Paying the bill when dating

zagfles

ripplyuk wrote: »

Not for me. I didn't like him and there was no chance of any relationship developing so it would have felt like I was taking advantage if I'd let him pay it all.

HE was embarrassed though, and kept saying that he wanted to pay. If I'd liked him, I'd have let him, and I think he knew that.

I thought you said the idea of you paying when out with a man was "mortifying"?

ripplyuk

zagfles wrote: »

I thought you said the idea of you paying when out with a man was "mortifying"?

No, if you read back, I was describing when I'm out with my partner.

If I was dating, I'd still expect them to pay at the start. But if it was a guy I never wanted to see again, I'd insist on paying my share.

ripplyuk

zagfles wrote: »

You write that as if he's lost out. No he hasn't. He's avoided wasting time on someone he's incompatible with.

He might well have lost out. They're not necessarily incompatible, perhaps just confused about it. It could be a guy who doesn't mind paying for the first few dates at all, but is afraid to suggest it in case the girl sees it as controlling, old fashioned or whatever.

Many girls like a man to pay for the first few dates, and would be put off if he didn't, but don't expect him to pay beyond that.

It's easy to see by this thread that it could be a bit of a minefield.

19lottie82

Luckily I'm married and have never had to enter the world of online dating but to me it would make sense to meet up for a coffee on the first date rather than a meal, that way you don't have to worry about a larger bill plus you can make a sharp exit if they're not to your liking!

In regards to who pays on dates...... I may get struck down for this, but I would expect the gentleman to offer to pay on the first date. If I didn't think I would be seeing him again then I wouldn't let him pay. If I did want to see him again, I would make it clear that I would pay the next time, and I would insist on doing so. After that i would expect (and want) to take turns in paying the bill.

Marvel1

Too confusing, you don't come across as being too nice and therefore paying, then if you don't pay your tight.

justme111

Zagfles , you seemed to insist men and women are equal hence women should pay the same. My point was that they are not the same. What particular traits of them are the same and what traits are different are up for discussion. I think we all agree that we have the same colour blood but we are different by the way we pee for example. The way we look for a parner is the same in some aspects (looking for someone that bring feeling of wellbeing for example) and different in others (women will consistently higher rate traits related to providing - reliability , strength etc - and men rate higher traits related to reproduction - beauty as an example. Our sexual phisiology is different. It results in men mostly wanting to secure female's acceptance first and thinking whether they need it second while in femalr case it is other way round. Hence our behaviour in dating is different despite both voting, feeling pain by the same mechanisms and both having red blood. Dating is different the same as physical strength and peeing are different. Why do you think if we are different in some things we must be different in all of them and if we are the same in some things we should be the same in all of them ?

zagfles

ripplyuk wrote: »

No, if you read back, I was describing when I'm out with my partner.

If I was dating, I'd still expect them to pay at the start. But if it was a guy I never wanted to see again, I'd insist on paying my share.

So it's "mortifying" if it's your partner but not someone you've only just met? Why? The waiter won't know.

zagfles

ripplyuk wrote: »

He might well have lost out. They're not necessarily incompatible, perhaps just confused about it.

Well personally I would lose absolutely nothing, because I have no interest whatsoever in a woman whose expectation is that I pay for the first few dates.

It could be a guy who doesn't mind paying for the first few dates at all, but is afraid to suggest it in case the girl sees it as controlling, old fashioned or whatever.

Well if he is controlling, old fashioned or whatever, he should act like that instead of pretending to be something he isn't. Then he'll eliminate modern 21st women who he's clearly incompatible with. Just like I eliminate the old fashioned ones

Many girls like a man to pay for the first few dates, and would be put off if he didn't, but don't expect him to pay beyond that.

Who cares what they expect? If they expect different things, then find someone different.

zagfles

19lottie82 wrote: »

Luckily I'm married and have never had to enter the world of online dating but to me it would make sense to meet up for a coffee on the first date rather than a meal, that way you don't have to worry about a larger bill plus you can make a sharp exit if they're not to your liking!

In regards to who pays on dates...... I may get struck down for this, but I would expect the gentleman to offer to pay on the first date. If I didn't think I would be seeing him again then I wouldn't let him pay. If I did want to see him again, I would make it clear that I would pay the next time, and I would insist on doing so. After that i would expect (and want) to take turns in paying the bill.

That's fair enough - alternating paying. It's the expectation of paying for the "first few" dates, like the OP was complaining about, that's the issue.

zagfles

justme111 wrote: »

Zagfles , you seemed to insist men and women are equal hence women should pay the same. My point was that they are not the same. What particular traits of them are the same and what traits are different are up for discussion. I think we all agree that we have the same colour blood but we are different by the way we pee for example. The way we look for a parner is the same in some aspects (looking for someone that bring feeling of wellbeing for example) and different in others (women will consistently higher rate traits related to providing - reliability , strength etc - and men rate higher traits related to reproduction - beauty as an example. Our sexual phisiology is different. It results in men mostly wanting to secure female's acceptance first and thinking whether they need it second while in femalr case it is other way round. Hence our behaviour in dating is different despite both voting, feeling pain by the same mechanisms and both having red blood. Dating is different the same as physical strength and peeing are different. Why do you think if we are different in some things we must be different in all of them and if we are the same in some things we should be the same in all of them ?

How do you think gay people manage in dating?

There may be stereotypical gender related things people look for in a partner, but every individual will be different. We shouldn't act in the way we think will please a generic woman/man but act in a way we think will please our ideal woman/man.

Personally I've never been interested in stereotypical submissive women who expect the man to make life happen for her, make all the decisions, pay for dates, sweep her off her feet, be a knight in shining armour etc etc. I've had a few brief relationships like that but I got bored rigid very early on. So I'm not ever going to waste my time with any woman who shows any signs of being like that.

All theoretical anyway of course as I'm married First date with my wife, she asked me, she suggested the activity, time and place. Such a refreshing change