From debt to freedom...

Humdinger1

HSL I know it's hard but have to agree that if a child not living with you wants access it has to be at a time that suits you.  Or keep possessions where they live.  What does your lawyer say? Love Humdinger xx 

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you SH, Suffolksue & Humdinger.

SH - The only thing that has happened towards Christmas is  getting the decorations up, although the DCs did that last week when I was at the Christmas work do! I’ve got Christmas cards that need to be written and all gifts to buy😱. I will have to make the £ stretch as far as I can.

The only plans I have for today is a decent walk at some point, the writing of the Christmas cards and a shift for job 2.

Sun_Addict

I would say that legally cutting ties with your ex is an emergency so a good use of the fund. Sounds like he’s telling the DC what to say. What a nasty piece of work he is. No wonder he’s your ex.

janb5

Hi HSL

I think X2BH may be' slow dripping' the DC as to their 'rights' to excuse the keeping of the keys and other interferences...
                        

Parkyp

Hopefully you won’t have much more to pay in legal fees.  Think ex is playing games with dc. I’d ask them to remove their stuff maybe say trying to create more space etc. 

You must be exhausted physically and mentally. I hope you manage to get organised for Christmas when schools close, do you still work job 3 when schools close?

It was nice to hear you had a lovely Christmas night out. 

Take care and look after yourself, your doing an amazing job. 

savingholmes

If I were you I wouldn't bother with the Xmas cards. Conserve your energy. Prioritise sorting gifts for kids. Go with online or CS or FB options. Manage their expectations. Ask for help.

Spendless

Just having another catch up and another oh my gosh - moment! 'The legal right to access their stuff' . Nip any future conversation along those lines with the words 'when I'm present'  I'm not asking you to spill the beans on which DC it was, but by my calculations, 2 of them are legally adults. That's no more acceptable legally or otherwise than me accessing my parents home for something I left there when I moved out (many moons ago!) and the younger one doesn't reside with you, so not convinced there either. Your DD3 is correct. Please tell me she's interested in perusing a legal career, sounds like she'd be good at it. 

I also think ex is manipulating at least one of the children that live with him. Eventually the child in turn may realise (fingers crossed) and that may mean that given time (even if years from now)  they become in need of their own therapy to deal with it. Be prepared even if you have no emotional energy to deal with it yourself, to point them in the right direction of professional help. I have realised only this week that I too have been charmed and manipulated by someone (not a family member) and though I'm shocked by this realisation, it has also brought great awareness, clarity and relief. 

Did you also have a word with the resident key holding children to not hand over the key without your knowledge and permission?

Boxing up all their stuff and asking them to remove it to their Dad's place sounds like a good plan. 

Just do what you can for Christmas. It's ok to cut corners. Sometimes trying to compensate can be worse than just explaining the situation and accepting it for what it is. When DD was 8, my Nan who had had Christmas dinner with us for many years, walked out literally just as dinner was being served. She claimed we were 'playing music in order to hypnotise her'. She was actually having a psychotic episode and was detained under the MH act the following month. I called my parents who came and got her and along with my husband took her back to her flat. Meanwhile I forced myself to eat the dinner I no longer wanted with the kids (DH was warmed up later) in an attempt to 'disguise' what had happened and not ruin Christmas as 'Nan had had to go home unwell' thinking they wouldn't remember, I was wrong.  DD truly believed until a few weeks ago this was the last time she was ever at our home Christmas Day and from then on we dined just the 4 of us. This isn't correct after being discharged from the psychiatric ward  Nan spent a few years at home, still coming to us for Christmas day, before going into a Nursing home with dementia, where she still is aged 97! She said she hated our just us Christmas dinners from then on. I had to timeline it for her before she understood she was mistaken 


Far better for me, to have acknowledged that year there was a problem, even if it meant uneaten or later eaten dinners and made more of a fuss about subsequent ones.  

CRANKY40

I haven't bothered with Christmas cards for years. I speak to the people that matter and hug the ones that I can reach. Presents for kids could be a small token gift with some cash and explain to them that they will get more for their money if they wait until Boxing Day onwards in the sales? Start them young in the ways of MSE? Hugs anyway, this time of year can be difficult enough without people going out of their way to make it more stressful.  

Honeysucklelou2

Thank you Janb5, SH, Spendless, Parkyp and Cranky40.

Been absent for a few days trying to pull myself together. On Saturday, I was sat at the kitchen table writing out a menu plan and subsequent shopping list. Without any warning, prior notice, text, phone call, knock or doorbell ringing,  the ex suddenly appeared in the kitchen telling me he’d come for his things. I have no problem with him collecting what he wants but the manner in which it was done was like being raided. I had previously asked, via the solicitor, that any furniture that was used by us, I would be given sufficient notice of its removal so that I would have enough time to purchase a replacement but this didn’t happen. I ended up having to empty big pieces of furniture and put the contents into any cardboard boxes we had. It was just horrible. DS2 appeared as he’d be asked to help move some furniture but when he saw what was  happening he left as he was appalled by what was happening. The older DDs were out Christmas shopping so ended up putting DS3 in front of a film so that he was distracted from what was going on.  The kitchen table and chairs went...he did leave a replacement table outside which is much smaller, but took  most of the chairs. Thankfully when   church friends realised what had happened, I’ve been loaned some chairs so we can at least eat around the table. I think I ended up feeling as if I was in shock. The house still looks awful as there are boxes everywhere, but will have to tackle as I can.

DD1 came home  for Christmas the next day  and promptly tested positive for Covid, so Christmas plans are very much muted. 

I’m very thankful to have got out for a couple of walks since term ended. On the day of the furniture fiasco, I must have looked so stressed that on her return from Christmas shopping,  DD2 took me to the beach for a blast of sea air.

sashybo

Oh Honeysuckle your ex is such a nightmare. 🤬 Taking the kitchen table & chairs right before Christmas. 🤬

So glad your church friends were able to help you out.

Let’s hope that 2022 is the year that you can finally get your divorce sorted and stop the ex’s entitled behaviour of walking into your house and taking your things!! It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part. 

Sorry to hear about DD1 having Covid. I hope you have a lovely Christmas regardless, you deserve it. Sending love. ❤️