Doing it on my own: bobobski's house deposit diary

bobobski

The funny thing is, I don't think the person behind this was trying to be mean - I think she genuinely thought she did the right thing. Either way though, I've learnt never to trust her again. I don't understand why the workplace has to be so hostile - 3 out of 3 of us seem to think that it is. I'm not even a very nice person and I'm not hostile to anyone at work - if I don't like someone I just ignore them rather than be mean to them, have run-ins with them etc. No one benefits when someone's not happy as unhappiness tends to spread. Not taking illness seriously is another running theme here and I don't understand it - our colleagues are not our doctors!! For me, I've always been open about my bipolar diagnosis but I tend to find that people embrace it when I'm well (maybe even think, cool, I know someone with bipolar disorder) but as soon as I get unwell they say I'm blaming an illness I don't have for my bad behaviour, or something like that. I've lost more friends than I've made because of it. I only have one friend who understands it a bit, partly because we lived together during the worst of it and partly because he suffers from unipolar depression. But I've tried reaching out to him a couple of times lately and he's turned me down. Nothing malicious, I think he just doesn't remember how hard it is to ask for help when you're depressed and has dismissed me without thinking.

As for the doctor, all they'll do is tell me off for coming off my medication, which I did almost a year ago and they haven't noticed that I stopped going back for my repeat prescription. Also, GPs thoroughly do not understand BPD and tend to say the wrong thing. They might refer me back to my psychiatrist but all she'll do is see me once every three months, run through symptoms, and dismiss me as soon as she can. Mental health care in this country is appalling. As for family, I have none. I am alone. I've tried Samaritans a couple of times before but they literally made things worse so I will never call them again.

When I was initially dismissed by my psychiatrist a couple of years ago I had to come up with this mental health plan thing, which went through how to recognise warning signs, what to do when I'm unwell etc. At that time my friend and I spoke in detail about healthy living and how it doesn't seem to work for my moods. The only thing we could think that makes me better is company. But I have not seen a single friend this weekend, even though I reached out to two. In fact, I have only seen someone who is angry at me while I was outside yesterday - I literally crossed the street to avoid a confrontation with him. This goes back to that person I unintentionally hurt a while back - he also hurt her, and he actually did do something wrong, but I think he's blaming me for it anyway.

I've come to realise that people want to take everything good they can from you then drop you on the floor when they're done. That's what it's like at work for me. I'm excellent at my job - even when I'm not well I'm better than pretty much everyone else there - but they don't even notice that being high achieving absolutely destroys me. When I was first diagnosed with BPD, literally the first question the doctor asked me was "what are your grades like?" (I was doing A levels at the time) and I said "straight As" - she just nodded this knowing nod like, ok this diagnosis is going to be easy. I get no support from work at all. They wouldn't care if I burned out soon, as long as I'd made enough money for them in the meantime. In fact, my boss keeps talking about promoting me to the top of the ranks, notwithstanding that I got a promotion only a couple of months ago, and he hasn't listened every single time I've said I don't want to go to the top. The stress would completely destroy me. And yet, in my annual review last week, there he is again telling the other reviewer about how I'm going to be bloody running the company one day.

Today I'm just going to go to work, have a quiet word with my boss and ignore everyone else.

savingwannabe

Bobobski I want to thank you for posting and your very brave post. We will be here for you but I really think you also need to speak to a medical professional as you are really suffering at present and they will help. I always feel ill and when I am ill I think no one can help but my diabetes nurse or dr can just by listening. Occasionally I see an idiot but I try to take the treatment they offer and it can help. Eventually you will find one you feel comfortable with but you wont know if you don't try others.


Think of it this way if you had a loved and precious child or pet that was suffering and you didn't like the dr or vet you would still visit to help them get better. You are the child here and you will get over this and it will be quicker and less painful if a medical professional's advice is followed. They are knowledgeable and will have dealt with similar concerns whereas we might not realise if we cause any harm or worsen your suffering without realising. There may be nice groups your GP knows of where you have access to people with professional knowledge and sympathy that will help.We will always be sympathetic and your friends but they can make you feel better as they know what to do.

I hope your day at work is better and you are able to take a bit of a step back to enjoy the weather.

