Sashybo - Back Again

Sun_Addict

My DGS sounds just like your DD and he’s been diagnosed with autism. Have you thought about the possibility? 

I can’t understand these in laws who interfere, there is absolutely no way I would do that with my DS and family. Both my mum and MIL used to interfere with us and it drove me mad 😬

sashybo

Thanks all, MIL was mostly well behaved, although quite overwhelmed with the kids at times. They’re both in a very chatty phase right now. 😂

We went out to mini/crazy golf with MIL & the kids. DS was great but DD kicked off at the second hole and proceeded to cry/scream all the way round the rest of the course (20 flipping holes!). 

Needless to say it was highly stressful and I couldn’t enjoy myself at all. DH has promised DS they’ll go alone another time so he can enjoy it more. MIL was not impressed and it has further strengthened her belief that DD is badly behaved. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I did find it funny at the end that DD skipped out of the place saying “That was fun!” Yeah great fun, thanks DD. 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

My mum is saying DD is too old to be kicking off like this all the time and I should take her to the doctor. What would I say? She has temper tantrums?! The health visitor wasn’t particularly interested last time I brought it up & she can behave when it’s something she wants to do!

I think it’s more that DD has been slower to mature and she’s also got a volatile temperament plus we have maybe let her get away with things a bit too much. The problem is if I’m too hard on her she’ll double down on the undesirable behaviour. 

I’m not really sure if it’s normal behaviour or not. School haven’t mentioned any real problems with her but she’s only primary 1. DD is great with most people and other kids, she just has an explosive temper and gets violent with us when she doesn’t get her own way. 

They suspected DS of some sort of autism in primary 2 but we’ve never heard anything more about that over a year later. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think he’s autistic, just a lazy reader and a bit of an oddball. 

I don’t know why my kids seem to be so different compared to everyone else’s. Honestly feel like a failure because they aren’t “normal” according to the outlaws (not said but implied of DD) and my mum keeps saying there’s something wrong with DD as well. And DS still can’t read at 7 and a half and flies into a rage every time we try to work on it with him beyond reading his school reading book. 

dawnybabes

What helped my son read was popping subtitles on every tv programme he watched, he sort of read without realising it. 

They may have referred your DS for an assessment - currently 2-3 years wait here.  Girls with autism present totally different to boys and can mask very well.  (I work in the field and have a DS with Autism / ADHD) so any questions please ask. 

Bluegreen143

I’d never diagnose someone over the internet (I’ve had that happen to me and it really annoyed me, I was told my DS must be dysgraphic based on a pic of him writing - and he’s 100% not). But if you are concerned I would go to the doctor as waiting lists are very long for assessment as mentioned above. 

Re reading, the truth is that whatever they struggle with is what they need to practice even if they don’t like it. Although my son is not dysgraphic, it’s true that his handwriting was poor. I made him write almost every day for six months, just copying out bits from his reading book after we’d done the rest of his homework. Did he dislike it/complain/whine? Yes. But if you do something with a child every day consistently then the tantrums and complaints only last a week or two and then it’s just a normal part of their routine. At his last parents’ evening I was told his writing is now good for his age.

So I would double down on consistent reading practice (both his school book and getting reading scheme books from the library), lots of praise and maybe small rewards at the end of each week. BUT consistent zero tolerance for tantrums or whining about it (whatever you normally do as a consequence for these). I think if you did this you’d find a marked improvement in a few months. 

Again with tantrums, my daughter is in P1 too (but she’s 6 and is about the oldest in her class so she may be more mature). We have been very consistent in how we deal with tantrums and though she is a naturally more fiery nature than my son, they just aren’t a problem anymore. Our rules for tantrums are:

1. You absolutely never get what you were tantruming for, end of story. 

2. You are immediately taken to your room, or in public taken outdoors/to the toilet/to the car (whichever is accessible). Our rule is its fine to feel upset/need a hug, but it’s never acceptable to tantrum/rage in front of others and ruin their day.

3. For little kids I stay with them, with school age onwards I leave them to calm down in their room but check on them and when they are ready for a hug they get it. Obviously in public you need to stay with them in the car/outdoors etc which is tedious but worth it to teach them that we will not allow them to ruin the day for the group or members of the public. It’s annoying when they are both little enough that you need to all stay together - easier if there’s another adult to keep doing the outing/activity with the other child. Here I’m aiming to be firm but keep my own cool. 

