How do I tell my daughter she is overweight?

milliemonster

My lovely girl is 18 next month, she's been a big girl since she was 9 and although I've tried to steer her into a healthy lifestyle she's turned into a bit of a slob, apart from college 3 days a week and a small part time job in between she hardly leaves the house, she slobs around in pyjamas most of the day isn't sporty or active at all and has no interest.

The thing is, she is a size 16 minimum, which is fine, but she refuses to see this and instead buys size 12 clothes and forces herself into them, she insists she is a size 34 bra which when I see her in them cut into her flesh so bad I can't actually see her bra strap as they are far too tight, I've tried to broach it gently with her that it doesn't matter what size it says on her clothes, more that they fit and look great as opposed to too tight, she then accuses me of 'body shaming'

I've backed off from saying anything now, but it's frankly embarrassing when I see her dressed in leggings so tight I can see her underwear through and crop tops with them which when she has a protruding belly just look ridiculous.

The final straw has come though that she has sent me a picture of a dress she wants for her 18th to go out in which she wants her relatives to put together to buy for her is very short very tight fitted, all over lace backless down to the top of her bum which is the kind of dress that only looks good if you have a model figure and I can't buy it for her knowing how awful it would look on her. She has great legs and a gorgeous curvy bum but from her bum up a large belly and very big on her back and shoulders and arms.

How can I tell her that this kind of dress will just look ridiculous and that she really needs to start wearing clothes that fit her without being accused of 'body shaming', I love her dearly, she is a stunning girl with amazing hair but I know people stop and stare at her for the wrong reasons and it breaks my heart.

Fireflyaway

Maybe she knows, but is in denial especially if her friends are slimmer? Could you go shopping and encourage her to try a bigger size and then compliment her on how much better it looks? When its on nobody knows what's on the label but if it skims over the fat rather than clinging she will look better. Easier said than done.
Or have you tried explaining things from a health point of view? Could you exercise together? Are you slim? If not, join slimming world together?
I do feel sometimes you just have to be blunt! Reassure her how great she is, how kind, funny or whatever and you love her no matter what but you wouldn't be doing your job as a mum if you didn't warn her. You are warning her to protect her from negative comments and because you care for her health.
My mum told me I am fat and I didn't get hurt because I know she is right. She is worried for my health just as I would be worried about my daughter. Don't keep going on though or it will get her down and she might eat more ( that's what I do).
Re the dress. Just be honest and tell her. Explain the reason and offer to buy her some earrings to go with it instead.

ani*fan

Hi there

This is an interesting question and you clearly sound concerned. I just wanted to share a few thoughts.

Your daughter already knows what she looks like. No teenage girl is unaware of that. She'll be struggling with female ideals, trying to find her own identity, keep up with her mates and a whole pile of other very difficult things. She needs your support.

You describe her as 'lovely' at the start of your post, then go on to call her a slob and say she is embarrassing. You need to stop that. Your daughter is doing a course and has a job. By any standard she is doing well. She has beautiful legs and hair, try seeing her as more than a big stomach.

Bra buying can be a great experience for a mum and daughter to share, a girlie thing that can bring them closer. Offer to buy her a new and fabulous one. Go shopping together, make a day of it, get her properly measured and show her that you approve of her, have lunch together, share a good time.

Mostly, give your daughter and yourself a break and stop overthinking what she looks like. There is so much more to her than that and in 10 years' time you can look back at old photos and have a giggle, like we all do, about the dodgy clothing choices we've made over the years.

Best of luck.

DigForVictory

Every other blighter will judge, as is 'their prerogative', but you as her mum, are supposed to stand up for her. Very difficult, some days.

So no, you don't tell her she's fat - but you do let the GP say so, & driver her to & from dietitians, slimming world, & whatever activities she's interested in. (Rifle shooting? Think outside the box a bit?)

Rather than declining this dress on grounds of taste, definitely go bra shopping & then look at frocks that benefit from the better definition given.

