OH been accused of having an affair

FBaby

I just find it all very odd that the OH has apparently agreed to change his tel no, stopped social media, offered to change job (despite her not working there), and god knows what else if he's innocent. I'd be going effing mental and shouting my innocence from the rooftops and going round her house to have it out with her in front of my OH! Fair enough, we're all different, but, sorry, it just doesn't ring true/add up to me either... Seems very story-ish to me rather than factual. Also agree some strange wording.

I totally agree with this, and that's the bit that for me, if I was in OP shoes, I would be totally suspicious. Too much effort to do anything to reassure OP, not enough to clear his name. I guess different people have different level of anger, but I fail to believe that anyone accused of having an affair wouldn't prioritise clearing up the matter.

My gut feeling is that it wasn't a full on affair, but still went far enough to have cross the line, ie. the body parts were his indeed.

As to saying that OP is a troll, maybe, but I don't get why it couldn't be true. Nothing that fantasist, I've seen much more surreal in real life!

Mupette

The slating of his co workers, attractive husband, step children, only thing missing is the love of the Royals.

[Deleted User]

OP at the moment I think you are 'reacting' because of the shock and hurt you are feeling. This is making you reassess EVERYTHING and perhaps give higher significance to things that you wouldn't pay much attention to ordinarily.

Yes, he's been a bit of a self involved superficial idiot but this can happen without a person realising (over time) when you are in a 'gym' community. We all like to fit in. Part of it probably is down to his age. But liking his physique is a double edged coin, without meaning to, you encouraged this superficiality too. It was almost inevitable he's ended up where he is.

I think the remarks about where you are at, in comparison must have really shaken you up. Probably unhelpful but you could perhaps use this to create a commonality, go to a gym together if physique is so important to you both. Create and achieve goals together rather than apart. Or do something you both like together.

You can use this upheaval to make the relationship even better. It sounds to me that there has been a developing distance between you. Rather than concentrating on the hurt of past behaviour (in which I am convinced he did not transgress, he has just behaved like a bit of an idiot), use it to create a better relationship in the future. In a way, this could be the making of the relationship.

MilkNoSugar

Right, I wasn't going to comment again, but I can see there have been plenty of posts since my last, with too many questions.

FBaby wrote: »

I'm totally confused now. What has he admitted to do wrong? Because I agree with others that I don't think there is anything wrong at all with what he has admitted in terms of his social interaction with his colleagues.

Now I'm starting to wonder if he is pretending that he was wrong with his 'banter' so it can defuse what he really did wrong.

If not though why are you so upset at the confession that he was treating his female colleagues as 'mates'? And so what if they boosted his ego? You don't stop liking to feel attractive just because your older. And attractive is not just having a nice bod.

Firstly, I know for a fact that if this had been me texting other men at work, he would have gone absolutely ballistic. He has admitted that when he saw the number of texts on his phone to these people, and that they were obviously appearing at the top of his text list, he knew it was probably not a good thing, and started to routinely delete the texts. I've never looked at his phone before, I didn't feel I needed to, but his own feeling of guilt, and knowing I wouldn't approve are enough to make me realise he knowingly did this.

I have to take his word for it all just being 'banter'. I have no texts to read to prove it. If I want us to stay together/move forward this is what I have to believe.

geek111 wrote: »

The whole thing is odd, I would be suspicious of this guy. You wouldn't stand and take punches plus you would want to explain everything up front, even if it meant you would be late for work. He has had time to think about what he can say. I also think the whole flexing his biceps for the women at work is weird. I work with guys that go to the gym but they don't do that stuff at work. I would try and speak to the woman involved and would be telling her that you are unhappy that your OH has been drawn in to all of this...

OH doesn't work in a typical 'office' environment and turning up late to clock in would have had to be explained to management. For obvious reasons he is not wanting his workplace to be too aware of his stupidity. The workers either have a uniform, of sorts, or it's trousers/polo shirt style dress. Apparently the flexing muscles thing came about when a couple of workers had seen him at the gym in his gym gear, the jokey 'flex your muscles' comment was made, and it had become a standing joke.... or so he says.

There are over 100 staff, on first name terms, he claims he never knew the woman having the affair/abusive marriage's second name, she had a nickname eg. Vic, for Vicky, Victoria etc. He has no idea where they live, except knows it's in our town somewhere, maybe on the new housing estate. He knows only a small percentage of the other work colleagues' surnames, due to not working immediately alongside them all day, it's a large building complex and most are away from his base office on site, but he has reason to be around the buildings as part of his job monitoring things.

melanzana wrote: »

However, he works in an environment where 80%+ of the workforce are female, not all of them from the nicest of families or backgrounds. He looks very good for his age, with an enviable physique, that belies his age.

