Other thread opened my eyes

PinkMonster

Thanks, Litchie, Monnagran.

The last contact I had with the oldest one was a present she sent to my then 11 month old son. I emailed her and told her that she either talked to me about what went on when we were in Canada and apologised or not to contact me again.

My twin seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. My half-sister sent our addresses to a lawyer by email, which we all got (lovely) and my twin's address was 'unknown'. Hmm.... I don't have anything to do with her either, not since we were 19 and she stole quite a large amount of money from me (over several weeks) and it was my fault for having it to steal.

What's weird is that none of my mother's siblings are like she was. They all have good relationships with their children. It's strange, even her mother acknowledged her as being poor mother.

spirit

PinkMonster wrote: »

Hello.

I am another daughter with a narcissist mother and oldest sister. How much time do you have?



It took 6 months and a letter from me for my mother to apologise. My half-sister never has. The 3rd oldest simply stopped contacting to me. I'm expected to make all the effort to keep in touch because I'm the one that decided to move to the UK. The 2nd oldest one is a jellyfish who goes along with everyone and in the process usually !!!!es off everyone at some point. She still speaks to me.

Move on to 2015/16. My mother moves out of the home she's lived in for 50 years, doesn't tell me she sold it, or that she has terminal cancer - she left that to 2nd oldest (who didn't tell me the house was sold either). She died in Oct. The will states 'to be divided equally among my remaining children'. My 2nd oldest half-sister is the executrix. We didn't fly back before she died or attend the service 3 weeks later.

Laws in Canada are different than here - you can't disinherit a child, but there isn't a 7 year 'gift' law either. Now, the house sold for almost $1,000,000. I have my suspicions that most of the money from that was handed out before she died to the 3 of them and whatever is left will be divided as per the will...

I'd love to say that I parent differently than my parents did. In some ways I do, but I am stricter with my son than I realise sometimes. He's a bright kind boy who takes after his father and I try to have that influence him more than I do. Not sure I'm succeeding....

Hugs ((hugs)) Pinkmonster, you are with kindred spirits here.


I never have had an apology from my mother for choosing a kiddly fiddler over me or my younger sister, despite phone calls to her and years later, a letter. She always said to my elder sister (who wasn't fiddled with and still speaks to her) that she can't understand why I don't speak to her. She's brushed it all under the carpet.


The attributes you mention, mirror almost perfectly those of my mother too. I'm sorry, it's not going to be much comfort to you now, but know that we understand.

PinkMonster

Spirit, the apology was: "I'm sorry, I didn't realise your boundaries were so rigid."

They *are* rigid because no one listens to me, funny that.

Every time my 2nd half-sister visits us (they dont' have kids) and she's 12 years older than I am, she asks us when we are coming to Canada to visit. The response is always the same "I don't know, we don't have the money." The reality is that we won't be visiting them in Canada again. The last time we went I was very clear that if what we decided to do and who we decided to see when wasn't accepted and anyone else butted in on our plans, we wouldn't be back. Guess what happened? plan a day with that sister - just the 5 of us, mother is there too.

I have far too many stories about my family, all with the same theme. "I get my own way, I don't care what you think or the consequences".

spirit

PinkMonster wrote: »

Spirit, the apology was: "I'm sorry, I didn't realise your boundaries were so rigid."

They *are* rigid because no one listens to me, funny that.

Every time my 2nd half-sister visits us (they dont' have kids) and she's 12 years older than I am, she asks us when we are coming to Canada to visit. The response is always the same "I don't know, we don't have the money." The reality is that we won't be visiting them in Canada again. The last time we went I was very clear that if what we decided to do and who we decided to see when wasn't accepted and anyone else butted in on our plans, we wouldn't be back. Guess what happened? plan a day with that sister - just the 5 of us, mother is there too.

I have far too many stories about my family, all with the same theme. "I get my own way, I don't care what you think or the consequences".

Feel free to share/vent on here, you will likely get a lot of empathy from us fellow sufferers.

PinkMonster

How has everyone been today?

I am self-employed so am always busy. Am hoping that we'll be able to sort hubby's teeth out, he has to either have one out or have a root canal that may not work.... we are leaning towards the extraction and then possibly a denture as we can then spread the cost out.

Other than that I'm trying to get rid of a cold, and get my back that's gone out of whack happier.... I may have to visit an osteopath, but again, money... our budget is quite tight, as our son goes to a private school. (yes, I expect to be shot now!) He'd be bored out of his skull at our local school, it's so over subscribed and he's very forward... taught himself to read at 2 1/2. He wants to know everything, and know it now. He's 8 going on 38...

We've lucked out though as we'll get about £120 back from our gas/electric supplier and they've dropped our payment by about £30 a month. Hopefully that will pay for hubby's teeth when the time comes.

Litchielou

First day of retirement and I got up at my normal time 7am, changed the bed and waited for a delivery of another gift from work lovely bistro set. Then I don't really know what I did but my day
went quite quick.
Picked DH up from work, tomorrow he will have the car he then come home early (he normally has a van, which has now gone back) We have now opened one of the bottles of bubbly I was given yesterday.
Tomorrow need to post thank you cards. Bake some cakes for grandchildren.
Try and make myself beautiful for DH leaving do.

At the moment we are chatting about things we want to do. Discussing if we should open the other bottle. Yes we have.

Take care xx

Floss

Litchielou you only retire once but don't forget to open 2 bottles when DH retires! Congratulations to both of you, and enjoy your new freedom xx

lessonlearned

Hi Pink Monster

Well done on "finding your voice"

What's that saying........When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

I found this thread when I was ready ......just at a point when I thought I was going to have to have some therapy.

In the end I didn't need it, this thread was all the therapy I needed.

I was ready to learn and grow, to see my life as it really was, to accept that my father was a narcissist, that my sister was his echo and that NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT.

The scales fell from my eyes and I was healed.

And it didn't cost me a penny in therapists fees. How cool is that. :rotfl: and it only took a couple of weeks. I could have been in therapy for months.

As MaryB says. "The truth shall set you free".

Pink. You have made a leap, you recognised that Non Apolgy for what it really was...... a ruse to make you feel bad under the guise of an apology. You have seen the truth.

Once you start spotting the machinations at work, then you can either circumvent them or simply chose to ignore them.

When you Learn to recognise when someone is "gaslighting" you then you are on the road to freedom.

Now that you can see your family for what they are you are on your way to closure and release.

I have "divorced" my sister......a burden has been lifted and I feel as light and as free as a bird.

You will too.

It takes a bit of work, some tears and some emotional pain but it's worth it.

lessonlearned

Litchielou......I have opened a bottle of red.....I shall raise my glass to you.

Litchielou

When I started this thread I in my ignorance thought it way just me that felt this way, I now realise that I am not alone, this has been like therapy (something I would never have gone too).

Ladies/Gentlemen please don't worry the sparkling wine will be flowing tomorrow ( don't like or can't afford Champagne). DH has just given me a lovely card which invites me to join in the fun of retirement and inside was a diamond necklace. I only got him a card. Better get up early and make him breakfast for his last day. He is my Bessie mate and rock.

Take care xx