Other thread opened my eyes

Pollycat

mrsmac10 wrote: »

Having read the narsastic questions I can relate to this totally. It is my daughter.

I have two children my daughter decided to become estrainged 15 months ago. She refuses access to our 4 grandchildren. That's hard but tbh I do not miss her now as all conversations / interaction was becoming strained. Her reason for severing contact was the we refused to buy a Chinese meal one night.

Both children were treated equally. Same house deposits same monetary gifts except hers never seemed enough She got money for a big car , a caravan as her daughter had allergies and would never be able to go on holiday. Strangely she was able to go to Alton towers the next year. We were not allowed friends to the caravan but it was frequentent by hers.

I done everything to hold onto her which is similar to the stories on here. Just reversed.

It makes me feel less alone to read of other issues. Counselling has helped. Thanks for sharing

I'm glad that this thread has made you feel less alone.
I posted the 'Narcisistic Mother' link.
I guess it's hard to be associated with anyone with those tendencies

t14cy_t wrote: »

currently dd is not speaking to me or allowing contact with gc. she has a new bf so i expect that is the root of it. will wait until needed, until then the gc suffer. really unfair. ds lives with dd and is staying clear of all confrontation. luckily no probs with seeing ds twin boys who live with their mum. xx

t14cy
Hang in there.
I hope it will get better.

maryb

I have been a bit churned up the last couple of days having had my eyes opened. Frith posted a link to a website for daughters of narcissistic mother's and I was shaking as I read it. I have spent a lot of my adult life trying not to turn into my mother and I didn't need to. I could have been myself - and i don't think that would have been her.

monnagran

maryb: I understand your churned up feelings. I had never heard of Narcissistic abuse until I stumbled upon a forum on the net that absolutely poleaxed me. I had just been through a traumatic experience and was looking for something to help me through it. When I read what people on this forum were saying I was aghast because they were all telling my story and describing my experience so exactly that they could have been me.

I have had 2 Narcisstic partners. One I married for 18 miserable years and one I lived with for 10 very happy years but the end came with brutal and cruel suddeness. When I found that other people had experienced the same thing in the same way, even in some cases using the same words, my first feeling was of huge relief. I wasn't the only one and I wasn't going crazy.
I have learned a lot about myself this past year and one thing I learned was that I was targeted because I was the sort of person that a Narcissist needs. Oh, how lovely!
I then realised that a long term (58 years) friend, who is currently not speaking to me (again) is also a Narcissist.

How anyone copes with a Narcissist mother I can't imagine because there is no escape for a child.

I don't want to start a great furore about Narcissism because it is in danger of becoming the latest fashionable buzzword but if you have suffered from the fallout you will know all about it.
The last episode came within an ace of destroying me completely and I am still fighting the effects but there is help out there.

Courage comrades!


x

lessonlearned

Maryb.....oh yes those churned up feelings. Arent they awful. They literally make you feel sick and nauseaous. Yesterday was so bad I wanted to throw up.

I began having stomach problems as a small child, always feeling ill, often unable to eat. Diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer at 17, migraines, and then going on to suffer a lifetime of IBS and GERD, Then developed fibromyalgia, chest pains, panic attacks.

Thankfully through a regime of healthy eating, yoga, walking, massage, Physio and above all, avoiding stress and toxic people I am gradually healing myself.

But.....at the slightest set back, all the symptoms return and I'm back to square one. Last night was so bad I took a disposable aspirin Just in case because I could feel my heart racing and pounding in my chest and I felt I was about to have a heart attack. My pulse was racing, i was sweating, felt dizzy and sick.

"Only" stress of course, not a cardiac arrest. I recognise the signs now but sometimes, like last night, I find myself asking is the stress factor too high, will this be the time the stress overload becomes so severe that the stress attack morphs into a heart attack.

Sometimes you just know that your stress levels are through the roof and it takes everything you've got to bring them back under control. It's an exhausting rollercoaster ride of adrenaline and cortisol, followed by a noradrenaline dip whilst your body regulates itself again.

For this reason I have found that the only way is to place distance, either physical or emotional, but aso preferably geographical, between yourself and your tormentor.

My dad is dead now and for the first time I actually feel free and safe. Which is why I found my sisters behaviour this week such a shock and such a rude awakening. I thought I was finally done with all that.

I have been reading all those emails, analysing them and really paying attention to both the text and the subtext and guess what.....I think you know what I am going to say.....the Golden Child was Displaying some very distinct narcissist characteristics. Has she simply echoed dad. Has she taken on his mantle.

Was it aLways like this but I was blissfully unaware. Why have I never spotted this before, why did I never pick up on this till now. How could I have been so blind. Is my judgement faulty. So many questions now.

She has sent me a few more today......conciliatory, apologetic even. This is what dad used to do, upset me then bombard me with apologies.

Today I have found myself viewing both the emails and her with a growing cynicism and mistrust I would never have imagined possible. I guess that is what happens. Once Trust has been broken, it can't be mended again.

I honestly feel that the scales have just fallen from my eyes and I am looking at her in a whole new light. And......I really don't like what I see.

Reading these emails again so carefully, I notice a theme running through them, Even the conciliatory ones have that edge, that self righteous indignation, that self justification, that monumental ego that manifested in my father, what we all recognise in narcissists. Its all me,me, me, me.

I am just gobsmacked that I never spotted it before.

