How do I tell my daughter she is overweight?

Mojisola

milliemonster wrote: »

she's been a big girl since she was 9

The final straw has come though that she has sent me a picture of a dress she wants for her 18th to go out in which she wants her relatives to put together to buy for her is very short very tight fitted, all over lace backless down to the top of her bum which is the kind of dress that only looks good if you have a model figure and I can't buy it for her knowing how awful it would look on her.

OldMotherTucker wrote: »

When my daughter and I were at odds over her choice of dress for a friends wedding, I took her to a department store with a personnal shopping service.

Instead of the usual hooker dresses/heels/g-string combo she came home with white designer jeans, a printed silk camisole and flat shoes. They even sorted her out with a decent bra. I know it cost a bit but she wasn't going to hear it from me!

Like FBaby said - it's something you could have tackled much earlier when she was a child - very difficult to handle now.

I'd go for OldMotherTucker's approach - it's her 18th and having a 'personal shopper experience' is a very grown-up thing and this can be part of her birthday present. A good personal shopper will be very experienced in steering client away from outfits that don't suit them.

sweetbabu

It's really sad when you say she embarrasses you. She's just being a normal teenager and trying to fit in with her friends. The only stuff in the shops for 'fat girls' is not what she'll want to be going out in - usually big kaftan-type tops that will not help HER feel good when her friends are out in skimpy dresses. Even if it would look better than being squished into something too small. Telling her what she already knows isn't going to help her, it will only make her feel worse, which will exacerbate the problem as you see it; supporting and encouraging her will eventually help her.

She has a job and is at college, so she doesn't sound too much like the slob you say she is.

If she's had a problem since she was nine, it should have been addressed then. Where was she getting the food to make her overweight? Did you make sure she was outside, and eating the right foods then?

I was brought up not knowing how to eat. My parents are both qualified chefs and the food was always delicious, but there was far more than what I personally needed - and if I didn't eat every scrap from my plate, I was told that there were starving kids in Africa. I left the table on more than on occasion feeling like an overstuffed sausage and still cannot leave anything on my plate (though my portion control has greatly improved now!). I hated PE and was bullied. I didn't do any sports outside of school either.

As a consequence, I have involved my daughter in cooking healthy foods since she was able to and have never made her clear her plate. She absolutely LOVES fruit and veg (Brussels sprouts and broccoli being amongst the favourites); now I loved them too but we eat them now without being swimming in fat. She does have sweets and treats, but in moderation.

I like the suggestion of making a girly day out. Go and get fitted for proper bras and then treat her to a personal shopping experience.

Finally, are you overweight yourself? Could you join a slimming club and maybe encourage her to go with you?

GlasweJen

Do you have a bravissimo nearby? Their bras aren't cheap but their fitting service is amazing. They don't use tape measures, they assess you in your bra that you wore in and then will talk you through how to tell if a bra fits while trying different sizes and styles on you.

I'd couple a trip to bravissimo with the personal shopper. Don't tell her she's fat, she knows. Teach her to dress properly for her size and stop buying junk for the house. Maybe try and find a sport she will like but if she's never been sporty before she might never get the bug.

Threebabes

As a mother of two daughters i would be blunt, my two are 13 and coming up 17. I would be truthful with her. If we go shopping I tell them how it is. I would hate for them to be ridiculed for how they look.

I say to them both if they had a problem with their weight it would be a problem we would tackle together.

Good luck, teenagers are a handful.

gettingtheresometime

Are you the perfect weight .

If you could do with losing a few lbs then why not suggest you both lose weight together - you could even ask her to accompany you for moral support

You may find that she just needs a helping hand - I speak as a 'big' girl and I needed to lose weight for me not because someone told or suggested to me that I lose weight

Kayalana99

Being a size 16 is overweight, but it's not grossly OTT that I'd be calling her embrassing. She's had a weight issue since the age of 9 according to you, surely this should have been looked at earlier when you could somewhat control what she is eating. She's a grown woman now and she'll do what she has always done. Telling her she is over weight & to cover her body up is just going to bring her confidence down - she sounds like she is quite confident in the skin she is in wearing clothes that as you say are revealing, leave her be, and be happy that she is happy.

Torry_Quine

I do think as her mother you should say someting but more along the lines of the clothes not suiting her. You do need to say that the dress she wants is not practicable for her.

I do think though that she doesn't sound particularly lazy with college and a job.

