Doing it on my own: bobobski's house deposit diary

bobobski

Helloooo I'm back! :hello:

The last couple of weeks have been crazy. I've been working very hard indeed, and for me that means 7-8am to 7-8pm every day (with maybe cumulative 30-60 minute breaks over the day) + some weekend work. Actually I need to do some work today, boo! And then I had my trip abroad last weekend, which was more expensive than I'd hoped (due to my rubbish friends being rubbish, largely). I've been to a reunion thing for the company I worked for that self-destructed over Christmas. And payday!

Apart from the headlines, I don't really have much to report. I've managed to save £940-odd in March, which is below what I wanted, but due to how YNAB does things I've saved an additional £100 into April already (usually it's just the £300 for one of my regular savers that I allocate "forwards"). And given that I had an over-budget holiday, it's not bad at all. Onwards and upwards for April! I've *just* hit £40 on Onepoll - it took me 15 months to get there, but it's hardly been a bad thing to do so I think I'll do it again.

So, I have my annual performance review this coming week. Most of my colleagues have had theirs already and report back that our boss is gearing us up for no payrises and no bonuses. My house buying plan only works if I get a certain percentage payrise annually (in my line of work, pay freezes are so rare they're headline news in our industry's press when they happen). And given how hard I've been working, I'll be very peed off indeed if we're excluded from the company-wide bunce. Having said that, I think I reported months ago on here that I was worried this would happen, so I'm not really surprised. Will have to see how my review goes I guess.

I'm pretty knackered at the moment and I was out and about yesterday so I'm going to have a really easy day today (with a bit of work). My house hasn't been cleaned for weeks due to holiday and work (:eek:) so I'll do that and also cook meals for the week. I also need to catch up on everyone else's diaries and see how you're all doing!! I feel so out of the loop at the moment...

Skint_yet_Again

Hi bobobski good to see you ! Wow you have been seriously busy but well done on managing to still save :T

I would advice you have all your evidence with you when you go into your annual appraisal, especially if you have done work over and above your colleagues. If you don't "sing your own praises" no one else will ! and you're worth it as the Geordie one would say ! (Cheryl what's her name) Good luck for a payrise.

House cleaning is always last on my list I mean who cares, as long as the kitchen and bathroom are clean enough things like hoovering & dusting can wait


I hope you have some sunshine today in your part of the country and get chance to get out and enjoy it. You don't want to end up Vit D deficient like me with those long working hours indoors My office has no natural light and in the winter I go from home to work to home with not enough daylight


Have a good sunday x

savingwannabe

Hello Bobobski, I completely agree with Skint Yet Again. Sod the cleaning. Just make sure you have great healthy food in and go and lie in the garden. The washing up etc is not urgent at all, rest and sustenance is.

OMG you sound so busy. It will be worth it in the end though. In fact you have done so well already in such a busy month with your savings. Hurray. I hope you get your bonus, you have certainly earned it.

Now go and order some fruit and veg, get a nice cup of tea or orange juice or something and sleep in garden as weather is lovely- cos you deserve it.

bobobski

Hi guys

So sorry I still haven't got round to reading your diaries - I plan to do so over the weekend. I'm very low on energy right now but thought it would be good for me to post.

I'm going through a pretty bad depressed phase right now and I have been for weeks. I've been hiding it as best as I can at work but once the mask fell off and I acted out of character, after being let down again by someone I really hoped wouldn't let me down again. And today I found out that someone at work has been messaging my boss, telling him that I've been behaving really badly, and telling everyone that he said he hopes I quit so he can get someone he prefers to join the company. Which completely flies in the face of everything he said in my review yesterday.

Today was the first day I'd started to feel better (e.g. I didn't cry when I woke up this morning) and this has completely knocked me back down. Rather than dwell on it, I decided to go right to the source and ask my boss if it's true. He said absolutely not, and he's really angry at whoever's saying these things. In the hope that it's a misunderstanding rather than malice I didn't say who it is or who told me. But I do feel that it's malice. This has happened before, that someone didn't like me at work and took it upon themselves to drive a wedge between me and my boss in the hope that I'd quit or get fired - last time I found out about it because I was hauled in front of HR accusing me of various things I hadn't done or had been grossly exaggerated, and was later told that the people who had said these things about me had done it to someone before too. And when you're struggling to believe you have any worth as a human being and actually are struggling with low level paranoia, this really doesn't help.

