Paying the bill when dating

zagfles

justme111 wrote: »

Certainly.
Zagfles was saying though that as men and women are equal they should pay equally on a first date and did not see anything offputting in a man making a point about it while using derogatory adjectives to describe ones who disagreed
While I would not have automatically discarded a man who made it clear I should pay for my half of a first date if I liked him otherwise it would have been offputting and a sign of possibly a big chip on his shoulder. Ah well we all have some downsides

Think of it that way if it makes you happy

Marvel1

What if it was the woman who suggested the first date, would the woman pay?

justme111

I would say depends what it is - if it is a particular costly activity than I would expect her to pay for her half unless a man wanted to pay for all.If it was costa coffee then I would expect a man to pay. That is if there are no exceptional circumstances in their case. I once met a young (half my age) unemployed chap online; not because either of us thought we could be a couple or have a fling but because both of us were lonely, bored and interested to have a glimpse into other's way of living. Although he suggested meeting I paid for coffee and cake without hesitation.

System

cjdavies wrote: »

What if it was the woman who suggested the first date, would the woman pay?

Yes i think she ought to pay if she suggested it.:)

Fitzmichael

I'm male, and I'm 75 - so not really the one to answer here. I wonder why people apparently now have less choice amongst the people they mix with, whose degree of attractiveness is visible and the pleasantness of whose personality will be to some extent assessable with a little effort (if not by reputation). Was I really unusual (too self-centred to realise I was lucky) that there were always interesting 'girls' around who found me interesting, too? - Sorry, 'feminists', for that word 'girls'; the female staff I worked with till the end of the 90's called themselves collectively 'the girls', and we men (the lads) referred to them as that. After I retired, I was speaking to a woman about my work, and used the term. "You shouldn't say that!" she snapped. "They're women." I told one of the, also retired, 'girls', and she went ballistic. "I appreciate what the feminists did but they boast that they liberated us, yet now they dictate what we call ourselves!"
As for deceitful photos, it was common when I was young for mothers to say to their sons "Make sure to see what she looks like without that makeup on".
As for paying for a date, I did it. (And we didn't think women were 2nd class people.) Women did have jobs in those days but it seems strange that, if I ask someone out, she should share the costs. Even if she had her eye on you, that suggestion of meanness or that she might not be worth it might be enough to put her off.
I'm not an economist, so I don't know (and would be interested to learn, poss from Martin) when/how/why men became unable to support a family. When I married in 1965, I set up a joint account with my wife, into which my salary was paid and from which all household expenses were met, except the shopping she did, which she paid from her account, into which her salary went. It was no problem for her to stop work while our children were small. (No, I didn't think it was her 'job', and neither did she - it was a pleasure, it was natural [outside the rich world of the West] rather than being 'dictated' by selfish fathers.)

Stardustsam

I'm finding the variety of opinions on here quite fascinating (enough to register to comment as a long-term lurker, even).

I'm a woman in my early thirties and I've been dating online for 5 or 6 years now, on and off. I'm also bisexual which means although I mostly go out with men (there's more of them!), I sometimes go out with women and people who define themselves as trans as well. I don't know if being bi has affected my approach (probably?) when it comes to bill-paying but I do treat everybody the same.

First time you meet up: public place, daytime, coffee or other soft drinks (no judgement if they want a pint, though). Probably one round each, take turns paying, whoever asks first pays first. Unless there's at-table service (had a first meet in a tea shop once), in which case split the bill. Occasionally a guy (only ever men) will want to pay for it all himself despite me getting out my purse and I will usually say "I'm happier cutting things straight down the middle". 99% will relent at this point since I have expressed a preference, but some will persist. I will usually just let them if it feels like it will get awkward otherwise.

I think mostly my insistence on paying is a. because I can (I earn above average money and I don't know the other person's situation), and b. if I decide not to see them again after that, nobody has lost out. I have read online that some men think buying a woman dinner entitles them to something physical in return (horrid), but I've never gone out with anyone who's given me that vibe.