DevilsAdvocate1

I can really empathize with this as my middle son is overweight. Think he was about 9 or 10 as well when I first noticed. At the time I changed what I put in his lunchbox and meals at home. However, I later found he was finishing off his friend's lunchboxes. So I don't think its always down to what is in the home.

Also, my mum is a nightmare in that she views giving sweets as giving love. The number of arguments we've had over the years because she very strict with me yet will give my boys a huge chocolate bar each and expect them to eat it all. Then she moans at me about how bad my children's diets are.

I really like the idea of taking her to a personal shopper to buy a special outfit for her birthday. Wish I could do something like this for my son. I bought him gym membership 2 years ago and I can hardly ever get him there. The last time we went, about 6 weeks ago, he walked so slowly on the treadmill and did all activities so half heartedly that I don't think it made any difference at all.

Good luck.

fierystormcloud

milliemonster wrote: »

My lovely girl is 18 next month, she's been a big girl since she was 9 and although I've tried to steer her into a healthy lifestyle she's turned into a bit of a slob, apart from college 3 days a week and a small part time job in between she hardly leaves the house, she slobs around in pyjamas most of the day isn't sporty or active at all and has no interest.

The thing is, she is a size 16 minimum, which is fine, but she refuses to see this and instead buys size 12 clothes and forces herself into them, she insists she is a size 34 bra which when I see her in them cut into her flesh so bad I can't actually see her bra strap as they are far too tight, I've tried to broach it gently with her that it doesn't matter what size it says on her clothes, more that they fit and look great as opposed to too tight, she then accuses me of 'body shaming'

I've backed off from saying anything now, but it's frankly embarrassing when I see her dressed in leggings so tight I can see her underwear through and crop tops with them which when she has a protruding belly just look ridiculous.

The final straw has come though that she has sent me a picture of a dress she wants for her 18th to go out in which she wants her relatives to put together to buy for her is very short very tight fitted, all over lace backless down to the top of her bum which is the kind of dress that only looks good if you have a model figure and I can't buy it for her knowing how awful it would look on her. She has great legs and a gorgeous curvy bum but from her bum up a large belly and very big on her back and shoulders and arms.

How can I tell her that this kind of dress will just look ridiculous and that she really needs to start wearing clothes that fit her without being accused of 'body shaming', I love her dearly, she is a stunning girl with amazing hair but I know people stop and stare at her for the wrong reasons and it breaks my heart.

I know you mean well, but like some people here, I found the 'she is a slob' and 'she is embarrassing' comments awful.' And saying she looks ridiculous. :eek: If this is how you think about her, I'm not sure you should be saying anything as it sounds like you have the tact of a bulldozer!

Poor girl, only 18, her mates all skinny, and her a size 16, she must feel dreadful enough as it is, without her mother thinking like this. (And an 18 year old girl who is a size 16 WILL class it as big although it's not actually that huge.)

OK, so I'm not gonna have a go at you any more, as I think maybe you just worded it badly, but please be a little more tactful. 18 is a very tender and vulnerable age. IMO, you should just say 'it doesn't quite look right darling, maybe a size bigger?' Gently telling her that she is beautiful and has great hair/legs/teeth etc, but her clothes are a little bit tight is the way to go IMO.

Please don't use phrases like 'you look ridiculous with your belly protruding.'

There is no easy way to tell people they are overweight, but she does need to know her clothes are too tight, otherwise people may be mocking her behind her back.

And kudos to her for having a job and going to college! Doesn't sound like a slob to me! That is a really unkind thing to call your daughter.

slob

From google. Definition of slob.

noun
1.
informal
a person who is lazy and has low standards of cleanliness.
"he's a slob and expects others to clean up after him"
synonyms: layabout, good-for-nothing, sluggard, slug, laggard; lout, oaf; slacker, couch-potato, pig; informal slummock, yob, chav

FBaby

Don't ever, ever admit to her that you are embarrassed by the way she looks. At 18, that would be absolutely crushing I imagine

I don't totally agree with this. I think it is very much about you approach the discussion. Of course the word 'embarrassed' shouldn't come into it, but I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing with your children that they are, or are becoming overweight.

The reason why I don't think there is any point in this instance is because that discussion should have taken place years ago and because it didn't, I can only imagine OP's DD reaction will be 'why are you telling me now' and therefore will only be seen as criticism resorting in defensiveness.