How do I tell my daughter she is overweight?

nimbo

She may not see herself as big.

My sister in law insists on buying size 14 everything she has a particular fondness for jeans. The crotch of which will be half way between her thighs and knees as the don't pull up far enough. She flashes her but crack all the time and her muffin top as they cut into her at the top is not the most flattering.

She's middle 20's her mother and family have been saying she needs to reassess the sizes she buys for years.

She asked for a coat for Christmas in a size 14. It was bought in an 18 - the largest the shop does. As this was 'the only one they had' - a white lie by the purchaser. It still didn't fit.

For the first time every there was a glimmer of hope as her fianc! mentioned looking on simply b for something to swap it for.

Do take her to measured for a new bra. I pulled an old one out the drawer the other day and it's obviously a little tight now and the pain was hideous. I actually removed it in the supermarket toilets and came home with none on as I couldn't cope. Haha. That all by itself will hopefully put her in a better mood.

Other than that the mother in law has just had to live with it for years. hopefully she will at some point recognise that she may need to buy a size up.

System

Aced2016 wrote: »

And if you do the cooking at home, Mabye make a few tweaks and changes and buy less of the bad good. I fully appreciate st college and work she will be buying herself food though. And going forward Mabye say you want to join a local class and ask her to come ?

Good luck but just tred carefully, I'd go about this very tactfully. Girls and their weight is a very sensitive thing.

This in a nutshell.

TESCOBABE56

Shes just a fat bird, there are loads of them, I was chatting to one last night, she was delightful.
Let her sort herself out, she isnt anorexic or bulimic, so thank your lucky stars.

milliemonster

Wow, lots of replies thank you!

Firstly can I say that I have never called my daughter a slob/embarrassing to her face! But when I'm faced with her walking in front of me and can see a too tight thong through overstretched leggings it looks awful, daughter or not! But I'm not that tactless that i would say that to her.

And yes she is a slob, she may go to college and work 4 hours a week but aside from that does absolutely nothing, she doesn't even go out to see her friends just sits at home, in her room, Watching tv.

People have mentioned I should have done something about this years ago, I have tried, since she was a little girl when I took up running she has always seen me out exercising, we always eat healthily at home (but not obsessively) and I've tried to be a positive role model for her, I'm not skinny and I'm not overweight myself but if I don't run I can have a tendency to put weight on easily, we would do lots of walking going to the lakes etc, and I've always encouraged my kids to be active. I've known since she was younger that she would have a tendency to gain weight like I did and I didn't want to her to suffer the bullying I did as a teenager at school over my weight, but she is not Interested in sport of any kind, never has been, neither is my son, they're just not sporty people.

But I can't do anything about what she eats outside the home, grandparents were feeders and despite having a quiet word nothing changed, my son is super skinny and eats like a horse and she would always be upset that he was like this, but I tried to explain to her that everyone is different and I can't eat like he does either otherwise I would be huge!

She's not depressed, she's a happy girl but I know deep down she wants to lose weight, she has lots of friends but can't be bothered to get together with them outside college/work, she has a boyfriend, he is super skinny and eats loads of rubbish all the time and he is making it worse as he will come over with a carrier bag full of junk which she will then tuck into with him.

I dont expect her to be wearing kaftans or covering up, she's 17, beautiful and young of course she wants to be fashionable! But this is not about that, it's about wearing clothes that fit her and look fantastic on.

Many people say I should tell her, many people say I shouldnt, it's difficult as when I was young I struggled with my weight myself and my mum was always blunt with me and it just made me have no self esteem, I don't want to do that to her, she is gorgeous and has a lot of self esteem, but I just can't believe she can look in the mirror and think the clothes she is putting on look ok!

TESCOBABE56

milliemonster wrote: »

Wow, lots of replies thank you!

Firstly can I say that I have never called my daughter a slob/embarrassing to her face! But when I'm faced with her walking in front of me and can see a too tight thong through overstretched leggings it looks awful, daughter or not! But I'm not that tactless that i would say that to her.

And yes she is a slob, she may go to college and work 4 hours a week but aside from that does absolutely nothing, she doesn't even go out to see her friends just sits at home, in her room, Watching tv.

People have mentioned I should have done something about this years ago, I have tried, since she was a little girl when I took up running she has always seen me out exercising, we always eat healthily at home (but not obsessively) and I've tried to be a positive role model for her, I'm not skinny and I'm not overweight myself but if I don't run I can have a tendency to put weight on easily, we would do lots of walking going to the lakes etc, and I've always encouraged my kids to be active. I've known since she was younger that she would have a tendency to gain weight like I did and I didn't want to her to suffer the bullying I did as a teenager at school over my weight, but she is not Interested in sport of any kind, never has been, neither is my son, they're just not sporty people.

But I can't do anything about what she eats outside the home, grandparents were feeders and despite having a quiet word nothing changed, my son is super skinny and eats like a horse and she would always be upset that he was like this, but I tried to explain to her that everyone is different and I can't eat like he does either otherwise I would be huge!

