Partner doing chores badly is driving me crazy!

Person_one

missbiggles1 wrote: »

When I was married to my ex, I got him to vaccuum every Sunday while I did something else. He was often said "Didn't we do this last week?".

So you do think there are domestic chores that need to be done!

Andypandyboy

I do think that we often do things out of habit, or how they were done at home in our formative years, or at least women seem to do that. It is not always necessary to do that. My partners mother is obsessive about housework and has the martyr syndrome. We didn't want that in our home so we chose to do it differently.

We don't vac or dust every day, unless you don't work who has the time/inclination/need for that? Once a week or less suits us fine. Kitchen needs a quick wipe down daily, and bathrooms twice a week. We do tidy daily, as in, put things in their place. Our house has a thorough clean three times a year, the rest of the time we do what needs to be done but don't stress about it.

Lily-Rose_3

misswansea wrote: »

I like everything done my way, but I also hate nagging. I have switched to Positive Reinforcement.
Not totally ethical, but so much nicer than nagging. The trick is to ignore any behaviour you don't like but praise, even overpraise the bits you do.

For example lounge hoovered but bedrooms omitted? "Thank you so much for hoovering the lounge darling." Important: do not mention the bad bit, no little "shame the bedroom isn't as nice" follow up dig, praise only for the method to work.

For extra reinforcement add an extra peck on the cheek/ chocolate biscuit/ other small reward with the praise. Think there's no way this will work ? Give it a couple of days, and this is the hard bit for me, bite your tongue on all the negatives, the little passive-aggresive comments turn it back into nagging.

Feels like you're training children or pets? - yes, I learnt it from a primary school teacher, it will also work on the dog.

And you do have to keep it up, stop the reward and behaviours start to slide.

Not sure if you're joking or not but hell will freeze over before I thank and reward my hubby for doing chores and cleaning in his own home. He is as responsible for creating mess/washing up/washing etc as I am. Why should he be rewarded and cooed over for doing the washing up or hoovering? :huh: All of the above sound hugely patronising and condescending. If my hubby treated me like that, he would get a short shrift from me.

Person_one wrote: »

Yes, there is a certain basic level that needs to be done. Everybody needs clean clothes to wear and clean plates to eat off, everybody needs food, everybody needs a bathroom and kitchen that don't give them virulent bacterial infections, everybody needs the rubbish and dirt to be somehow removed from their living space.

How many men who 'just don't notice' a full laundry basket do you think would walk around naked or always in newly bought clothes if they lived alone? How many men who 'just don't notice' a pile of dishes or a full dishwasher or the fact that they're hungry would just live entirely off takeaways straight from the wrapper if they lived alone?

Maybe one or two out of a thousand, but most are perfectly capable of living to a reasonable standard of cleanliness if they have to, they just 'don't seem to notice' why they should have to if there's a woman living there too!

This ^^^

Have to say I am 100% on Person One's side on this thread.

Yes it DOES tend to be women that do most of the housework and chores, even in households where the woman works too. As long as women keep taking over because poor little hubby can't do things right, women are always going to be frazzled, resentful, and stressed.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't do more than my hubby, but then I am at home more. He does about 37% of chores to my 63%, and we are both OK with this. What's more, he does things I never do, like mowing the lawn, DIY, car maintenance, and I do stuff he doesn't do often (making dinner, food shopping, gift buying...) As I said though, we are both happy with how we do things. And that is the important thing.

indiepanda wrote: »

I think a slightly extreme perspective - the poster didn't say that women expect a show home and that men should do half the work to get it. Plenty of women are a bit laid back about house work too - and I am sure you will admit there's a minimum that even you do.

I mean, you must eat, so unless you either eat out every meal, or only buy ready prepared food and eat out of the packet or use paper plates and plastic cutlery and throw them away, then there's at least a bit of cooking and/or washing up?

Similarly I don't know anyone who doesn't change their clothes for clean ones every so often - admit some might wear things a few more times than others. So unless you take everything to a laundry service (and even that's a bit of effort) or get a cleaner to do it all (and even they tend to insist on you pre-sorting it) there must be some washing to do. Admit ironing can be optional if you don't have a job that requires smart dress.

If you don't have a proper conversation with a partner about this before you move in together, especially if having seen each other's homes you can tell you have very different standards, then you are asking for trouble. Unromantic perhaps, but no less so than having rows or simmering resentments about chores.

All this ^

People definitely do have different standards, because I can tell you that hell would freeze over before I would go a month without dusting. I give our little bungalow a dust and polish every other day, and a hoovering too, and a good blitz once a week. Sheets and duvet changed once every 10 days, cooker cleaned fortnightly, bathroom cleaned a couple of times a week. Luckily, me and hubby are very alike when it comes to standards; I couldn't live with someone who thought it was OK to go a month without dusting, polishing, and hoovering. :eek:

missbiggles1

Person_one wrote: »

So you do think there are domestic chores that need to be done!

Obviously, but not necessarily to the level that some people insist on, which seems to me to be the point of the discussion.

Person_one

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Obviously, but not necessarily to the level that some people insist on, which seems to me to be the point of the discussion.

That wasn't the point of the OP's post, but it does seem to be the direction its gone in.

Andypandyboy

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Not sure if you're joking or not but hell will freeze over before I thank and reward my hubby for doing chores and cleaning in his own home. He is as responsible for creating mess/washing up/washing etc as I am. Why should he be rewarded and cooed over for doing the washing up or hoovering? :huh: All of the above sound hugely patronising and condescending. If my hubby treated me like that, he would get a short shrift from me.

Agreed!

Lily-Rose wrote: »

People definitely do have different standards, because I can tell you that hell would freeze over before I would go a month without dusting. I give our little bungalow a dust and polish every other day, and a hoovering too, and a good blitz once a week. Sheets and duvet changed once every 10 days, bathroom cleaned a couple of times a week. Luckily, me and hubby are very alike when it comes to standards; I couldn't live with someone who thought it was OK to go a month without dusting, polishing, and hoovering. :eek:

If you work full time this is hard to keep up unless you want to be doing it it at 10 pm at night. Much easier if you don't work.

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theoretica

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Not sure if you're joking or not but hell will freeze over before I thank and reward my hubby for doing chores and cleaning in his own home. He is as responsible for creating mess/washing up/washing etc as I am. Why should he be rewarded and cooed over for doing the washing up or hoovering? :huh: All of the above sound hugely patronising and condescending. If my hubby treated me like that, he would get a short shrift from me.

How odd. I grew up in a family where everyone was thanked for every chore they did as a matter of course. Of course the thanks and rewards should flow equally in both directions.

GlasweJen

Well my house is hoovered twice a day, three times on a Saturday. Roomba is a magical thing. If we could get the mop version, the fish tank glass version and one that cleans the Windows we'd be laughing. On Saturdays the dyson comes out to do the bits roomba can't manage and the sofas. We're an unusual household in that my oh (the man) has higher standards than me but I don't have the time or energy for thousands of housework.

Person_one

GlasweJen wrote: »

Well my house is hoovered twice a day, three times on a Saturday. Roomba is a magical thing. If we could get the mop version, the fish tank glass version and one that cleans the Windows we'd be laughing. On Saturdays the dyson comes out to do the bits roomba can't manage and the sofas. We're an unusual household in that my oh (the man) has higher standards than me but I don't have the time or energy for thousands of housework.

Those things look great, but sadly I have a dog that would go absolutely bats**t crazy if I let one loose in the living room! :rotfl:

coffeehound

Person_one wrote: »

The OP is talking about ....

Sadly I think we lost the OP some time ago . . .