Ps we adore you and I don't want you to think we don't care as I do v much. This is what has worked for me in the past and i hope it helps you, love and hugs, swx

Skint_yet_Again

I'm sorry to hear your friends were not there for you over the weekend when you reached out bobobski. I hope you didn't mind the suggestions made with the best of intentions and I hope your day back at work goes ok x

Hutchch0920

Hi Bobobski,

I am sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment, hope you feel better soon!

xxx

bobobski

Hi everybody

Thank you for your very kind messages. I am slowly slowly coming out of the depression now and it is largely thanks to the ability to post on here, so I can share my true feelings and see your kind words and suggestions. This is the first time I've gone through a depression while publicising it on the internet - usually I just suffer in silence, but I think in future I will do this again. It's all about learning what helps you, after all. Interestingly, the aforementioned friend (who suffers from unipolar depression) and I discussed my symptoms and realised this is the first time I seem to have gone through a true depression rather than a "bipolar" depression. He even suggested I ask the doctor for SSRIs (when he is depressed he avoids them for as long as he can so that tells you how bad I was), but people with bipolar are not supposed to take SSRIs as there's a high risk they will trigger a manic episode. The difference between the two depressions is hard to describe but is widely acknowledged. As an example, I had to walk into town last weekend, which is about a 45 minute round trip, and it was so, so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I was walking so slowly and was nearly crying the whole time because walking shouldn't be that hard. I've never had that before. Usually the depression is in my head only and doesn't affect my body. Also, it usually follows a manic period, and I haven't had any manic symptoms lately.

SW, I completely see where you're coming from suggesting I see a doctor, but the difficulty is when you're depressed you don't always want help. Even when I'm well I have poor self-worth and tend to think I'm in the way, causing trouble for other people, would be better if I didn't waste people's time etc, and that is amplified when I'm depressed. I will lean on friends but only if they're around without me having to insist on it (i.e. they've asked to see me, or I've gently asked if they're free and they immediately said yes) and I'm happy to talk on here as you guys don't have to read it if you don't want to, but I can't imagine feeling that I'm worth a 10 minute GP consultation when I'm unwell. I know it isn't logical and I completely agree with your analogy, but that's why I was putting up a fight.

I had the conversation with my boss and it was very emotional. I was bawling the whole time and he gave me a hug at the end, which is something we don't usually do. As he put it, he sees people at work as his family and if one of his "children" hurts one of his other "children" he wants to defend the one hurt. He rejected my pleas not to give me a pay rise or bonus as he says I have earned both and will be getting them whether I like it or not. He and I have been in a funny place for a good long time, before which I used to say he was like my surrogate dad, and after everything we've been through recently and especially this heart-to-heart I think we're getting back there again. When I feel 100% again I will offer to take him out for a drink after work.

I sent a message to the person I avoided last weekend, just saying I hope he's ok, and he responded that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I maintain that I haven't done anything wrong, but more than that, he has been absent the whole time I really needed my friends around me, so I've decided I don't want to be his friend anymore anyway.

I've been smoking and drinking A LOT lately but today is a new day and I'm going to try to turn over a new leaf. I've dusted off my e-cigarette, which I bought a year ago (and I bought a good one so that I'd be more likely to use it), and I've been trying to use it more. It's only 10am but I've been up since 6 and I haven't had a cigarette yet, which is progress for me - usually I'd have had two by now. I've also "invested" in some new flavours of the e-liquid from the website, with a 20% off voucher they've sent me, to make using it more appealing to myself. I'm not trying to quit smoking for now as I think that would be too much too fast, but am going to make a concerted effort to cut down, maybe halve, how much I smoke.

Work has been extremely busy, but I think the worst of it is over. It will continue to be very busy for a few more weeks until the project is done, but I think the consistent 10-12 hour days are done now. I might even start taking lunch breaks again. My boss and I agreed that I can take two weeks off once we're done. It's stupid but I care so much about my work that I let it completely take over my life and exhaust me in a way other people don't, so I really need some time to recover once this is all over.

Anyway, onto money, which is why we're all here after all. Usually when I go through a bad spell I waste an awful lot of money, usually when manic but sometimes when depressed too. This time, except excessive spending on alcohol and tobacco, I've actually been very good. I think it's because I've put so much work into securing my financial position that it was harder than usual to say "f___ it" and throw money down the drain. I've looked into my financial position this morning and I think on average I can continue to save £1,000 per month with or without pay rise/bonus so I'm still on track for my Save £12k target which is great.

I'm not doing much this weekend, but I think I will gently gently start trying to be healthier. SW I'm going to follow your advice and buy lots of salad today - I've been almost exclusively eating rubbish food lately so maybe some vitamins will do me good.

