Other thread opened my eyes

spirit

Reading other posts, such as Monna's, I've just realised that my daughter in law is a narcissist.

Deep joy (I've had to block her on FB and her mobile number to stop the abusive messages. Unfortunately, she (with my son) will be at DD's 30th birthday dinner next Saturday.

Coping strategies anyone?

lessonlearned

Yes indeed, I do feel that you have all become friends.

And yes, it's been a long dark tunnel.

Spirit. I guess the best I can come up with is that you sit as far away from her as possible. :rotfl:

Its your DDS "do" her party, she is the one who should be allowed to shine. It's her night., so maybe try to ensure she's the one who gets the limelight and not let DIL steal her thunder.

kittydfw2012

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who shared their experience with difficult family members.

I have spent the past year processing the effects of 20 years of physical and mental abuse handed out by both parents. My mother is narcissistic (I ticked nearly every one of the questions in the questionnaire that was kindly posted) and she always tries to get me to say how wonderful a mother she was and validating her life choices. As I realised what was going on, I have stopped seeing her so much and in two weeks time will be moving house so I am further away. I think physical distance can be such a positive thing.

It is hard not to feel bad because that's what narcissists train you to do but I am going to live my life on my terms (I'm 44) from now on. I read Ariel Leve's book 'an abbreviated life' recently and in it she says simply, it's either her or me. I choose me.

It's a bit of a social no-no to speak badly of your mother so to see the subject being shared so openly and honestly is like a breath of much needed fresh air. Thank you all xx

monnagran

kitty: Some women are simply baby propagators. To be a mother requires love, self sacrifice, putting another human being first and your own interests last. Not every baby machine is capable of that.
It might be helpful to think of that person as your birth vessel, not your mother.

Spirit. Ugh! What a situation. Can you mentally place yourself in a different scenario. You are not you, you are a gracious hostess celebrating your DDs birthday.
Your DIL is not your DIL, she is an unknown stranger who has somehow infiltrated this party. If you should have occasion to speak to her you will be civilised and polite but as cool as any gracious hostess would be. But goodness me! There are all these very welcome guests who you must socialise with so cannot possibly waste any of your valuable time exchanging pleasantries with this interloper who you will never be seeing again.

This sort of play acting has got me through many ticklish situations. I am basically (I hate that word but can't think of another) a very shy person who dreads social occasions but if I am not being 'me' I find it much easier to cope.

x

spirit

monnagran wrote: »

Spirit. Ugh! What a situation. Can you mentally place yourself in a different scenario. You are not you, you are a gracious hostess celebrating your DDs birthday.
Your DIL is not your DIL, she is an unknown stranger who has somehow infiltrated this party. If you should have occasion to speak to her you will be civilised and polite but as cool as any gracious hostess would be. But goodness me! There are all these very welcome guests who you must socialise with so cannot possibly waste any of your valuable time exchanging pleasantries with this interloper who you will never be seeing again.

This sort of play acting has got me through many ticklish situations. I am basically (I hate that word but can't think of another) a very shy person who dreads social occasions but if I am not being 'me' I find it much easier to cope.

x

Thanks Monna. I think I shall do just that - again! It was my DD's wedding last year - luckily she didn't come to that (that's another story, she wanted me to pay for her to go to Florida for it LOL) We had a reception back in the Uk that she did come to. Like you said, I was the hostess for that and had to flit around all the guests, by my oh my if looks could have killed, I'd be 6ft under by now.

Then it was my son's wedding at the end of October - something to be endured and not so easy to flit since there were not many people I knew. Her side of the family are not my sort of people IYKWIM.

I thought I'd got through all the 'head up, titus out' scenario's after that, buy hey ho. Get through Saturday and it'll be fine. Luckily there are loads of people I know going, and I'm staying over with my son in law's parents. SIL is really lovely as are his family.

lessonlearned

Such a shame when what should be a joyous occasion is spoilt. And when you find yourself dreading the ordeal rather than looking forward to it with pleasure.

People like this are so toxic.

i didn't sleep very well. Found out yesterday that the BIL has finally owned up to receiving a loan from dad as recently as last August. I stopped looking after s dad's affairs when he moved in with my sister last April, when she took over.

When I gave all the paperwork over to the solicitor I checked dad's bank statements and noted this anomaly. BIL has only just "remembered"..........a bit of a coincidence that he remembers the week after the solicitor got to work.

No wonder I can't sleep......

[Deleted User]

If you can find a way of moving on from the sheer volume of hurt that has accrued over the years then life is very much less hurtful. The past and all that happened in it cannot be altered by one jot BUT it can be left behind and not allowed to ruin now and the future. It's not easy to lose that feeling of resentment against those who have made such deep pain and hurtfulness in our lives but you owe it to yourselves to walk away from the past and make yourselves a peaceful and much happier future. Don't let the bullies in your lives win another round in the relationship, take control of YOUR lives and make the future as YOU want it, not easy petals but it is not only possible but necessary.

Primrose

Lesson.earned. Well if your sister is now looking under affairs under a Power of atktoeney, they could be in serious trouble with the office of the Public Guardian if they're they're not being totally whiter than white over the way monies are administered, i.e. 100% in the financial interests of the individual concerned. If a solicitor starts to query things and files a complaint........ I don't see how a loan from a vulnerable person's finances can ever be justified by the somebody holding a power of attorney. You have to be able to completely divorce your financial affairs from theirs and act impartially.

lessonlearned

Primrose........I agree, which is why I have decided to "divorce" my sister.;)

I don't wish to sound harsh.....but in many ways my dad asked for it.......she was the Golden Child therefore her husband basked in her reflected glory. I was the Scapegoat therefore my husband was ignored or ridiculed. In fact Dad was actually very jealous of my husband so he had try and find ways of tearing him down.

In many ways my dad got his just deserts.....Karma.

Mrs Lurcherwalker.....well put. That was then and this is now. I am walking into my future without a backward glance.

I have informed my sister that as from now on I am no longer the "little mother" I am just a sister, no more no less.

I told her my days of being her protector are over. She laughed, I don't think she fully understood the full implications of what I was saying but she will, in time.

Looks like a nice day I'm going to get out and about and get some fresh air.

Pollycat

lessonlearned wrote: »

Well I've learned my lesson......to just back off, stop trying to protect my sister, let her sink or swim by her own efforts. There is 11 years between us, I am the eldest. SHe nearly died when she was a baby, and because our parents lacked parenting skills I became "the little mother".

This made me smile.

What a fab post, LL.
I hope you stick to it.