better life was when I moved to the UK to work and decided to stay.

So much of what you all have posted is so familiar and what I saw my sisters doing for their whole lives. My mother says 'oh, is that for me?' - they hand it over. Expected to stay for 9 hours for a birthday party? They stay. Don't see their own Dad because 'you either love him or me?'...

My Dad died in 2007. They are in Canada, and my husband of (then) 2 years and I flew back 3 weeks before he died and stayed until the end, then all hell broke loose. I was taking over, telling everyone else what to do, I was supposed to shut up and do what I was told -- this by her 3 older daughters, the oldest one in the lead, and the one we were staying with. My mother just kept trying to blackmail me into doing what everyone else wanted.

We were supposed to go see him when they did (he was in the hospital with terminal cancer) and hang around her house all day waiting for her husband to finish work and come home to drive us there. We didn't, we went when we wanted to and met up with them.

The family (10 of us) were all supposed to be joined at the hip to decide on the service, go to the crematorium together, and hubby and I were supposed to ask permission to book tickets to fly home. We didn't. I was threatened with being disowned by the 3 of them if I didn't toe the line.

My husband thought it was just the situation. He found out in 2009 it wasn't, that I'm supposed to shut up and do what I'm told and I'm not allowed an opinion, or feelings other than theirs'. That's when I was told I wasn't allowed to decide who saw my then 15 week old baby son, I was to show him off to whomever they chose.

We didn't see my mother or her oldest daughter after the 1st night we were there and I told them they didn't have the right to make decisions for me.

It took 6 months and a letter from me for my mother to apologise. My half-sister never has. The 3rd oldest simply stopped contacting to me. I'm expected to make all the effort to keep in touch because I'm the one that decided to move to the UK. The 2nd oldest one is a jellyfish who goes along with everyone and in the process usually !!!!es off everyone at some point. She still speaks to me.

Move on to 2015/16. My mother moves out of the home she's lived in for 50 years, doesn't tell me she sold it, or that she has terminal cancer - she left that to 2nd oldest (who didn't tell me the house was sold either). She died in Oct. The will states 'to be divided equally among my remaining children'. My 2nd oldest half-sister is the executrix. We didn't fly back before she died or attend the service 3 weeks later.

Laws in Canada are different than here - you can't disinherit a child, but there isn't a 7 year 'gift' law either. Now, the house sold for almost $1,000,000. I have my suspicions that most of the money from that was handed out before she died to the 3 of them and whatever is left will be divided as per the will...

I'd love to say that I parent differently than my parents did. In some ways I do, but I am stricter with my son than I realise sometimes. He's a bright kind boy who takes after his father and I try to have that influence him more than I do. Not sure I'm succeeding....

Litchielou

Pinkmonster at least you acknowledge how you bring up your son and have the where withal to try and change. Our childhood will always have an impact on life it's in your hands not sisters to do things differently.
Be strong.

We have now officially retired no contact with Mother today so will wait till Monday to see if she is pleased for us. Doubt it.
Xx

monnagran

Wow. I bet the champagne corks are a-popping.

The first day of the rest of your life. The best bit is still to come.

Still visiting once a week? Only when it is convenient I hope. To you, I mean, not to her

pinkmonster: If you have read through this thread you will have realised that your story is not unique. It's a relief, isn't it, to realise that it's not just you. You seem to have got things sorted in your own mind and have already taken the steps you need to thrive. Well done you.

At least if you are over here the toxic ones can't get at you so easily.

x.

maryb

You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free

I feel as if I have finally reached a point of letting go. She was always going to find it harder than most to control her behaviour because of how she was just wired wrong. She could have tried harder but she didn't try at all. It is what it is and now I finally feel it doesn't matter that much. I needn't have spent my life trying not to turn into my mother but I have been happily married for nearly 30 years and have two darling girls. They know they are loved and valued