4. When they are calm and ready to apologise they get to rejoin the group and we don’t hold grudges. It’s not a time out for a specific time so it’s just when they feel ready to be around others and not wail and rage. 

Hope this helps, it’s a system which has worked well for us. 

Willowtree222

Hi,

I'd ask the SENCo at the schools what is happening and what they have done just so you know.

I'd ask whether they have looked into why DS isn't reading well. Have they screened or considered dyslexia or Irlen? I'm not saying it is any of them, but if they've not ruled them.out, then he could be having difficulties that are beyond his control. 

As you also know, my DD has been diagnosed with autism this year and presented very differently to autistic boys. If you're concerned, speak to your GP and school. My DD masked at school so they didn't think so. I had the same thing with health visitors when I raised about her screaming at strangers. Again, I'm not saying she is, but it might be worth documenting her tantrums to see if there is a pattern or triggers that you can work with and then settle itself. 

jwil

My DD was referred for ASD assessment in yr 1 and still hasn't had it in year 4, so it's worth getting on the list if you think it might help.  She got supported in emotional literacy as she was getting angry at school, and she's much better now.  This sort of thing might help: https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/development-additional-needs/social-emotional-development/emotional-literacy-child/ 

I agree about consistency - whatever you choose to be the consequence for behaviour, stick to it, however hard it is.  They will learn and it will get easier.

You're evidently not a bad parent, so don't think that.

sashybo

Thanks for the input all, it has given me a lot to look into and have a think about. I really veer between thinking DD's rage isn't normal to thinking that maybe she's just been a bit spoiled and is too used to getting her own way. I don't remember her being so angry/violent until she was around 2 or 3 and it's generally only me, DH, my mum & DS who she attacks when she's angry about something. She has a very strong personality and likes being in charge already!

She struggles with change when asked to do something new - our most recent power struggle has been over her wearing her backpack to school! This morning she threw it away and kicked it, causing her water bottle to spill on the living room floor. I told her if she didn't wear it to school then she wasn't playing on her ipad when she came home - answer was "don't want to play on my ipad" so I said ok no tv then. She still wouldn't do it and I had to physically put it on her.

She then screamed and cried all the way to school saying it was hurting her?? She was squeezing my hand trying to hurt me, then trying to dig her nails in and also headbutting my arm because I wouldn't let her take it off. She then wanted to carry it by the handle (more screaming and crying) so I eventually said ok when we were 2 mins from school. She then said it was hurting her hand and wanted me to carry it. I said no so then she dropped it again. I picked it up and handed it back to her and she carried it into the playground before asking me to take it again. I agreed at that point since we had arrived at school.

 On Mon & Tues I was working early shift so DH did the school run, he had to threaten no ipad one day but the next she put on the backpack no bother. Both yesterday and today I've had her screaming for asking the same thing. She's definitely worse when I ask/tell her to do something as she thinks I'm the soft touch out of me and DH.

Poor DS kept trying to butt in and tell DD off as well the whole way to school and I had to keep telling him he's not the adult and it's not his job to give her into trouble. 🤦‍♀️ When he sticks his oar in DD then tries to hit him so it just adds to the chaos. DS asked if we could sell DD and why did I want another baby anyway!

On the subject of DS, I thought of a plan/bribery to try and get him to practice reading more - I have ordered the first Dog Man book (two of my friends with sons similar/same age love these books) and said to DS if he agrees to try reading them with either me or his dad then we will get him a new Horrible Histories yoto card. He loves listening to these cards so he has agreed that he will try to read the book with us and practice more. The book is laid out more like a comic strip inside so I'm hoping it will be easier for him. It's worth a try anyway. He loves looking through books and asks what everything says, he knows individual letters but seems to struggle putting them together to make words. I think it's more that he can't be bothered trying rather than he actually can't do it.

Bluegreen143

I think Dog Man is quite popular and may motivate him.

What worked well for us is using the specific reading scheme books from the library and moving up the levels over time - he got quite motivated at wanting to move up a level. This makes it easy to know the book is the right hardness for you kid as once you ascertain which level is right you choose the same colour each time until it seems too easy then move to the next. 