So I had a good cry for a couple of hours and saw my friend for lunch who talked me down. So I feel calmer now, but still rubbish. I am really struggling to find motivation to go to work at the moment and now I really don't want to go in on Monday and face this person.

In the wake of various people, directly and indirectly, calling me selfish lately I've decided to tell my boss that I don't want a pay rise or bonus this year. Maybe I don't deserve either of them anyway, but I really can't stand being called selfish, especially when I've actually been fighting for other people and not myself when so called. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, and I told my boss the other day that I've been quite depressed lately, and his response was "oh ok" and he went back to work.

I can't remember the last time I felt so little support from my friends and colleagues, especially when I really need it.

I just want to leave and never come back.

Skint_yet_Again

Oh lovey, I am rubbish at expressing myself but couldn't read and run...


DO NOT for one minute believe any of the carp these vicious vindictive jealous bullies are saying. They want your job / bonus / payrise and it is probably because you are so GOOD at your job that they are trying to belittle you.


DO NOT tell your boss that you don't want a pay rise or bonus this year YOU HAVE WORKED HARD AND YOU DESERVE IT . That's what they want you to do, do not give the bullies the satisfaction.

As for your bosses behaviour when you told him you've been quite depressed lately, I am not surprised as many bosses men and women still have no empathy when it comes to mental health issues. I am not excusing his behaviour just saying I understand how you feel. I've been having some problems at work too and little support from my boss and have gone to my union rep. Some things are improving. It must be really hard if your boss is not taking any action over this person who is spreading vicious gossip around.


I have come to realise that the people at work are not my friends. I go to work, do my job to the best of my ability and go home. Its not great, but if I were you and were fit enough to leave I would start looking for something else.


Chin up hon, you are a nice caring person and worth ten (hundred) times more than them. Don't let them bully you into feeling bad about yourself x Hope you don't mind me suggesting maybe a visit to your doc would help with your low mood too. x

bobobski

Thank you sweetie. The problem is I'm usually up for a fight if necessary when I'm well, but when I'm down - especially when it's been dragging on - I'm so exhausted that I just want to roll over and let them have their way.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having issues at work too, but it's a good thing you have a union rep you can speak to. Why is it you can't leave if you are unhappy? For me it's location - there's nothing else around here in the same field so I'd either have to move or commute to London (= massive increase in stress and costs) or move elsewhere in the regions (= know no one, would be starting again).

Skint_yet_Again

Similar reasons for not leaving- location, disabilities, pay. Worried that I can't do anything else after being there a long time.


I know you are exhausted and its hard to keep going and believing in yourself but you are not alone. They are bullies and there are sadly some in every work place. If you've been down for weeks this is maybe just the tipping point ?


Perhaps your GP could help, maybe counselling if you don't want medical help ? Does your employer offer any counselling service or Occ Health to help with your depression ?


I hope you got some time off coming up over Easter so you can take a break x

bobobski

Sorry for the slow reply SYA, after my last post I just crashed on the sofa and was in bed by 9 and then had trouble getting to sleep. I am so exhausted. I was awake before 5am and couldn't go back to sleep so I just got up. Cried a lot again this morning. Crying is exhausting - I think that's why I went to bed so early last night. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being miserable.

The idea of moving jobs is scary, especially when you have complications like a disability. Funnily enough after posting yesterday somebody I used to work for emailed me asking me to come join them at their new job, but it's in London and the pay "rise" would be 100% eaten up by tax and a train ticket, so literally no point as it would be 3 hours of commuting a day, probably longer working hours and £0 more per year. Great opportunity but just not for right now - I will tell this person no thank you but possibly in future as I don't want to burn any bridges. Stress is not good for me and my life is stressful enough even living so close to work so not really having a commute.

I'm sure you could do other things, but for me at least the fear is what compromise that would come with, e.g. pay cut or lost important benefits. How many more years do you think you'll be in work? There is such a balance to be struck between having a good job and being happy in life. I'm still trying to work that one out.

I was thinking about what you said yesterday: "I have come to realise that the people at work are not my friends. I go to work, do my job to the best of my ability and go home". I think you're absolutely right. I am so used to having friends at work and when the friends left I started treating other colleagues as friends but they are not and they will stab you in the back when you're not looking. I think the time has come for me to grow up at work and treat it as a job rather than a place to see people I care about. Unless I chicken out, I intend to have a long talk with my boss on Monday. We are in a very weird place and strangely I think this gossip may have helped as it's made him jump to my side in a way he hasn't done for a long time. I think I will explain to him that he is likely to see a personality shift at work but it's intentional and not malicious, just me treating my job differently to how I have done before as it was treating non-friend-colleagues as friends that started this gossip in the first place. I also need to tell him how bad my depression has been lately. He told me recently that he doesn't believe bipolar is real - not sure whether he believes that suicidal feelings are real but I'll find out soon I suppose.

When I woke up this morning it was (a) dark and (b) very foggy. It's not even 10am but it's already sunny and warmer. I love summer and I definitely suffer from SAD so usually I'd be thrilled, but right now I just want to hide indoors. I need to go to the supermarket but otherwise I think I'm going to stay inside this weekend and skip the summery weather. Hopefully it'll still be nice next weekend.

I have spent far too much already this month but I'm finding it difficult to care. I'm not going completely crazy with it though - I was looking at holidays yesterday as when I get like this the only thing I want to do is physically go as far away as I can, but the prices made me stop and think so I didn't book anything. A year or two ago I would have booked something and worried about the money later, so that's progress at least.

Our big project was quiet this past week but I found out yesterday that we're full steam ahead next week. It's my project and I refuse to hand it to anyone else but I also don't have the energy. It'll be a good two-three weeks at least before the foot comes off the pedal, but once it's done (or at least once I know when it will be done) I am going to book two weeks off work. I need to be anywhere but there right now.

Skint_yet_Again

Try to be good to yourself this weekend, there will be lots of sunny weekends to come. Get some rest, try to relax and eat some good food. Do something you enjoy to try and take your mind off work for a bit otherwise you are like me and over analyse everything. Try not to drink as that can make things worse. Sorry if I sound like I'm trying to lecture you that is not my intention I'm just worried about you.


Maybe you can try and prepare yourself for the busy period coming up so you have some easy pre-prepared food on hand so you can eat on the go. Sandwiches can be pre made and frozen. Try and have some fruit and veg. Maybe make a big pot of mince and tomato sauce with some veg for quick evening meals, if you could then freeze it in individual portions you could microwave from frozen just adding herbs and spices or chilli powder on the night. Or maybe a big pot of stew. I tend to use aldi pouches of microwave rice for 49p which are quick and easy when you don't feel up to cooking.


If you've spent too much money this month its not too bad in the grand scheme of things. You have been doing so well with your savings you can always catch up later.


Please, if you are feeling suicidal don't suffer in silence. Get some support whether from your GP or MIND or make sure there are plenty of friends and/or relatives you can turn to, or call the Samaritans. If you are going to speak to your manager he is just going to have to grow a pair and deal with it.


Take care of yourself and make yourself the number one priority sod the rest x

savingwannabe

Hello this is why we all get on. We all work with mean people at work. I have realised a few of them are genuine and nice -maybe one - and the rest are quite mean or apathetic. I'm not bothered any more. It is like this in quite a few places. I realise that most of my friends are outside of work and care for me. I care about my house and think of nice things I can do to get me through the day.

I also get v down. They don't take my illnesses seriously. The stories I could tell are frightening and their behaviour totally illegal with little help from my work place but I have learned to carry on as the money is good and I love what I do even if the environment was one of pure schadenfreude. Now the bullying has stopped as they know I will keep going despite them. They are losers with no friends only fake friends that are scared of them. Don't worry they will move on to the next victim in their sad lives. They are flotsam and jetsam not worthy of your time, energy or thoughts.

Bobobski I really think you need to go and see your dr. Pretty urgently, I also suggest you force yourself to try to eat healthily. Fruit and veg. It will change your life. One change at a time. Most important -But ring the dr this week and say a friend who has depression said that you are showing some of the signs and she said you should be checked for it. They will possibly suggest some counselling on healthy living. Dr Tim Cantopher had a really good book on coping with high achievement and depression but I lent it out and never got it back. Every day do 1 nice thing. A walk, a nice meal, ring a friend, listen to nice music. Don't spend so much time at work. Sit in garden as much as poss while weather is nice.

If it gets bad the Samaritans are good too. Many years ago one of our friends on here had great help from them and made a real change to his life. A nice friend of Firewalker's.