I really really do not think either of those comments are actually normal.

These are his words not mine. He says they aren't the most educated of people, it's manual work, quite a few have English as a second language. With a small town/rural area there are certain elements/families that become well-known to not be so nice. I grew up in a larger town, so this is a bit unusual for me, but I also work in this town, and understand it. Old long standing families, notoriety, etc.

How would OP know about the 80% and their backgrounds anyway?

See above. It's a generalisation, but when you don't need 3 GCSE's to get a job there, you may have an idea.

And would anyone ever put out that oh has an eviable physique? I think many would try to think of their love and caring for us first.

I was trying to put a perspective. It's perhaps also how OH sees himself. A lot of his contemporaries (my friends' OH's included) have gained quite a lot of weight over the years, pot bellied, balding, don't do a lot of exercise, drink, smoke, etc. OH works hard to maintain a muscular frame and a six pack. I suppose it's not the average 50+ build, maybe I'm wrong, and my friends and other work colleagues of a similar generation are the abnormality?

Just bizarre and ridiculous.

I have spent the evening/night/today trying to put it into perspective. I'm trying to believe what he is saying. If I think otherwise, we couldn't stay together. I've taken it so hard because I have a very strong moral code. I wouldn't do what he's done. He knows I have this very black & white way of viewing things at times, and understands that I do have it within me to just turn my back if I have been wronged. It's not always a nice trait. I struggle with forgiveness. I'm looking to find acceptance at least. I keep looking at the phone bills and seeing how the texts to other people outnumber those to me each month. He's told me it won't change the numbers, and I'm just picking at the same scab by doing so. He wants me to focus on what I want to happen now. Can I say I want us to stay together?

We went to the phone shop in a nearby town today, looked at both our phone contracts, and as there was only 2 months to go on both we've paid them off. He got a new SIM only deal but with a new number for £11 p/m down from £27, and I got my current one paid off for £40, and took out a SIM only deal/upgrade but kept my number the same for £9 p/m, from paying £37 p/m (I've paid off the iphone credit agreement and not upgraded the handset) :money:

He suggested this was a way to prevent anyone who had his number before contacting him, and felt it was the best way to try to allay my fears that it could crop up again, ie. an ex colleague contacting him, etc. This of course is down to him not giving the number out again. I can still log on to the bill to check numbers being texted. Apparently his workplace have 2 mobile phones for workers to use when off-site, so he will use one of those. He just needs to speak to the office manager to explain why in a discrete way, but he is sure it should be OK to use them if he needs to be contacted by another work colleague if off-site (his job entails him having to do so daily).

I've told him if he was of a mind he could always have a hidden PAYG phone, but if we are to move on, I have to try to trust him. Only time will tell.

He has replaced his Snapchat with a new account with only me and the children.

The code lock for his phone has been removed.

I don't want to get into having to check his phone. I think that would be a toxic way to continue, but if I need/want to, I can I guess.

I am trying to get things into context (if I believe him). He says he is sorry, but knows what he did wasn't a betrayal of me, it was friendly, perhaps bordering on flirtatious, but he didn't ever intend it to be anything more. However, he totally understands why I am so angry and upset. If the boot were on the other foot, he would be just the same, if not worse because he is less prone to be trusting like I have been.

Pollycat - yes he has mentioned my weight before, and I have too. He's worried I may be heading for health issues, I have a sibling with Type II diabetes, knee joint issues, high cholesterol, etc. and I am approaching their age. He has always, and still has been saying how attractive he finds me, but I am aware that I've put on about 2 stone+ in weight in recent years. Before I would have tackled it, but I've struggled to focus to do so.

I referred to them as 'step-children' because they are, and with all the will in the world, sometimes it does have a bearing on how you can deal with issues when they crop up. Only my children live at home, and they aren't angels at times. He's never raised a voice, let alone a hand to them in all the time we've been together, but says he parents them my way, not necessarily how he would, especially in the teen years.