I then moved him into reading the very thin Roald Dahl books (eg Fantastic Mr Fox) and then had a stroke of genius and got him the How to Train Your Dragon series (he loves the movies etc) which means he keeps going with them as each one he finishes, there’s a new one to read. He reads to himself before bed now but whenever he doesn’t have a school reading book I ask him to read a page or two of his current bedtime book aloud to me so I can just check on how he’s doing. We do space out How To Train Your Dragon with books of a similar level from the library.

His reading stamina/ability is still not *quite* as high as his understanding level (eg the books I read to him or he has on audio book are more complex than what he can read to himself - he can understand but not quite read Harry Potter, Narnia, Swallows & Amazons etc) but I do think his reading has taken a massive leap forward since investing in a series he was interested in - it’s given him so much motivation. 

Oh and my best tip for sounding out (my daughter is learning to read now and this is what I do with her). I get her to say the sounds out, then say them again without a gap between them, running each sound together. So rather than the child saying “C A T” then being stumped, I’ve taught her to say “C… CAAAAA… CAAAAAT” with no gaps between the sounds. Then she can *hear* that it’s CAT - she just needs to repeat the same thing fast and she’s got the word. 

Baldybear

Hello lurker here sorry to hear about troubles with dd, parenting is so hard.  I have a 3yr old dd and wow the tantrums she pulls over the most trivial things!  She seems good at pre school but once we are out of the school gate its like a split personality 🙄  they tell me its because i am het safe space but when she is throwing herself around the furniture its not so easy.  Trying to be consistent but its super hard.  Be kind to yourself you are doing a great job

sashybo

I managed to get out for a run last Saturday and again yesterday morning after school drop off. My ankle is still sore but I managed 6km on both runs and felt not too bad afterwards. I'm hoping to get another 2 runs in before my varicose vein laser treatment next week. I'll have to wear compression stockings for a week after that and imagine I'll not be going for a run for at least a week. At least I can walk and they ask you to walk for at least 20 mins every day to aid recovery.

I went for an 8km walk with my friends last week as one of them has signed up to do the Kilt walk in April (26 miles 😧) and is obviously doing a lot of walking to start training. I managed to get a really bad friction burn on the top of my foot as I had it taped up because of my ankle so that's been pretty sore since then. I'm going to try and get out with my friends on at least one walk a week as it was good to see them and you don't notice the distance so much because you're busy yapping. 😂 I can't join them this week as DH is working late shifts.

I also went for my annual HbA1c blood test this morning, so fingers crossed it comes back normal. My GP surgery ask me to take this test every year as I had gestational diabetes with DD, I didn't actually start getting tested until she was 3 due to covid though. Walked down to the surgery after dropping the kids off and then walked home again so got a decent amount of steps in. 

Stripped my bed and washed the sheets plus pillow and mattress protectors and also got the towels in the TD. Cleaned the bathrooms, hoovered the stairs and bedrooms (had to pick up all the mess in the kids rooms to get the hoover in) put the dry washing away and hoovered the couches to remove the cat hair and crumbs. 

Spoke to the NHS women's health physio as well the other day and she wants to discharge me even though I'm still suffering stress incontinence when running. Her opinion seems to be that as I won't stop running then it won't stop. To be honest all she has done is tell me to do kegels and hasn't spoken to me about working on core or glute strength or anything that the private women's health physio spoke to me about. I was on the waiting list for NHS women's health physio for 18 months and was on a waiting list for gynaecology for 18 months prior to that just to be referred to physio! If I hadn't paid for a private women's health physio and looked into the subject a lot, I'd not know any better and think that kegels & stopping running would "fix" my prolapse. I know nothing will really fix it but since I started running and working on my core/glute strength I have improved my stress incontinence in that it takes longer before it kicks in on a run. I'm hoping I can improve it more or even better get it to stop. Someone I know recommended High Intensity Focused Ultrasound for bladder incontinence/prolapse and said it really helped, so that's something else to look into. Again I would have to pay privately for this though.

Paid another £20 survey money off my 0% CC so balance is at £2830 and I'm going to pay another £200 off it which I have put aside for the monthly payment. I'm going to try to aim for this amount every month as I'd like to get rid of this balance asap.

Have a red weather warning for tomorrow due to the wind so the school might be closed, DH is meant to be going to work, not sure if any trains will actually be running for him to drive!