We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
I'm really alone now

Chlorine7
Posts: 256 Forumite

I'm about to be quite lonely. I have kept in touch with my ex in part because I thought he'd change his mind and in part because we can go out and see and do things together that I have to plan well in advance with anyone else I know.
I've now asked him to leave me alone after finding out something about him that I just can't be around. I sat in the street crying and realised I didn't have anyone to call as I was ashamed he was even still in my life at this point and I don't think anyone would really care that I was so sad.
My friends are all married with children. I don't often see any of them and if I do, it's me travelling to their places. I have one single friend who has depression and will not come out or cancels at the last second. It's not that I want to go 'husband hunting' in bars (as we used to call it) but just going out and having a laugh with someone past 10pm instead of sitting at home watching TV would be nice.
In the last three years there has only been two people there were any kind of attraction with. One was married so that was a big no from me and one was 10yrs younger than me so I couldn't pursue that either.
I met a girl on a plane recently about 8 years younger than me who had been using Tinder. I scoffed a bit but she explained to me why she didn't want to meet guys in bars, which was how I did it at that age. I've always been against it in the past cos my ex used it to sleep with women & associated it with women who just wanted a free meal in exchange for services rendered. In an effort to change the way I think (as per advice from an old friend) I have tried Tinder and basically spent all my lunchtime swiping left as I am not attracted to even one guy on it.
I've also tried a few meetups and the people there were kinda cliquey, already knew loads of people or very different from me.
I'm clearly very uptight and I don't know how to loosen up in both my love and social life. I'm 34 and I just feel like how did I get here?
I've now asked him to leave me alone after finding out something about him that I just can't be around. I sat in the street crying and realised I didn't have anyone to call as I was ashamed he was even still in my life at this point and I don't think anyone would really care that I was so sad.
My friends are all married with children. I don't often see any of them and if I do, it's me travelling to their places. I have one single friend who has depression and will not come out or cancels at the last second. It's not that I want to go 'husband hunting' in bars (as we used to call it) but just going out and having a laugh with someone past 10pm instead of sitting at home watching TV would be nice.
In the last three years there has only been two people there were any kind of attraction with. One was married so that was a big no from me and one was 10yrs younger than me so I couldn't pursue that either.
I met a girl on a plane recently about 8 years younger than me who had been using Tinder. I scoffed a bit but she explained to me why she didn't want to meet guys in bars, which was how I did it at that age. I've always been against it in the past cos my ex used it to sleep with women & associated it with women who just wanted a free meal in exchange for services rendered. In an effort to change the way I think (as per advice from an old friend) I have tried Tinder and basically spent all my lunchtime swiping left as I am not attracted to even one guy on it.
I've also tried a few meetups and the people there were kinda cliquey, already knew loads of people or very different from me.
I'm clearly very uptight and I don't know how to loosen up in both my love and social life. I'm 34 and I just feel like how did I get here?
0
Comments
-
What hobbies do you have?Non me fac calcitrare tuum culi0
-
If you're after someone you can go on a night out with and have some company, how about instead of dating sites, you try meetup sites? Make your hobby into a social event, or re-connect with an old hobby - or even find a new one! You may find a partner through it, but if not, at least you may make some new friends and get the company you're craving.0
-
If you have some spare time I really recommend volunteering. Great way to make a difference and boost your esteem but you will get to meet new people who by nature of what they are doing will be similarly minded. Most counties have volunteer centres where you can check out what opportunities there are.
I also don't think dating sites are all bad. I met my husband on one. I would be careful what sites you use though. Some are more for 'fun' if you get my meaning! Try one where you have to pay and have a proper profile.
Its better to sit in and watch TV till you find decent friends than hang around with any old loser. I say good for you for acknowledging you are worth more than that. Also don't feel self conscious. I don't have any friends. Yep. None at all! Some people laugh when I say that, assuming I'm joking! I am happy this way. One day I might change but for now I'm content. Do what is right for you. There will be people out there it just takes time to find them.0 -
I met my husband on a dating site too
I simply worked too much and had friends of ages too far from mine to have a social circle where I might meet anyone...
So I thought I'd give it a go and sure enough after a few... interesting... dates I came across the guy I'm married to and we've been together 10 years, married 8, daughter aged 7
My issue was I just wasn't into bars and worked too many hours and didn't have the inclination to go bar hunting. If you can then find places to meet people - I used to be involved with several organisations including St John Ambulance and scouts - it's a hoot and you will often meet lots of people. In my village there is WI too and depending on your hobbies you will find there are probably things you can get up to. I've walked into places cold turkey, so nervous I was about to throw up and just told myself "well if you make a total !!!! of yourself then so what? You'll never see these people again!" and I've picked up several friends over the years.
