Other thread opened my eyes

Litchielou

I have never understood what a narcissistic personality was until someone on this thread explained and that describes Mother.
Ladies/Gentlemen
It's funny (not ha ha) how we have not always seen how we are treated by others and have taken a while to see another narcissistic person.
Your way of dealing with these people are so clever and you have shown how strong you are, it gives me hope that I can stand up more. I will smile and say Yeah right from now on.

Take care love to you all xx

lessonlearned

YOu will Litchielou. Don't let her ruffle your feathers, just smile.

Passive resistance is a very powerful tool, just nod and smile and be serene. It will confuse her, she will be infuriated but it will be impotent rage. All bluster and hot air.

It takes a while but once the scales fall from our eyes we learn very quickly how to deal with the narc.

Now you know what you are up against you will learn how to handle your mother.

Knowledge is power.

Now you can take back the reins. She will no longer have any Power to control you. She will still try but now you have acquired the right tools to deal with her.

Stay strong, focus on you, your husband and enjoy your future retirement. You've earned it, it's your turn now.

maryb

I was talking to my sister yesterday and we both agreed we don't like the term 'suffers' from Narcissistic Personality Disorder - the suffering was what she inflicted. And it implies they have no responsibility - they do! They may not be able to change their personality but they can control their behaviour. I rounded on my mother once when she was in one of her violent rages and told her to control her vicious temper. She wasn't as bad again. Though the self justification/shifting blame game followed - just because she had been a little snappy etc why was I so oversensitive yadayada.

And they know not to go too far so as to spoil their public image as sweet and loving. But God help you if you ever let slip anything that happened at home

lessonlearned

Oh I agree Mary. They know exactly what they are doing.

I wasn't absolving them by any means. They are chameleons. They can modify their behaviour when it suits them, they just choose not to.

They are great at projecting a "persona". My father was a consumate actor.

When confronted he would dissemble and apologise and cry crocodile tears. Mea culpa. I used to watch and inwardly applaud yet another Oscar winning performance. I wasn't taken in, but a lot of people were. .

My father's public image was totally at variance with the private him that I had to endure. In public he could charm the birds off the trees. However sooner or later the mask would slip and his "new" friends would run a mile.

He always had lots of new friends but he couldn't sustain long term friendships. Even his brothers studiously stayed away.

lessonlearned

Re narcs choosing not to modify their behaviour.

Why should they, they are bullies so they behave badly to get what they want.

My mother was a classic Enabler. She colluded with him and made him worse.

On the rare occasion that she did challenge him he backed off immediately. If only she had challenged him more often he might have behaved differently. He could have been a much better person because he did actually have some admirable qualities, he wasn't all bad. He behaved monstrously at times but he wasn't a monster.

Although I did love my mum I was very disillusioned with her. I did go through a stage when I was young where I held her in contempt and despised her for being so weak. But eventually, with age comes wisdom, and my attitude softened and I forgave her weakness. It wasn't her fault she was frightened of him, he did that to her.

But it has to be said she made hardly any attempt to protect me from his rages or the way he treated me. Yes she would hug me and comfort me when he wasn't there but I came to realise that in many ways her parenting skills were no better than his. She should have protected me, that was her job and she failed to do it.

Hey ho, they are both dead now, it's all water under the bridge.

You can't turn back time but you can learn from the past. I vowed I would be a better parent. I think (I hope) I have succeeded.;)

Siebrie

What a very interesting thread. I thought my (adopted) sister might suffer from this, but on second thought, I think it's the adoption that's the cause of her controlling behaviour, not any disorder.

LessonLearned, if your sister does pay her 'fair share' of the land, and you don't want to keep the money, can you donate it to a charity your father loathed?

lessonlearned

:rotfl::rotfl:

Fab idea. Maybe I should consider myself as a charitable cause.

spirit

lessonlearned wrote: »

Oh I agree Mary. They know exactly what they are doing.

I wasn't absolving them by any means. They are chameleons. They can modify their behaviour when it suits them, they just choose not to.

They are great at projecting a "persona". My father was a consumate actor.

When confronted he would dissemble and apologise and cry crocodile tears. Mea culpa. I used to watch and inwardly applaud yet another Oscar winning performance. I wasn't taken in, but a lot of people were. .

My father's public image was totally at variance with the private him that I had to endure. In public he could charm the birds off the trees. However sooner or later the mask would slip and his "new" friends would run a mile.

He always had lots of new friends but he couldn't sustain long term friendships. Even his brothers studiously stayed away.

Exactly what my mother did and maybe still does, who knows.


She would go to her club and make out she was a sweet old lady and how Mrs so and so said what a lovely person she was.


Of course, she doctored the truth. she wasn't ever likely to tell them she married a kiddle fiddler and then chose him over 2 of her daughters would she.


Then over time (a very short time) she'd moan about mrs so and so by saying they were too nosey and wanted to know her business.


She even fell out with my elder sister's parents in law. Mother and 'IT' had moved over 100 miles away to be near sister's in laws (don't ask why lol) Then mother accused them of stealing some money - which they hadn't. So now, mother is not only widowed from IT, but the very people she moved to be near haven't spoken to her since the accusation.


karma

Pinkpetal

Litchielou wrote: »

I have just read a thread 'don't like my kids' this has made me realise that I dislike my
Mother,

I have read this with such sadness, very similar stories of my own.
I'm trying to understand my "Mother"
Which was the thread about the disliked kids plz.

spirit

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/02/narcissism-epidemic-self-obsession-attention-seeking-oversharing

This was written a year ago and The Trump gets a mention.