Admitting you're OK without the kids at Christmas (now they've grown...)

seven-day-weekend

fierystormcloud wrote: »

A woman at work actually shocked some of our colleagues to the core, because she said she didn't mind that her 2 adult children were not coming to Christmas lunch. And one of them isn't even coming on Christmas day at all. And she and her husband are actually perfectly OK with it. :eek:

Oh the horror. Won't someone think of the turkeys?!

Seriously, her son moved 50 miles south, with his girlfriend six months ago, and they are staying with her and her husband for 2 days early this week when they'll swap presents, and have a meal out. Then they're back off to their home and will spend the 23rd to the 25th at her mother's. (who lives 25 miles south of them.)

The daughter (who moved 9 months ago to live with her boyfriend,) lives fairly locally (15 miles away,) and will visit for 3 or 4 hours in the morning and then toddle off to his parents at around 2pm, for late lunch. Then they'll see her again New year's Day afternoon (they're going out to a party New Year's Eve, so are seeing the daughter later in case they're hung over!)

It's the first Christmas without both at home full time, and she said she after 23-24 years, she and her husband are not only enjoying their lives at home with the kids gone, but they're also looking forward to Christmas alone. She said she's looking forward to seeing her son and his girlfriend for a couple of days and going out with them, and also seeing her daughter and boyfriend for a few hours Christmas day, but she is actually excited at the thought of Christmas with just her and her husband.

A few people at work think it's 'weird' to actually be enjoying not only your home and life with the children having left home, but also looking forward to Christmas without them there (hardly.)

'Well what if they decided to come back home?' one woman crowed.

The woman said they would be welcome back of course...'

Another woman is gobsmacked that anyone would be OK with their (adult) children not coming to Christmas dinner, and spending it with someone else's family! And the thought of not even seeing one of the children at all on Christmas day, and 'only seeing them for a few days beforehand...!' :eek:

So is anyone prepared to admit they enjoy Christmas alone with just their partner now the kids have flown the nest? (Or alone with just you if you are a single parent?) Not necessarily that it's better, or you're glad they've gone, and you probably loved the Christmases with them when they were kids, but just that you are enjoying it without kids there...

The woman in question said she and her husband have thoroughly enjoyed 20-ish Christmases with their children, and a few years ago, actually dreaded the thought of Christmas without them. But, she said, this past 2 or 3 years, the kids have been sullen and anti-Christmas anyway, just mooching about in their bedrooms, going out with mates, messing the house up, and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. And since they left (only several months apart,) the relationships with them have been fantastic. They meet twice monthly, go out for meals, go on day trips, go to the theatre or cinema, all meet up together with their children's partner's families now and again, and all live their adult lives.

As I said though, a few people seem shocked that she and her husband are OK with the kids not only leaving home, but also not being at home for Christmas...

Thoughts, opinions???

The most enjoyable Christmas we ever had was when my husband and I lived in Spain and we took a roast chicken and a bottle of wine to a deserted and windswept beach on Christmas Day, had a wonderful picnic and then just sat on a rock and spent an hour watching and listening to the waves.

I did not miss my son or other family members one bit.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/Travel/leadAssets/23/16/monsul620_2316098a-large.jpg

lessonlearned

Loz01 wrote: »

My work colleague was fretting as every year they drive either to her Mum and Dads or her OH's Mum and Dads with 3 kids. When I said why don't you just stay home with the kids in your own home she said they aren't allowed!!! This is a 40 something year old woman with 3 kids aged 8-12... I said I would just phone up and tell the parties involved "We've decided to have xmas at home as a family this year with the kids"... everyone looked at me like I was mad.

I don't have any kids so maybe this is a radical suggestion... anyone?

I married my late husband when I was 31 and we had our first child when I was 33.

Up until then We had both spent every single Christmas slogging up and down motorways, battling on overcrowded trains etc visiting our respective parents for Christmas.

The year we had our first child my husband said...that's it I'm am never spending Christmas Day in someone elses house ever again......this is our home, our family we do it our way. The parents are welcome here but that's it we are not dragging our baby away from his home at Christmas.

His mother (of course) blamed me..... so got quite a shock when he told her it was his idea not mine.

Now my boys are in their 30s and I still "do" Christmas. I can't wait for them to take over......:rotfl:

This year I said I am not cooking a turkey.....can't stand the stuff. And definitely no sprouts. They thought it was hilarious.

fierystormcloud

Wonderful array of replies. Thank you.