Our recent relationship has been difficult. I had been anticipating a proposal from him in the past couple of years (after he let it slip about 3yrs ago he'd got a plan), but it didn't happen. Other family circumstances did dictate in some respects, but the longer it didn't happen, the more I've resented it. I did withdraw somewhat, I was passively aggressive, brooding and snappy, but without telling him why. It was like he had dangled the carrot (carat!) and never came good on the promise. It culminated in a completely unrelated issue with the children triggering the discussion, whereby he said he didn't feel I was giving 100%, and I admitted I wasn't, and why. This was in the past 3 months, and we had been in a really good place, both putting in effort. However, the text with the woman having the affair occurred during this time, and he still kept it a secret. He still has no answer as to why he kept that a secret, other than he didn't feel it relevant to tell me, as I didn't really know the person and it didn't seem relevant or important to mention it later that day after the text exchange.

Deannatrois OH has actually said much the same yesterday and today. If I'm as unhappy with my weight as I've said, he will get me signed up at the gym again (I went years ago) and will go with me, he'll go on walks or bike rides, swimming, whatever I want - he draws the line at dancing. He has suggested this several times over the years, trying to encourage me to be less of a couch potato (my words, not his) when I'm not at work. I had already agreed with some ladies at work that we start our own in work slimming club, so we are all getting weighed next week when we go into work. We've all done the usual slimming clubs, but feel our own joint effort and encouragement will be beneficial. One colleague has PCOS and really struggles, so I'm going to start lunchtime walks with her. I'd already got this planned though, so I am doing it for me, not anyone else.

I am attempting to calm down my anger and upset to assess what I want for the future. Do I really want to throw away almost 15 years together, split up the family unit we've worked hard to maintain over what might only be some texts? It's whether I can just see it that simply. I'm aware that I sound like a complete nutjob seeing it as relationship ending if it is that simple.

hazyjo

If he accused you of having an affair with someone from work and their missus had come round screaming at you on the doorstep and slapped you three times, how do you think you might be acting? Would you be changing your phone and deleting social media accounts or changing privacy settings?

Jx

FBaby

I am trying to get things into context (if I believe him). He says he is sorry, but knows what he did wasn't a betrayal of me, it was friendly, perhaps bordering on flirtatious, but he didn't ever intend it to be anything more. However, he totally understands why I am so angry and upset. If the boot were on the other foot, he would be just the same, if not worse because he is less prone to be trusting like I have been.

There are two possibilities, one he has been totally truthful with you, or he hasn't. I personally think that you are being a bit to blind to the possibility that he hasn't in light of the many inconsistencies in his behaviour and statements, but you have chosen to focus on believing him and that's fair enough.

However, I think the way you are dealing with what you believe to be the issue is very unhealthy. You are saying that he didn't do anything wrong, but YOU have an issue with it because of your insecurities, and therefore HE should make changes to make you secure. Clearly he is fully going along with it right now because he knows that challenging it at this stage could mean losing you. I do fear though that as time go by, he realises that what you are asking him to do is a form of control, asking him to be a person who isn't who he really is, just so that you don't have to face what is your issues, ie. your insecurities.

I agree that we all have some level of insecurities and a loving partner should be prepared to make some efforts to alleviates them, but when this means crossing the line and start to become controlling, then it isn't right. I personally think that asking him to stop having healthy banter with colleagues and any form of communication with them is crossing the line. They will question his change of behaviour and most likely tease him as a result, so that his feeling bad about himself will shift from your perspective to theirs.

I really think that if you believe that he didn't cross the line with this woman that you should accept that this was nothing else but a misunderstanding that should be laughed at. Ultimately, what you are asking him to do is telling him that you don't trust him. So if you don't trust him, why are you choosing to believe that he couldn't possibly have taken things too far with her?

I think deannatrois post is very pertinent and you do need to work on your relationship, but I would say also on your deep seeded insecurities.

PeacefulWaters

Trust your gut.

My gut says jackanory.

thorsoak

Strange ....two posts - post #3 by me, and post #4 by Fred G have been removed, but post # (by me) has remained - but subsquently all posts have been renumbered .......

Seem to remember this happening to others, on other threads - by Bluelass, for one, for some other AI ... but the whole thread is beginning to develop in the same way. Whether or not the OP is the genuine original TWM or not, it seems to me that we are reading a budding author's exploration of a theme on a plot - testing its credibility.

LilElvis

thorsoak wrote: »

Strange ....two posts - post #3 by me, and post #4 by Fred G have been removed, but post # (by me) has remained - but subsquently all posts have been renumbered .......

They're both still there when I look at page 1 - posts 3 and 4 are by you and FredG.

thorsoak

...but they are the responses that were made to the original posts 3 & 4!