Hope you all have a lovely Easter weekend x

savingwannabe

Wow your boss is giving you the pay rise. OMG. He hugged you. He obviously values you. I am soooooo happy they appreciate you.

Well done in avoiding creepy friend. Well done on ecigaretting. Well done full stop.

This weekend eat fruit and salad and some but probably lots of chocolate. We are all gonna chill.

Your savings plan sounds great. In the future you will have lots of savings and then you can plan for a happy holiday after you have saved and relax as you have a foundation of good savings behind you. Really really well done :j:money::D:T

Skint_yet_Again

I am so glad your boss has been so understanding bobobski and is supporting you.
I think your decision to stay away from former friend is a good one and you sound a lot more positive about looking after yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself and have a lovely restful weekend x We are here if you ever need to vent might not say the right things but I mean well

bobobski

I thought I'd pop in to say I've only had one cigarette today!!! And that was because my e-cigarette died just when I was about to use it. (It's ok, it's alive again!)

Today was hardly a stressful day and I'm deliberately not drinking alcohol today so I don't expect it to be representative of my life going forwards, but I can certainly see the power of e-cigarettes now. Only thing is... I've had three meals today and I'm starving. But but in the batch of e-liquids I bought this morning I selected a higher nicotine content, so hopefully when they arrive my hunger pangs will subdue.

I'm also exhausted - drinking so much was really messing with my sleep as I was staying up later than I should and not sleeping well. I think I'll watch an episode of the Good Wife then hit the hay.

Hope you've all had a good start to the Easter weekend.

savingwannabe

Fantastic, well done. :j

I think you did really well. It's all about putting you first. Have totally chilled out night. I'm sure that you can do nice stuff to treat yourself tomorrow as you deserve it so much. So glad your boss appreciates you. Hoooray for good bosses.

I hope the weather is nice tomorrow and you have a good day. I am meeting a friend in town and hope I don't overspend.

bobobski

Happy Easter Sunday all!

Yesterday I had 1 1/2 glasses of wine (I didn't fancy the second half of the second glass so chucked it out) and two cigarettes. Given that I'm not actually trying to quit I'm not going to be hard on myself if I smoke but I am going to try to keep the number low - for context I usually smoke 10-15 a day. Much easier at the weekend than during the week I suspect but at least I'll have had 4 days' practice before I go back to work. I've also ordered some new batteries for the e-cigarette so I can't use dead batteries as an excuse to smoke straights.

I've downloaded a smoke-free app which tells me I've already saved £13.78 from not smoking. I know that's not really true as I've spent £35 on e-cigarettes but that'll see me done for weeks, and by the time I need to top up on supplies I'm sure I will have saved loads. I've also done some reading about e-cigarettes and I think it's going to cost me approximately £20 every 6 months for new batteries and £20 per month on coils and e-liquid - call it £300 a year (although that may be way off as I have no experience in how long these things last). My normal smoking costs me about £2,500 per year. Fair enough I'll have to use more electricity as I'll be charging the e-cig, but that's a whopping saving! I knew this before of course, but never felt the desire to quit. I certainly feel the desire to cut down at the moment so fingers crossed I can make this work. Even if I buy one pack fewer a week it'll save me £520 a year.

I'm having a quiet Easter over here. My friends are all busy with family, which is to be expected, so I've been looking over my finances again. After feeling pessimistic for a long time, I've re-done the numbers - more accurately and accounting for things I normally ignore like clothes (which I hardly buy) and bits and bobs for the home - and I reckon I'm on track for my goal of £80,000 by end 2020/mid-2021 even without any pay rises or bonuses. I've not had a very social month though, so it's been relatively easy not to over-spend. I guess that's the benefit of having very few friends!!

I so so so can't wait to do DIY and complain about having to mow the lawn. I was always an outdoorsy kid, out with my dad learning how to use the pressure washer or chop wood (my mum didn't really like me with the axe but hey) or mow the lawn or lay down tiles in the conservatory or paint the bedroom - my sister was the indoorsy, kitcheny, nesty one. I'm desperate to have a house to do these things to. I know I'm on the right track and I just need to keep knuckling down, and think of the big picture, but I want it now Does anyone know a fairy godmother they can recommend???

Looks like the weather is going to turn bad this afternoon so I'm going to stay in again. However, tomorrow looks sunnier (although still cold) so I'll try to go for a walk and dust off the cobwebs - I've been so very lazy lately!

I hope you're all having great weekends, whether with family or alone relaxing. Much Eastery love coming to you from me :heartsmil