Seems the general consensus is that it's not a big deal to feel fine with your offspring not spending Christmas with you, and some people actually enjoy it. Pretty cool that people don't feel afraid to admit it too. It's one of the last taboos I think, to admit you enjoy time without your children! :eek:

As my eldest sister said (when I discussed this with her,) just because you enjoy time without them, that doesn't mean you don't enjoy time with them. In addition, one of my close friends had a Christmas alone with her husband last year, when their daughter (18,) went away from 20th to 27th December with her boyfriend to Canada, and she spoke to her via skype for half hour Christmas day. But despite not having the daughter home over Christmas, she said she loved the week with just her and her husband. She also does not visit extended family over the 25th-28th, preferring to see them before.

The lady at work, and my friend, have had many wonderful Christmases with their kids during the 18-20 years they were growing up, and they had many wonderful ones before they were born too - with their husbands for a few years, and their parents and siblings as a child/teen. So I think it's perfectly fine to enjoy it with just the 2 of you (or just you.)

The way I feel is if you see your family all year round and have a good relationship; why the desperation to have them spend Christmas day with you? :huh:

I see quite a few people in our road who have extended family stuck at their house all day Christmas day, and also boxing day, literally from 10am to 7pm both days. Some have them staying there, 2-3 days. That would drive me bonkers. Maybe they live far away I don't know, but they don't appear to see them any other time. As I said, my friends and family are in my life all the time, some closeby, some not so close (like 50-80 miles,) but I do see my family quite often, so I don't have this huge 'must have every family member at my house for all day Christmas day and boxing day, even if they don't wanna be here' attitude.

Interesting responses, thank you.

penguingirl

We spent the first 8 years of our relationship having Christmas dinner separately as parents only live 10 mins apart so we could do a bit of shuffling between the 2 houses. It somehow seemed easier at the time but got boring quickly. Thankfully the tradition ended when his parents cancelled Christmas dinner one year and had it by themselves (one of OH's brothers had moved abroad and the other had a new baby so stayed at his house an hour away).Last year his parents went to his brothers so again we went to my parents, but via his brother's en route for drinks and presents. This year will be our last child free Christmas and we are doing the same. We have already said that next year we are going no where! Families are welcome at ours, but we won't care if it's just the 3 of us. It's one meal out of the year, it really doesn't matter in my eyes.

Dustyblinds

Loz01 wrote: »

My work colleague was fretting as every year they drive either to her Mum and Dads or her OH's Mum and Dads with 3 kids. When I said why don't you just stay home with the kids in your own home she said they aren't allowed!!! This is a 40 something year old woman with 3 kids aged 8-12... I said I would just phone up and tell the parties involved "We've decided to have xmas at home as a family this year with the kids"... everyone looked at me like I was mad.

I don't have any kids so maybe this is a radical suggestion... anyone?

When my kids were younger i always had a rule that we stayed in our own home for Christmas dinner, this gave the kids plenty of time to open presents and play with toys etc. After dinner we might have went for a walk to either my sisters or dh's sisters, both live within walking distance, other years they would visit us, sometimes both sisters would land and we would all have Christmas tea together, and a few drinks of course.
I could never understand why people would let their kids open pressies then drag them to relatives houses for Christmas dinner, my parents never did this to me, I would have been most put out if I had to leave my new stuff behind :rotfl:

Torry_Quine

Have never been invited to anyone else's home for Christmas including either parents! His mother always expected us to have her and wasn't amused when we said no for some reason. Mine were happy to be invited but not bothered if not. My sibling goes to his mother-in-law and never to mine and certainly wouldn't invite me. Don't have children myself

fierystormcloud

silvercar wrote: »

DS2's GF has made very clear that Xmas with her family is non- negotiable. They are 200 miles away. It's fine, they are growing up and can make their own decisions. We are not big on Xmas, there are other times when they are here.

We thought of going away but didn't want DS1 to be at a loose end, so decided to stay at home so he has somewhere to be.

Parent is on their own and refuses to come here, requesting that we go there instead. That was met with resistance from everyone else in the family.

How horrible! I must admit I do know several people who demand that their adult offspring spend Christmas with them and them only, and get all sniffy if they DARE to refuse. Why? what are they trying to prove? :huh:

fairy_lights wrote: »

My parents had their first child free Christmas a few years ago and had the time of their lives. I visited them briefly in the morning to exchange gifts before heading off to OH's parents house for lunch - they had had prosecco and chocolate coins for breakfast so were already pretty tipsy. After we left they had their Christmas dinner - without family to cook for they realised they could have whatever they wanted so had egg and chips. Then they settled down for the true meaning of Christmas - the Doctor Who Christmas special, before having several of their child free friends round for trivial pursuit and binge drinking. It was the first Christmas in over 30 years where they had been able to put their own wants and needs first and as much as they enjoy having Christmases with all their children around, they also appreciate having some freedom back in their lives.

Sounds divine. :T As my sister said, just because you enjoy time without your children, that doesn't mean you don't enjoy time with them.

My friend who lives near me, has a 23 y.o. daughter who was at uni for 3 years, then came home for 6 months, then left to live with her boyfriend (1.5 years ago.) She has a wonderful relationship with her, goes clothes shopping and for coffees with her, on daytrips, out to the pub for drinks and meals etc etc. And her husband has a great relationship with her too. But she said she really enjoyed the first Christmas with it being just her and her husband for the first time in 22 years. And she is looking forward to this one with just the two of them too. (Her daughter is visiting Christmas eve, but then she isn't seeing her til the 28th.)

She says as much as she loves her, and she enjoyed her childhood and raising her, and she wouldn't change a thing; she would really struggle to have her live back home. She said when her daughter came back after uni, she was a nightmare to live with; criticising everything, never helping around the house, almost doubling the electric bill, and the gas bill (having the heating on all the time,) demanding special vegan and lacto-free stuff, expecting to be run around all the time, dominating the telly and the internet, and expecting lifts on demand.

It was only because they knew she was starting a grad job a few months later that they tolerated it. Basically the girl had lived away for 3 years (well for about 70% of it,) and it was a very hard adjustment period for all of them, and although they have a great relationship with her, and they would always be there for her, and she is always welcome to move back if she needed to, she fully admits she prefers her daughter to have her own place now. Same with Christmas I guess; it's perfectly acceptable to not want to spend it with your adult kids (or parents!) just like it's acceptable to not want your adult children living at home anymore. (I doubt if most of them want to anyway!)

Ames wrote: »

As others have said, it doesn't make sense to be gobsmacked. So every couple has to have both sets of parents, plus any grandparents or even great grandparents round for Christmas dinner? How does it work if there are siblings both with parents, cram all the families in? Or have a rigid schedule with multiple meals?

Bizarre.

Exactly!:T

Primrose

When I first married we had the annual dilemma at Christmas, "your parents or mine?" My parents accepted we now had a new life of our own. His parents but especially his mother didn't and we had several miserable Christmases driving long journeys at night after leaving work in an unreliable car which often broke down. So one year my husband I invited his parents down to us. "Oh No dear, we always spend Christmas in our own home" was the reply. That fine then replied my husband, "so you won't complain if this year we do the same, will you?"

That broke the spiral. I think many people end up spending miserable Christmases not of their choosing to keep the family peace. Sometimes everybody has to be adult and accept that people sometimes just like their own company at Christmas rather than be surrounded by large family gatherings. Most people have busy jobs these days and sometimes a little bit of peace and quiet and doing your own thing, if even for just one day, can be mentally beneficial. There are other times of the year when you can catch up which are not so emotionally fraught.

tw1nklestar

We are having Christmas at home, just the two of us, my mum is having Christmas at home on her own her choice which i respect. DS is a nurse and is working most of Christmas but will be able to travel from Manchester to York on the 27th so i will cook him a Christmas dinner - dd1 is having Christmas day on Christmas eve as that is when step children are there and dd2 is having dinner round her future inlaws - dd1 has left an open invitation for us to come round anytime over the holiday period - so we will pop round to see dgs and the pips (triplet 17 month dgd's)
We are taking dgs away on the 28th to spend a few days down at my mums, which we are all looking forward to. Dh and I will suit ourselves on Christmas day - a couple of short visits to dd1 and dd2 then home for a nice steak dinner.

gettingtheresometime

Well I'm a bad mummy.

We've gone away for Christmas & won't be back until the New Year.

Son is on doggy sitting duties (for which we are giving him a cash contribution to his 2017 travel plans).

He's happy as he gets a nice cash injection & can have what he wants when he wants it for Christmas Dinner and we're happy as hubby can enjoy his holiday without worrying about what's happening with his work