The same attitude applies to dates after a first meeting. Once I have established with them that I would like us to contribute equally, deciding on activities also becomes easier - both they and I will veto things we think are not worth the money/too expensive, or I'll happily pay for both tickets to see something I'm excited about and they're only coming with to be with me.

zagfles

Fitzmichael wrote: »

I'm male, and I'm 75 - so not really the one to answer here. I wonder why people apparently now have less choice amongst the people they mix with, whose degree of attractiveness is visible and the pleasantness of whose personality will be to some extent assessable with a little effort (if not by reputation). Was I really unusual (too self-centred to realise I was lucky) that there were always interesting 'girls' around who found me interesting, too? - Sorry, 'feminists', for that word 'girls'; the female staff I worked with till the end of the 90's called themselves collectively 'the girls', and we men (the lads) referred to them as that. After I retired, I was speaking to a woman about my work, and used the term. "You shouldn't say that!" she snapped. "They're women." I told one of the, also retired, 'girls', and she went ballistic. "I appreciate what the feminists did but they boast that they liberated us, yet now they dictate what we call ourselves!"
As for deceitful photos, it was common when I was young for mothers to say to their sons "Make sure to see what she looks like without that makeup on".
As for paying for a date, I did it. (And we didn't think women were 2nd class people.) Women did have jobs in those days but it seems strange that, if I ask someone out, she should share the costs.

If you ask a friend if he fancies a pint down the local, do you buy all the rounds?

Even if she had her eye on you, that suggestion of meanness or that she might not be worth it might be enough to put her off.

Well my wife asked me out on our first date (pub). I didn't consider it at all mean of her not to buy all the drinks. Or that by not doing so she thought I wasn't "worth it" :rotfl: Swap the genders round and it all sounds so ridiculous doesn't it

I'm not an economist, so I don't know (and would be interested to learn, poss from Martin) when/how/why men became unable to support a family.

Probably since house prices got so ridiculous that it takes two earners to afford a family home.

When I married in 1965, I set up a joint account with my wife, into which my salary was paid and from which all household expenses were met, except the shopping she did, which she paid from her account, into which her salary went. It was no problem for her to stop work while our children were small. (No, I didn't think it was her 'job', and neither did she - it was a pleasure, it was natural [outside the rich world of the West] rather than being 'dictated' by selfish fathers.)

That's what we did too (my wife stayed at home when children were young), but that's not the issue here. How you decide to arrange finances etc once married/with children is a different issue - then you're in a committed relationship and it would be pretty odd if say the higher earner didn't contribute more financially and the one not working/working less didn't do more of the housework etc.

But to make a gender based assumption on who pays for the dates right at the start of a relationship is out of the ark.

Fitzmichael

Well, of course, I'm out of the ark, and not everything since then is better.
I wasn't teetotal but also wasn't interested in going out with groups of males or, indeed, spending time in pubs, so I don't know about 'swapping the genders' or making a gender based assumption.
I was only once asked out by a girl; she was 18 and I 20. It was so touching, and it taught me a lot about women and how never to treat them thoughtlessly. She was all you might want, in looks and personality, and I look back on her with love to this day. (Hi, Hilary Brown of Formby and Hugh Baird.) I would happily recount what happened but this isn't the place.

zagfles

Fitzmichael wrote: »

I was only once asked out by a girl; she was 18 and I 20. It was so touching, and it taught me a lot about women and how never to treat them thoughtlessly. She was all you might want, in looks and personality, and I look back on her with love to this day. (Hi, Hilary Brown of Formby and Hugh Baird.) I would happily recount what happened but this isn't the place.

Yes but who paid for the date

ripplyuk

Perhaps Fitzmichael paid. He sounds like a gentleman.

If he's 'out of the ark', then so am I, and I'm less than half his age.

Zagfles, it can be easy to forget that equality is about giving people freedom and choices, not trying to ridicule others who disagree with you.