She's only a size 16? Then she's *well* aware of the limitations, but has a job & college course. Frankly, treat yourself to a new & glorious (& likely hand wash only) bra, too!

FBaby

You can't tell her. She is an adult and can do what she wants. Many young girls dress like this despite their size, so from her perspective, it is not abnormal and that could be -rightly- her argument. The fact that you don't like it doesn't mean she can't dress as she wishes.

Unfortunately, it is when she was much younger that you should have had that discussion. I know, pointless to mention it now, but it does mean that it is now up to her. What matters is whether she likes herself the way she is or not. If she is, let her be. If she's not, then let her come to you to ask for advice.

OldMotherTucker

When my daughter and I were at odds over her choice of dress for a friends wedding, I took her to a department store with a personnal shopping service.

Instead of the usual hooker dresses/heels/g-string combo she came home with white designer jeans, a printed silk camisole and flat shoes. They even sorted her out with a decent bra. I know it cost a bit but she wasn't going to hear it from me!

Person_one

As above your daughter is 18 and living in a world where women and girls' looks are scrutinised and discussed more than ever. She knows what she looks like. You absolutely do not need to tell her.

You're her mum, what she will need from you is the certainty that, unlike the rest of the world that is intent on judging her on looks above all else, you don't care what she looks like, you love everything about her regardless of that big belly. Please don't make her feel like you are a bit disappointed and bothered that you have a slightly fat daughter. Think of all the wonderful things about her that are a million times more important, and if the fact that she's a size 16 is the worst thing about her then she is doing pretty damn well in my book!

Don't ever, ever admit to her that you are embarrassed by the way she looks. At 18, that would be absolutely crushing I imagine.

Ilona

Hello. I'm just wondering where she is getting her food from. Does she live at home with you, or elsewhere? Does she have money to buy her own food?

She is copying all teenagers from what she sees all around her, at the moment the plus size girls are in the limelight. There's nothing wrong with being a bit bigger, but if it continues it will affect her health. Are you in a position to steer her towards a healthy diet and more exercise. If you yourself are a bit heavy maybe you could suggest doing this together as a new year resolution.

Ilona

AylesburyDuck

Your damned if you do and damned if you dont.
Everybody knows that a mother cant do right for doing wrong.
Take her out to get the dress on one condition, she trys both sizes (in her choice of dress), IE the size she'd buy and the size you'd buy, you will however buy the size she chooses.
She's not stupid she will buy the one SHE considers looks the best, and at the end of the day its her feelings that matter and not yours.
At the end of the day my daughter could go out in her PJ's and she'd never embarrass me, it's whats on the inside that counts, not what its wrapped in.

Mupette

I'd go for the underwear buying trip, a treat to get measured properly, an independent shop if possible, not M&S or other department stores, I've found these are usually way off the mark.

Make it a girly day.

Ok so you feel she is overweight, I should imagine if she is squeezing into clothes too small then she knows too, but it's following fashion and friends that is more important to her than what you think, it's a teen thing.

She has a part time job and at college, great, not so many teens have such luck.

You call her a slob, sits around at home all day in her pj's - This could be a self esteem thing, not wanting to do sports or anything energetic.

You could be really sly if you are in charge of foods she eats at home, switch what you cook, lots of stuff on the internet of SW meals, don't keep carp in the home.

Support her, the more you criticise her the more she will dig her heels in.

lippy1923

Some people on here say you cant tell her. I would go with the opposite approach. The same one I tell my friends on a night out and would expect my friends to tell me. If my outfit looks god awful I would rather be told the truth so I can see things outside of my rose tinted view than be told lies, that it looks fab, when really my belly is spilling over.
It's no different from those delusional people who go on xfactor thinking they can sing, having their mothers tell them their pitch is perfect, when in reality its like scratching nails down a chalk board.


How you go about telling her is the question, not if you should tell her. Some good advice on here to try. Just be honest and as supportive as you can, but never lie to make her feel better. Others will not be so kind.