She's not depressed, she's a happy girl but I know deep down she wants to lose weight, she has lots of friends but can't be bothered to get together with them outside college/work, she has a boyfriend, he is super skinny and eats loads of rubbish all the time and he is making it worse as he will come over with a carrier bag full of junk which she will then tuck into with him.

I dont expect her to be wearing kaftans or covering up, she's 17, beautiful and young of course she wants to be fashionable! But this is not about that, it's about wearing clothes that fit her and look fantastic on.

Many people say I should tell her, many people say I shouldnt, it's difficult as when I was young I struggled with my weight myself and my mum was always blunt with me and it just made me have no self esteem, I don't want to do that to her, she is gorgeous and has a lot of self esteem, but I just can't believe she can look in the mirror and think the clothes she is putting on look ok!

At 17 she could be still quite child like, in your own words she is a happy girl, beautiful, gorgeous and has a lot of self esteem. Most parents would kill for that, the UK has millions of fat people, we could all lose our excess if we put our mind to it. You seem more bothered how she dresses than the health implications of being overweight.
I know a girl who was similar in size to your daughter, happy, bubbly, popular, university degree, then a good job. Last year she lost all of her excess weight (she actually overshot) then stabilized. She is 27 and had been overweight for ever.
To be honest I'd be more worried about her not going out.

balletshoes

milliemonster wrote: »

Wow, lots of replies thank you!

Firstly can I say that I have never called my daughter a slob/embarrassing to her face! But when I'm faced with her walking in front of me and can see a too tight thong through overstretched leggings it looks awful, daughter or not! But I'm not that tactless that i would say that to her.

And yes she is a slob, she may go to college and work 4 hours a week but aside from that does absolutely nothing, she doesn't even go out to see her friends just sits at home, in her room, Watching tv.

People have mentioned I should have done something about this years ago, I have tried, since she was a little girl when I took up running she has always seen me out exercising, we always eat healthily at home (but not obsessively) and I've tried to be a positive role model for her, I'm not skinny and I'm not overweight myself but if I don't run I can have a tendency to put weight on easily, we would do lots of walking going to the lakes etc, and I've always encouraged my kids to be active. I've known since she was younger that she would have a tendency to gain weight like I did and I didn't want to her to suffer the bullying I did as a teenager at school over my weight, but she is not Interested in sport of any kind, never has been, neither is my son, they're just not sporty people.

But I can't do anything about what she eats outside the home, grandparents were feeders and despite having a quiet word nothing changed, my son is super skinny and eats like a horse and she would always be upset that he was like this, but I tried to explain to her that everyone is different and I can't eat like he does either otherwise I would be huge!

She's not depressed, she's a happy girl but I know deep down she wants to lose weight, she has lots of friends but can't be bothered to get together with them outside college/work, she has a boyfriend, he is super skinny and eats loads of rubbish all the time and he is making it worse as he will come over with a carrier bag full of junk which she will then tuck into with him.

I dont expect her to be wearing kaftans or covering up, she's 17, beautiful and young of course she wants to be fashionable! But this is not about that, it's about wearing clothes that fit her and look fantastic on.

Many people say I should tell her, many people say I shouldnt,
it's difficult as when I was young I struggled with my weight myself and my mum was always blunt with me and it just made me have no self esteem, I don't want to do that to her,
she is gorgeous and has a lot of self esteem, but I just can't believe she can look in the mirror and think the clothes she is putting on look ok!

you've been through it yourself OP, and you've answered your own question. In addition, at 17 would you have listened to your mother's opinion of your clothing choices? I wouldn't have.

Person_one

milliemonster wrote: »

Many people say I should tell her, many people say I shouldnt, it's difficult as when I was young I struggled with my weight myself and my mum was always blunt with me and it just made me have no self esteem, I don't want to do that to her, she is gorgeous and has a lot of self esteem, but I just can't believe she can look in the mirror and think the clothes she is putting on look ok!

There you go. You are now considering whether you should do exactly the same to your daughter, of course you shouldn't! Accept her as she is, make sure she knows that you accept and love her as she is.

If she ever does lose weight then she will do it because she wants to, that's the only time diets or weight loss plans (or stopping smoking, or cutting down alcohol, or taking up a new hobby, or achieving any goal at all) ever actually work anyway, it never really comes from any external influence, not even mums.

FBaby

There you go. You are now considering whether you should do exactly the same to your daughter, of course you shouldn't! Accept her as she is, make sure she knows that you accept and love her as she is.

You seem to be confusing being honest but tactful and supportive with being blunt. It's not what you are saying that is the problem, it's how you say it and what you do about it.

OP, I totally understand your situation as it resonates with me, although in my case it is my son but he is younger so has more influence. Also, everyone in his life is slim, whether family or friends, so that motivates him to be so.

Your problem is that your DD is not going to go by your opinion or what is attractive, but by what her boyfriend does and he clearly has no issue with the way she dresses, so why should she change?

I think what you need to focus on is how you can influence her as a whole in terms of her aspirations. Being healthy can then just slot into it without coming across as a lecture. If she starts to lose weight, then it is very possible that she also decides to change her style as she needs to buy smaller size clothes.