I'm one of those people happy with my own company (even more so when I'm feeling down) so I know it's different.
You need to find what works for you - travel, hobbies, friends (go see those friends with kids! We still want to see you but having kids changes our logistics and makes it trickier as either they have to come with and we don't like to bring them unless people actually say it's ok to take them or we have to find babysitters at £10 per hour! :eek:)
The world is truly your oyster - you're young and free, go and enjoy being able to travel when you want, going out when you want and don't ever ever settle for anyoneDFW Nerd #025DFW no more! Officially debt free 2017 - now joining the MFW's!
My DFW Diary - blah- mildly funny stuff about my journey0 -
I used to belong to a social group before Meet up existed. I think it takes 3-5 visits/events before you can really join in conversations that seem cliquey and really see whether you could fit in and enjoy it. That many visits will make you a familiar face and give you some shared events allowing you to join in these conversations. So give anything 3 chances befire you dismiss it.Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!0
-
Aw Chlorine7, feel your pain
Do you have any online groups you are a part of at all?? That can be a great way to get to know somebody first, then pluck up the courage to meet
An then hobby and interest groups as others have said, also volunteering and activist groups if you have any strong beliefs to help fight for? It would certainly get you out and aboutHonorary Northern Bird bestowed by AnselmI'm a Board Guide and volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly on Special Occasions, Green/Ethical, Motoring/Overseas/UK Travel & Flood boards, it's not part of my role to deal with reportable posts. Report inappropriate or illegal posts to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. Views are MINE & not official MSE ones
0 -
I don't have any hobbies. The only one I did have isn't really a sociable one. I'm not even sure where I'd start in taking one up. I'm considering a language course that starts mid-Jan but that's so I can speak a bit more to my family.
I hear you Kynthia, I probably should give a group more than one try. I'm kind of awkward in a group situation as I get intimidated by louder more confident people. I can make friends one to one when I'm travelling but that's just someone you spend a few days sightseeing with.
I'd rather have a few more friends than a boyfriend. I've always tried to see being with someone as a bonus not a necessity. I'm also not sure I can love someone as much as my ex and because of that I'm not prepared to just settle. Finding someone I want to have 'fun' with would probably be a good start but I am so rarely attracted to people. Is that wrong?
I really feel like I screwed up my life by not being a more open person and being happy with just my ex for so long. I have been content on my own, I do travel (a lot!), eat out, buy what I want but I guess I'm just hiding that I'm scared about ending up all alone. I already have two cats that follow me home after work :rotfl:0 -
What a brave a decision, and, for what it's worth, I think it's the right one for you. You've done so well taking that step. I've done the 'hanging around with an ex' thing, and in some ways, it's great, because you like the same things, still get on, and it's convenient. In other’s it's not so great, and it does stop you moving on with your life. There is also the problem of what happens when they meet someone else? There’s a good chance you’ll get left behind, and may even be jealous. So, well done you for making the decision and doing it.
Next, I reckon that it’s too soon to be looking for a boyfriend. You may need to do a bit of grieving for what you’ve lost, and also for what might have been. It needn’t be for ever, maybe make a decision that you’re not going to actively look for 6 months, as that will take the pressure off you. If you do meet someone in that time – great! I reckon the going out and just having a laugh is exactly what you need.
You say that there have only been two people in the last three years that you’ve had any kind of attraction with. To be fair, it wasn’t a clear playing field, as you still had feelings for your ex. As the feelings get less, you may find you’re interested in a few more.
I would go with what the others have said. What do you like to do? Do you work? Are you on social media? It can be great for reconnecting with old friends. Volunteering is a wonderful thing to do – not only are you doing something worthwhile and meeting new people, but it could also increase your self-esteem and confidence.
You don’t sound overly uptight to me – you sound like someone who taken a bit of an emotional kicking and is struggling a bit. You will get there!0 -
Have you tried fitness classes? I go for the class but I'm offered to join the coffee groups /nights out often. I don't go but many do. Not the opposite sex but might work for making circles of friends to socialise with?0
-
How about your local church?0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply

Categories
- All Categories
- 352.1K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.5K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 454.2K Spending & Discounts
- 245.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 600.7K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177.4K Life & Family
- 258.9K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.2K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards