Mooloo's Joining up the dots in 2017

pollyanna_26

Mooloo I know you must be feeling heartbroken but please don't blame yourself . Caring for a family while fighting for the help and resources needed for the ones who are struggling , working and trying to keep all the balls in the air is damn hard and brings you to your knees over and over again .
One of my daughters still has a chip on her shoulder about the amount of attention youngest had focused on her . I've asked her if she would like to change places with her sister and walk a mile in her shoes .
I'm lucky my three older offspring have good careers . My youngest lives with the knowledge that will never be her life . I was trying to keep youngest alive in the world with us and have no regrets .
All these years on you are still trying to help all yours so don't let anyone play the blame card . They're damn lucky to have a mum like you and the blamers need to take a leaf out of your book and get on with it . The past is gone and the future is for now .
Have a hug and take care of you x
polly

thorsoak

Mooloo wrote: »

Finally I have my new windows and doors in.
Now it's time to warm up the place again.
I had a long phone call from Biggest today and she's been helping her brother. The house is now being tackled and she gave them the lecture etc as they were helped to see the mess they were in. Emotional moment with DS at the weekend as she did the work run that I normally do.
DS and his GF are both depressed, and lost their way somewhere. She is trying to help them to get order back to the chaos.
There was a lot more said and some of it echoing people on here saying that I neglected DS because of twins, babies etc. I was listening and it was not easy to hear your children tell you that you are to blame for them being the way they are because you were a single mum working all the time.
I don't agree with all the blame being mine, but I understand that I couldn't be everything all the time. I did the best I could and I cannot change what ever they are blaming me for. I feel like the scapegoat for their inadequacy disappointed that my skills as a mother were not good enough.
Despite my trying to teach them budgeting, cooking and household skills I failed.
I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.
I knew I wasn't perfect, I knew I struggled with the twins, and I tried to get the help we needed as a family and I worked hard to give them holidays, food always on the table, Christmas, birthdays, clothes and shoes. I had family meeting times to try to keep us on track and communicating.
But apparently I didn't do it well enough!
Wonder why I have dgd then if I am so bad a role model?
And yes, I am feeling lost and am hurting, and yes I will probably get lash back from somewhere but as I have always been honest in my posts then I am telling it how I feel at the moment.

I didn't like facing her opinion,

Mooloo, I have always firmly believed that maternal guilt is delivered along with the baby's umbilical cord! Biggest has told you what DS has told her - and immediately the guilt switch in you is pushed on. As others have said, DS also has a father ...and his GF also has parents. You are only 25% of whatever support DS might expect - and you have given 100% and more.

I certainly won't blame you - as we all try to do, you tried to do your best to all your children as you could at the time - and none of us can do more. And no-one should judge you - or anyone else - unless they have been in the same situation as you at that time.

annandale

Mooloo whose opinion is this? Your sons and your eldest daughters? The same eldest daughter whose wedding you are helping to pay for? I don't see your family lining up to criticise you when you are giving them money.

This has happened because youve stopped giving your son lifts to work and help with food after he chose to stop talking to you because of the drama his gf created.

Don't you dare feel bad about this. You posted a couple of weeks ago that you helped your family out to the tune of 50 grand over a ten year period.

You aren't perfect but who is. You did your best in a challenging time when you had no support from their father and it's you who is getting all the flak.

If there is a backlash from you posting this on here then too bad. You get support on here and sometimes you need that support

Savvy_sewing

Yes she never mentioned him!
It's like he never existed at times. He sees Biggest and her children fairly regularly and even has holidayed with her but he's never done that for any of his other children. He had dgd occasionally but hasn't had her for about two years and if I mention that Biggest sticks up for him saying his wife is depressed and ill etc so Even when I was ill there was no support to the other three from him. Dgd now hardly mentions him and calls her Mum's partner's Dad Grandad these days. She definitely knows him better then her biological grandfather!
I am just fed up today and being stuck in the bedroom with the windows and doors out half of the day has been rather giving me too much time to think.
I can not change the choices I made when I was bringing them up on my own and running my own businesses etc, or someone else's.
I am going to look at the here and now and just try to find my positive energy again so that the good work of the last week or two is not wasted and I get on with what I can control. My feelings. I am determined to turn it around this evening before I go to bed.
But it is hard.
I have got to make sure that I don't fall victim to the idea of being a victim too.
I did my best. Mostly alone. I didn't choose to sit on benefits as in The dole as it was called in my day. I chose to work and provide what I could and have been providing for all four of them for their entire lives. Biggest is now 30. The twins 28 and DS 24.
I have every right to say enough is enough and I am not going to be a cash cow anymore. I have 12 years before I retire and I need to turn my own finances back on track before it's too late.
I sometimes wish I had moved abroad years ago like my siblings and enjoyed my life choices instead of putting them all on the top rung of my ladder.
But what is done is done and I can't change that. I am only able to refocus my own self. I can't be blamed for their life choices

Savvy_sewing

annandale wrote: »

Mooloo whose opinion is this? Your sons and your eldest daughters? The same eldest daughter whose wedding you are helping to pay for? I don't see your family lining up to criticise you when you are giving them money.

This has happened because youve stopped giving your son lifts to work and help with food after he chose to stop talking to you because of the drama his gf created.

Don't you dare feel bad about this. You posted a couple of weeks ago that you helped your family out to the tune of 50 grand over a ten year period.

You aren't perfect but who is. You did your best in a challenging time when you had no support from their father and it's you who is getting all the flak.

If there is a backlash from you posting this on here then too bad. You get support on here and sometimes you need that support

My daughter the one who had £200 today to pay back a loan to her friend. I have told them all that I don't have any money left. ( I do have my emergency fund, holiday fund, and the money for my bills), but I don't have large savings anymore and I would rather fund holidays than them, if only to keep my sanity now.
I am rather disappointed in my family at the moment to say the least!

So, deep breath, tea, bubble bath and shut the door on them all. I have already tried to make peace with DS and I have said that I will drive him to work but I am not giving him any money anymore.
I am determined that I will not be giving any more to anyone after today.
I am joining up my dots for me this year.

pollyanna_26

Good for you on carrying on joining up the dots . You're right the bank of mum is being directed towards sensible targets rather than trying to fill endless dark holes . Keep calm and carry on
polly x

Eager_Elephant

((Mooloo))


I agree with someone else who said that as soon as you stop giving lifts and cash you are suddenly the worst mother in the world.


I personally think you are an amazing mother and grandmother and have done the best in all the situations you have found you and your family in.


It's so easy to blame others for problems in your own life without taking responsibility for themselves.


My DH had a terrible childhood, his mother was an alcoholic, his mother and father had physical fights in front of him, he was sexually abused by his half brother and then his father died when he was 16.


Yes my DH has depression but he has also sought help for all his issues and has come to terms with them and moved on from them.


He never told his mother she was a terrible mother, he just got on with life and did the best he could.


It would have been so easy to go down the drink, drugs, benefit route but my husband was made of stronger stuff and has managed to work all his life and raise his own family.


My DH would be happy to talk to your children about what a crap childhood is.


Maybe if your DS is so sure you are the cause of his and his GF's depression then he should get counselling to come to terms with it and learns ways of dealing with it and moving on but of course he won't as no doubt they are all talk and no action.


Please do not let this get you down, you know it is all being said in anger.

Eager_Elephant

Mooloo, I thought the bank of mum closed the other week?


If biggest wants to be an adult and get married then she needs to take responsibility for her own life and stop borrowing money all the time. What if you did not have the money to give/lend?


You cannot keep baling them out - what about the needs of DGD and you?

annandale

Borrowing money and then giving you a lecture about everything they think you haven't done well enough!!!

Savvy_sewing

It's not DS that's saying it, it's biggest.
I had closed the bank but had certain amounts promised already. But that's it now.

I have a goal to get rid of the credit cards as I have documented here. So I am prioritising that.
Dgd and I have everything we need, but we don't go over board.
I would have liked to have more savings for her though.

Tomorrow is another day and I will rise above it. Just hurt today as it was not easy listening and really hit the guilt button on my heart.