How do I tell my daughter she is overweight?

Loz01

Definitely suggest shopping with her, maybe say you need a new bra and want to go to M&S or somewhere and get it fitted and suggest she does the same? Its actually bad for you to wear bras that are too small, it stops circulation and never mind all that buzz about cutting off lymph drainage etc etc (dunno how true it all is...) - clothes will look much better as well when she's got a properly fitted bra.

happy35

If she has fab legs and hair but carrying a bit of weight around the middle would she consider some shapewear? I am a size 8 but still have a slip from m&s to smoothe everything out, I think loads of young people wear them (I am in my 40s though). Alongside a new well fitting bra and she will have a good foundation to make a skimpy dress look much better.

I don't think you need to tell her she is overweight she will know she isn't thin even if she is in a bit of a denial phase. I would however be honest that things look a bit tight but suggest a size bigger or a different style such as sleeves instead of strapless etc, but I wouldn't force it as you don't want to destroy confidence either.

Being a student with as job is something to be proud of, many her age are doing nothing and have very little interest in changing this.

missbiggles1

BrassicWoman wrote: »

if the daughter were here asking for weight advice all this content about how to lose weight/ healthy vs not would be pertinent.

As it is,
a) fat people know they are fat, just like smokers know it is unhealthy, and drinkers know drink is not good
b) mum seems to be coming from a position other than unconditional love. How will restating known things help?

We're just rehashing the overly simplistic viewpoints on a complex subject, once again.

You can love someone (even unconditionally) and not be blind to their failings.

OneYorkshireLass

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I can't help but wonder what size all the thin people I see wear - a 4?

Yes! I have been a size 6 for many years, and just had to order an ASOS dress in a size 4 because the 6 was massive! Clothes designers only seem to think about the length and width of clothes, and not the arm holes, chest depth etc, which were completely out of proportion.
Have found a lot recently that the smaller sizes are becoming larger ...

I used to be a size 8, and my weight hasn't changed since I was in high school!

Mojisola

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I've lost weight this year, and only became a "healthy weight" at a size 10, which I did find quite shocking having never worn a size 10 before (or 12 or 14 for that matter - clothes sizing has changed a lot!)

I've got some 1950s dress patterns - size 16 measurements are 36/30/40 inches (bust, waist, hips).

Modern ASOS size 16 is 41/33/43.

BrassicWoman

FBaby wrote: »

Was it a case that she didn't love you though? Of course parental love should be unconditional, but to me, loving your children is being honest with them and wanting the best for them. You can say 'you need to watch your weight' and 'I love you dearly' in the same breath.

You can say whatever you like but you can't determine how a teenager will interpret it.

You seem very determined in your point of view here. I clearly don't agree; just the kind of behaviour you described has left me entirely f'd up. The underlying message is always "you don't fit my view of the daughter I want", however you may say it.

Mrs_Ryan

There are some lovely clothes for bigger girls if you know where to look. River Island's Plus range is amazing, I buy a lot of my clothes from there. Mostly larger versions of the normal range and the quality is excellent. Not cheap but I've found the stuff I've bought from there holds up well and lasts. Simply Be have some fab things too, especially some beautiful, fashionable dresses- I bought my gorgeous graduation dress from there. Both of these are online although Simply Be does have some shops.
I can sort of understand the squeezing yourself into smaller clothes though. I went down to a size 14-16 from a 28 and although I was 14 stone and classed as obese I was told by several people that I looked ill as I have quite a heavy build. I fell ill with gallstones and put a lot of weight back on quite quickly so I ended up squeezing into my size 14's and I looked awful. I'm the opposite now- I buy my jeans in a 24 (I'm a 20-22) just so I have plenty of room as anything too tight sets my chronic pain off.

FBaby

You seem very determined in your point of view here. I clearly don't agree; just the kind of behaviour you described has left me entirely f'd up. The underlying message is always "you don't fit my view of the daughter I want", however you may say it.

I think we are both expressing our opinion based on our experience however, I don't think it is fair to make generalisations based on them.

I don't dispute that it is very possible that your mother didn't love you conditionally, and an outcome of that is that she was taunting your about your weight.

However, my experience is that I have always been grateful for my parents for being honest with me and interpreted it as them loving me and wanting the best for me, even if sometimes, the truth hurt.

I have the same approach with my OH. I want him to be totally honest with me because this way, he can be my sounding board. We don't always seen things ourselves. If he tells me I have put on weight, or an outfit doesn't look good on me, I don't take it as criticism but as him telling me how he sees things and that's part of him loving and trusting me enough to feel that he can be totally honest.

What matters though is that even when I have put on weight, or I know I don't look my best, he also continues to tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. That's why I trust his judgement. I hope -and think- my kids feel the same when I am honest with them.

Aced2016

I get where you are coming from even though it may sound harsh.

But I certainly would not want my girls walking out the front door looking redicilous, it would upset me.

However it's tough as you don't want to crush her.

I'd call debenhams and arrange a personal shopper. Then tell her as a treat for her 18th ur taking her on a girlie day, get fitted for a bra and outfit. The shopper will be picking her size also so means you won't. Make it a fun day, be positive and encouraging and pay her compliments. It may be a turnaround !!!

By wanting to dress like that she's craving some attention. So try this and see if it can be for the right reasons !

And if you do the cooking at home, Mabye make a few tweaks and changes and buy less of the bad good. I fully appreciate st college and work she will be buying herself food though. And going forward Mabye say you want to join a local class and ask her to come ?

Good luck but just tred carefully, I'd go about this very tactfully. Girls and their weight is a very sensitive thing.

splishsplash

You can certainly tell your daughter she is overweight, OP, but that just makes you Captain Obvious and doesn't do anything about the unhealthy choices she's making.
It certainly won't make her lose the weight overnight, and even if you do succeed in changing her outfit for the night out, at what cost? Crush her confidence, make her feel inadequate?

If I were in your shoes, I would be working towards helping her make healthier choices. This will be a process which will take a while.
Look at the wheel of change motivational interviewing for tips on how to approach the subject with your daughter.

Learn about self-determination theory and how to facilitate your daughter to change her behaviours by making sure her basic needs are met - autonomy, competence and relatedness.

Let her come to want to change by herself. It's the only way she will form new lasting habits.

It's a good time to start - Happy New Year!