I just have to laugh at myself for foolishly doting on her all these years. Oh what changes I shall be making. Never again will she have the power to put me through what I have endured this week.

I gave her that power, well now I'm taking it back.

lessonlearned

Mrs Mac.....you are sooooo not alone. Just look at this thread, so many heartbreaking stories.

For me this thread has been a lifeline this week. The one place where I can unburden and release all the poison.

maryb

Would I be right that even the conciliatory emails are still along the lines of I feel so bad ( i.e. Still me , me, me) but... ( there's always a but)

monnagran

Spot on maryb. This is their way of reeling you back in. LL is right, if you read these apologies carefully you will realise that they are full of self justification. They are good at that. They will also justify themselves by twisting your words and actions to make themselves out to be the victim.
Having reduced you to an emotional wreck and questioning your own sanity they will then point out that you are indeed crazy.

I They will also spread malicious stories about you to make other people think that you are the one in the wrong. Bingo! They are the victim again.

It's a minefield trying to deal with them.

I have to rush off now but if you want to know more Google "melanietoniaevans".
I'm not sure if I am allowed to say that, but if the forum monitors remove it I will PM you.
I don't get too involved but just reading other people's stories and experiences makes me realise that the problem has never been me.

Must rush.

elona

lessonlearned

It sounds as if the scales have fallen from your eyes with a vengeance and you cannot see her the same way again. I had hoped for your sake that it was a knee jerk of selfishness engineered by her husband and she would think better of things.

By the sound of the recent behaviour she has been trying to provoke an arguement so she does not feel guilty - again - all about her.

I can understand why you want to cut the ties and that you want to be civilised about it and hold your head high.I know you are going through a lot of stress, pain and disillusion but this could be the best thing to happen in the end as you won't get sucked in by her ever again. I think there is a term "emotional vampire" for people who are energy drainers and her behaviour has shown very clearly where her priorities lie.

Soon you will be able to concentrate on yourself and your sons, DIL etc and plan for a happy future for you all. I actually pity rather than despise her for the hurt she caused. She will never be happy if nothing is ever enough. Wherever she goes she takes herself with her and her "lovely" husband (sarcasm).

Please take care of yourself and maybe get a check up to make quite sure there is nothing physical to be treated. Symptoms are not always just stress or a virus as I found out this week.

Wish I had a magic wand to whisk you well away from any contact with her.

Hugs

lessonlearned

Thanks folks.....

I had a fantastic sleep, first time in days. I actually feel quite human today.

Elona......I have had an ECG - admittedly a while ago. I was admitted to hospital with a suspected cardiac arrest. My heart was fine, "just stress". However that was a few years ago and I was thinking I might get myself checked out. I sometimes feel that I could probably do with a full body MOT.:rotfl: at some point i will book myself in and get it done.

Although.......if I'm absolutely honest.....shifting a couple of stones is about the best thing I could do for myself right now, so maybe do that first.

Well The latest is.......she is begging me to keep my share of the land and she wants to make an offer....."to keep everything fair".

FAirness is all that I ever wanted in the first place.:wall:

I have learned so much this week, about myself and my sister. I have made a few mistakes in the way I've handled her but the beauty is after all this I will never have to "handle" her again. She will have enough money to clear her debts and make a fresh start.

She will be 55 this year, quite old enough to stand on her own two feet. I am not going to be the big sister and protector any more. Time to let go. Let her "lovely" husband (Elona you really made me laugh when I saw that) do his duty and take care of her. He won't of course he's a bigger spendthrift than she is.......and a complete tw&t (a bit rude but the truth)

Shall I tell you something funny.

Many years ago an ex boyfriend (lovely guy) tried to warn me that I was too close to my sister. I thought he was bonkers, she was my baby sister, cute & loveable, funny and adorable, kind, generous and loving, what did he know? :rotfl: turns out he saw something in her that I was maybe too close to see.

Anyway, I am one of life's natural optimists, so I look to find the positives in any bad situation. I like to treat the bad stuff as a chance to learn something of value so I can learn and grow.

Well I've learned my lesson......to just back off, stop trying to protect my sister, let her sink or swim by her own efforts. There is 11 years between us, I am the eldest. SHe nearly died when she was a baby, and because our parents lacked parenting skills I became "the little mother".

It's time for me to remember I'm her sister and not her mother. I think I have to take some responsibility in all this. I have been overprotective and I should have relinquished my "mother" role years ago. I have enabled her.

I have to accept that She is a spendthrift and a fool. She has to have her own lightbulb moment and she has to wise up. I can't do that for her.......she's on her own now and I'm finally free of the responsibility.

(My parents have a lot to answer for........they made me do their job for them, they forced me to become the little mother because they were so inept).

Philip Larkin got it so right....."your parents f&&k you up, they don't mean to but they do"

Well mine certainly did.........I hope I've done a better job with my kids.

Gawd.....I have learned so much these last few days. My eyes have been opened and a huge weight had been removed from my shoulders.

My new mantra......

I am not responsible for my sister. I am not responsible for my sister.

Freeeeeeeedom!!!!!!

lessonlearned

maryb wrote: »

Would I be right that even the conciliatory emails are still along the lines of I feel so bad ( i.e. Still me , me, me) but... ( there's always a but)

Spot on......it's all about their need to control us. Their monumental egos.

They are never happy unless they are the star of the show, they do love the limelight;)